Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

He's a bloke and she isn't, and this is in academia. There's a whole set of batshit and highly sexist social norms that should have been left in 1955 in some parts of the sector.

Well if the idiot man asking the question could do that too none of this would have happened.

@DrLoveHandles have you subsequently discovered who he is and where he fits within the academic hierarchy? (not really relevant, but interesting?)

Good luck on Friday, you shouldn't need it though, you did nothing wrong.

Her tone etc were based on training she has been given around women in leadership roles. That’s what she needs to lead with!

Try being vegan! 😄

Of course they can. What a strange question to ask.

I’d have just answered I just don’t want to drink. End of.
if they pushed it answer I don’t need to explain it’s my preference.
No need to over react.

OMG! Absolutely the wrong word to use. I have to stop using "fancy" words when I am clueless as to what they actually mean. A better word might be "embarrassing". Thanks for noticing my glaring misuse of the word.

His intrusive questioning is the issue for me here, not your tone in handling it. I would be curious to know who went running to HR with the complaint.

Oh good grief

No, it's not.

It's about a man not respecting a woman's boundaries. It's about someone asking inappropriate personal questions of colleagues at work.

Hoping that it's just that he has approached HR to "Dob himself in" for being a dick. He might have gone home and done a bit of self reflection and realised he had upset you?
Maybe they just want to check that you are ok?
Clutching at straws but hoping it's just that.

One of our DC worried all week about being called to a HR meeting and wondered what they'd possibly done. In the end they just wanted them as a witness.

And I hope HR doesn’t think they need to know why either!

He was totally inappropriate. You could have been pregnant (protected status) but too soon to tell anyone. You could be on medication that clashes with antibiotics (privileged information). You could have alcohol sensitive epilepsy (disability). You could be a recovering alcoholic. Or you could just not fancy it. You very clearly indicated that you found his questioning intrusive, he persisted, and you used it as a training moment. You did nothing wrong.

Why are you assuming it was your behavior that was unprofessional? I would absolutely turn that back on him - he was inappropriate and you calmly responded at length as to why the question was inappropriate. You are the HR hero here - they should be thanking you.

I think that you were right in your response
And colleague is a shit stirrer
You politely brushed him off and he kept pushing and got consequences
Why is alcohol the only drug we have to justify not taking
As women are we just expected to nod and smile

In fact, maybe you need to open with that - 'I wasn't going to raise this with HR but actually I'm glad someone did because this sort of questioning is just completely inappropriate. He needs to be much more sensitive about these things.'

My response nowadays to the "Why aren't you drinking?" question is "Because I do what I want." Normally said with a smile but sometimes a glare, depending on how the question was asked.

She wasn't over reacting though
Mr pushy needed put back in his box

This
I hate things being pushed on me
Be it food or alcohol
If someone persists I give them a lecture on consent
Soon shuts them up

It's such an odd comment though - why not just say you were driving home? There was no need to get angry and spill out an entire list of reasons 😕

He probably fancied the OP, that would be a reason to be invested for a couple of minutes or so of conversation, he probably won"t be so invested now. LOL

Why would she say that if it’s not true? Why does he have the right to know? She didn’t communicate angrily. She explained why it’s not an appropriate line of questioning.

What if she wasn’t driving home?
Why does she need to be put into a position where she has to lie to shut someone up?