Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Why? I would get cross because I would feel protective of the people who would be upset to answer.

Start by admitting in full that you wished your tone had been different but explain you were caught off guard. Then ask what training staff are given on sensitivity and personal questions. Not directly, just "I'm surprised a Senior Level or Colleague in XYZ felt comfortable asking such a direct and intrusive question and while I regret the circumstances under which this came to light, I feel strongly that we would all benefit from training or awareness in this area".

"And also in how to respond if this occurs again because I certainly wasn't equipped and can only apologise again".

Take responsibility but also: what a ridiculous question that frankly, deserved a serious response, in my opinion.

100% agree. I rarely drink now since that major cancer study came out, and there are so many tasty mocktails out there now. People are definitely drinking a lot less nowadays. It is not like the days of the TV show Bewitched, when Darren would drink a couple of martinis as soon as he got home from work.

This is about a glass of orange juice.

I don't drink alcohol it gives me a bad stomach it's not worth it . In my youth it wasn't a problem it is now it's not worth the after effects . I'm fed up with it being ok to drink alcohol but not to be teetotal for whatever reason . I get told just have 1 , just a little one then ,just a glass of wine then , don't be miserable , don't be such a misery , party pooper ! . I don't tell other people not to drink

I’ll take you on face value that you weren’t aggressive. So it’s strange that you are hyper focused on aggression being the reason for your HR summons. .

Maybe the issue is that you were rude (speaking deliberately slowly) and patronising.

You won’t know until you get to the meeting

You can counter his ‘she wasn’t professional’ (patronising) with ‘he wasn’t professional either’ (intrusive).

Sounds to me like you’re being pulled up for over reacting to the question when you could have just said ‘oh wouldn’t you like to know derek!’ And moved on.

I'm not overthinking it, you're missing the point which is that she shouldn't have to make up a lie, any lie, to answer an intrusive question.

Not to mention your suggestion wouldn't even make sense - having one drink wouldn't stop anyone from driving 6 hours later, so it would just raise more questions (given he's already shown he can't take a hint!).

For all you know she can't even drive or doesn't have a mum! so saying that in front of colleagues absolutely would make her sound bonkers and potentially cause issues further down the line. Imagine if one of the colleagues was HR - 'Um, remember last year when you had 3 months off after your mum's death - apparently she been resurrected and is off to Tenerife?'

It's utterly mad to honestly suggest OP should have gone into a whole random and illogical spiel involving mums and airports and long drives hours later rather than her colleague just minding their own business!

Oops! Definitely the wrong word to use. Need to improve my English skills. A much better word would be "embarrassing".

Thanks for catching that!

@DrLoveHandles I think you both misread the situation, but the idea that only your behaviour needs addressing is ridiculous.

He asked a personal question, you politely declined, and he pushed again. That’s inappropriate in a work setting, especially at a mixed‑department event where people don’t know each other’s circumstances.

Yes, your reaction sounds a bit over the top, listing every possible reason and going full ‘death stare’ is going to come across as confrontational but then if you have been on a work sponsored course on standing your ground when challenged - cite that.

But HR shouldn’t be treating this as a one‑sided issue. If they’re calling you in for ‘unprofessional behaviour’, they should also be looking at why a colleague thought it was acceptable to press someone about their alcohol use after they’d already indicated they didn’t want to discuss it. Bearing in mind they were presumably drinking and you were not, maybe they overstepped.

Go in calm, factual, and say you felt uncomfortable being asked twice about something personal. Acknowledge that you may have responded more sharply than intended, but make it clear the colleague’s persistence was the trigger.
This should be a quick, low‑level conversation, not a disciplinary.

FWIW I can totally imagine someone after a drink hearing the “reasons” answer and thinking that OP was expecting someone to ask about those reasons. He probably wasn’t even that interested.

Surely most people if not drinking would say “I just don’t fancy drinking” or equivalent boring answer.

Friday is not great really.....for what sounds like an informal investigatory meeting about an incident that happened last week. What exactly is the hold up? They should be prioritising this and meeting with you while memories are still fresh.

And referring to 'unprofessional behaviour' at this stage; how do they know anyone has been unprofessional until the matter has been properly investigated? They should really just be saying that they want to investigate an incident that occurred at this event, without any assumptions of anyone being to blame.

You asked what you should do to prepare. As details can fade from memory even in a short space of time, I think that you should note down in detail everything you recall about the incident: what was said by you/him/anyone else, when and in what tone of voice and how it made you feel. Note everything you recall about why you responded, and your justification for responding as you did. And I agree, don't mention that you 'saw red' but you can mention the impact of his behaviour on you. Just be clear and factual and don't admit blame; from your account you did not precipitate this incident, he did.

And have a look at your disciplinary procedure and make sure this investigation is in line with it.

Bit aggressive. I've reported you to HR 😂

I am neither an alcoholic or pregnant and never drink, I don't owe anyone an explanation so mind your business with a smile on my face is what they get... I really don't give a tiny rats ass what anyone thinks.

It's very odd that you were trained to be patronising. Because there's nothing more infuriating than being patronised.

It’s the fact that her assertiveness has been viewed as problematic, screams misogyny. She stood up for herself. God forbid a woman should call out a man’s behaviour.

I agree. The OP said she tried to sound casual, so maybe he interpreted that like jokey or she wanted to talk about it or at least didn’t mind. Then she suddenly “saw red” about his asking further. In future OP, just say you don’t drink and I think you’ll find that’s the end of the conversation. Don’t sound too friendly when you don’t have any intention to be.

Apologies if repeating something already said, but it would be wise to write out your own detailed but factual account of what happened. 'X asked me....... I replied ....... X then asked.......I said.....' And stick to that account firmly. Bear in mind that the witnesses may also be asked what happened. It sounds as though this might be a case where it is not so much what was said as the way it was said, which is why it is important to stick to the facts. The way it was said is more open to interpretation. Think carefully about how you explain how you said it. It is to be hoped that HR will note that the complainant was drinking while you were not so your recollection may be more accurate.

Can a woman patronise a man?

WTF is with this expectation that people will casually lie?

What on earth are you on about?

His questions were completely intrusive and inappropriate.

As for the rest of your post-have you ever been interviewed for a job?

I think it was very rude of him to push for an answer after you made it clear you didn't want to go into it. If you didn't swear and weren't rude, I would make a counter complaint.

Haven't read whole thread but there's often a sexual subtext to this kind of question.

Are you prudish and uptight?
Are you pregnant?
Are you worried that you'd be flirtatious and uninhibited if you had a glass of wine? (Go on, you want it really)
If you had a drink it would be so much easier to flirt with me/for me to flirt with you?
Are you a member of a weird religious cult so you are not allowed to flirt?
Are you worried about your weight? (You should be worried. You don't have to be worried. I find you attractive.)

Women might encourage other women to have a drink at - say - a hen do. But I think that it is a question typically asked by men to women, and the sexual overtones are inappropriate in any workplace related function.

This is one good reason why adopting a cool and rather distant tone is important.

It's also much more likely that a man will feel rejected by a woman who just 'doesn't want to play.'

In a professional environment women should not feel obliged to accept inappropriate, personal comments - which if accepted 'politely' can then easily escalate to harassment.

Nefarious?!!! Eh?