Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

What - saying to a colleague their question isn't appropriate that the OP didn't want to answer? How is that over the top?

The only over the top thing here is that someone has seen fit to run to HR.

No it's not. It's absolutely true that asking about someone's perceived teetotalism is an inappropriate question.

He sounds a bit immature. If he has a problem, ge should have spoken to you directly. It's a bit childish- like telling the teacher!
It's not IN work so not relevant to HR.

It drives me crazy when people describe unnecessary rudeness as "just being truthful". The operative word being unnecessary

Working in HR this is absolutely the case......if someone reports something to us we have to investigate. Unfortunately the amount of petty nonsense we have to sit through as part of investigation meetings has only increased in the past few years. People seem to have lost their minds, it's definitely worse since Covid.

Anyway OP..... I wouldn't automatically assume the complaint is about you. It may well be about his behaviour and a third party has complained.

If it does end up being about you I would express surprise and say you thought you were being called as a witness to his unprofessional behaviour. Just be really calm and factual and say that:

He asked you an inappropriate question.

You batted it off with a vague answer.

He doubled down and asked again which made you feel uncomfortable and harassed.

You assertively responded with the reasons why his question was inappropriate and then left the situation.

You didn't shout and weren't aggressive.

They'll ask you to confirm who else was present and will check your account with theirs but I'd be amazed if this is any more than a quiet reminder about respectful communication at work.

She didn't simper and smile enough and offer to suck his dick afterwards to make up for having the temerity to tell him that it's rude to even ask.

Women aren't responsible for managing men's feelings when calling them out for inappropriate behaviour.

It drives me crazy when women are put under unnecessary pressure to manage men's feelings by concealing their own in response to completely unnecessary questions from said men.

Mine too. Why is it assumed that everyone has to justify not having alcohol. There are so many reasons (religious, social and medical) that you may not want to drink, why should some random think they should know.

I should hope that you don’t get criticized for speaking slowly at an out of work event.

I would prepare by writing notes as advised by some of the previous posters.

I hope you keep up you confident stance. Please come back with an update

You overreacted. But honestly, as a non-drinker, I'm absolutely fed up of having to explain myself just because the drink in my hand doesn't have alcohol in it. Why does it matter?

I have always thought it odd that it's socially unacceptable not to ingest a damaging substance. Like, why?

OP, I can see myself reacting similarly on a bad day.

Usually I just say "It interacts with my anti-depressants" because a) that's precisely why, and b) mentioning mental health shuts most people up.

Haven't read the full thread but it was not ok to ask yo why you are not drinking and for another to follow up. Your response not great also. All 3 of you need to improve your workplace communications skills.

That as well, but also a compulsory subject, at school, because unfortunately parents are not always listened to.

I would absolutely assume it is his unprofessional behaviour you are being asked to comment on

Apart from all else: people should NOT be pressing other people to drink alcohol, or to drink more than they've chosen to drink. It should be people's choice, and pressing them can contribute to drink problems in the long term, and potentially reckless behaviour in the short term.

I think your response ‘Oh you know reasons’ should have shut down any further questioning. If it was something you wanted to expand on, you would have.

He was totally inappropriate bearing in mind he was a stranger to you.

I hope Friday goes well.

If a man spoke to a female colleague in the way that OP spoke to this man, he would absolutely have been seen as aggressive. And probably more likely to have been reported to HR

This isn't a sexism thing.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been shared.
@DrLoveHandles
You are not the only one that gets fed up with getting asked why your not drinking.
It sounds like you over reacted a bit but I get it , I get fed up of been asked and may react the same way one day.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5566903-i-stopped-drinking-but-people-say-stupid-stuff?reply=154267438

All the reasons except one are personal and sensitive, which is why asking's such a faux pas. The one is "I'm driving". The others include:

Pregnancy
Medical treatment
Addiction recovery
Allergy or intolerance
Religion
Lots of diseases
Dieting
Going to take a recreational drug in the next hour
Have a bastard of a partner who hates drinking

It isn't even safe to say "I just don't like the taste" because the people who ask are never satisfied with that and will try to cross-question you.

It is rude. Don't ask!

I wish I had read this response before I did my PhD. I didn’t like one of my supervisors, he always made me feel inferior. I’m not.

People can ask but it’s incredibly rude to press if someone has replied vaguely

I would ask hr how they would support you in future with such rude behaviour

I have to admit, I wondered for a moment if the OP might be a recovering alcoholic as well. It would definitely explain why she disliked being asked about not drinking, though I could easily be totally wrong! Did anyone else have that same thought?

I agree. OP said 'my tone was patronising'. It wasn't necessary to react like that, to 'see red' over a silly question.

This is the line you need to take, OP. Emphasise your first pleasant response, and his persistence, after it, which was highly inappropriate.

I’d go in with the assumption that it was him who was behaving inappropriately.

If it turns out that he/someone else has reported you, I would ask what is their advice when someone repeatedly pushes questions on why someone is not drinking.

I feel that this would have shut it down, better than 'oh, you know, reasons' then laughing

How might his position in the organization relate to yours? Are you senior, junior or peer to him? What do you know of the others who were in the group and presumably heard some or all of this exchange? As you left soon after it might be he spoke to HR as a defensive move, fearing he had offended you and it might be reported. I would play things very straight, he asked a question you gave an answer, he asked for qualifying information and you provided it. Who says it was unprofessional and on what grounds? I would start with that and see what your manager and HR come back with. I would aim to listen more than speak and use the phrase, 'I will take that under consideration' quite liberally.

Not one single person (including the OP) has any idea who went to HR, or why.

Where is everyone getting these entirely fictitious scenarios from?

Maybe OP's colleagues reported the man for being intrusive/ nosy.

Maybe someone else witnessed the interaction and reported the OP for being "aggressive".

Maybe someone else witnessed the interaction and reported the guy for being intrusive/nosy.

Maybe someone else at the event was "triggered" by someone asking questions about why somebody isn't drinking.

None of us know this, so stop inventing "ah, nasty MAN has run tittle-tattling to HR" shit.