Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

“It wasn’t a simple question. It was a personal question and it made her uncomfortable. He pressed when she declined to answer. She didn’t punch him, just educated him about why he shouldn’t be asking and demanding an answer.”

This with bells on. @DrLoveHandles - your first response did not invite further questions. It was inappropriate of him to ask in the first place and completely out of order of him to press for a response. I suggest approaching the HR meeting from the perspective that this man was inappropriate and intrusive towards you and your behaviour was a response to the liberties he was taking.

I wouldn't assume it was the man that made the report.

Interactions like this are different in HE. OP could have a hair-trigger temper and go on to have a similarly unmeasured response and end up intimidating a student when they next felt challenged or slighted.

OP, unless you have a habit of being confrontational at work, you have nothing to worry about.

Do you have a code of conduct for employees? Does it give guidance around expected behaviours, does it say anything about not probing colleagues for personal info and respecting people's personal lives? As a consultant I had a US investment bank for a client, where any kind of personal remark 'how are your kids?' etc was not allowed. Probing around someone not drinking is potentially loaded and triggering. You don't say why you don't drink here but there may well be mitigating circumstances for why you find justifying not drinking uncomfortable, make sure you bring these to the attention of HR. Take your time in the meeting, note everything, breathe. Sorry you are dealing with this.

What is unprofessional about that? She was using the training her employer sent her on to answer in a confident assertive when he didn't accept her first answer

Or maybe someone overheard the man probing OP for an answer she clearly didn't want to give. And then saw her leaving early obviously upset

Exactly that!

But you say you saw red. And the body language and facial expression trod a very fine line between assertive and aggressive, even if you didn't raise your voice.

As someone who was frequent pestered about not drinking, I get your irritation. But as you've admitted yourself, your response was OTT and will have affected professional relationships.

I think you have a good case in coming back with how intrusive it is for someone to push the drinking thing, especially when the target is female and could be pregnant, and that his behaviour was also unprofessional and should be addressed.
But you also have to make it clear that you recognise that you let your anger get the better of you

You seem obsessed with the idea that the OP has alcohol issues. That is a very strange take on the situation. You also seem out of step with the majority of the responses on this thread. Indeed you seem like exactly the sort of person who would ask someone why they are not drinking as, to you, drinking alcohol is the norm or perhaps even considered a desirable behaviour. Maybe you need to reflect on your relationship with alcohol?

I love that. I'm going to save it for the next time I'm asked.

OP doesn’t know (and therefore neither do we) that she is the person who has been reported for unprofessional behaviour.

next time just say you are driving later.

I don’t drink by choice, and honestly, it gets tiring being questioned about it, especially when, no matter what answer you give, it never seems good enough for the person asking.

I also know people who don’t drink because of personal struggles, and I’ve seen the strength it takes for them to navigate these conversations. A significant number of people seem to view alcohol as a necessity and assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you don’t drink. Some will even repeatedly pressure you to have one. It’s beyond frustrating.

I’d also love to know how this whole situation was communicated to work. Is the HR department not busy enough? I raised a serious HR complaint at my workplace, and it took 11 months to resolve.

Even that response is over the top

Medication, long term medical condition, disability, religion/philosophical beliefs. All potentially things that could be protected characteristics under the equality act.

I’m sure there’s a respect at work policy somewhere that HR can remind him of. It was a highly inappropriate question from a colleague you don’t even know.

I wouldn’t assume that he reported it, it is very likely to be someone else who witnessed it and felt your response wasn’t justified etc.

Exactly this. I dont drink because I dont like alcohol or how it makes me feel. But others I know who have similar reasons love to make it all in to a big deal. And try to be all mysterious like they have some dramatic reasons.
All you implied with your reply was that you had alcohol problems.
But he is a dick for reporting it. Also being far to dramatic.

@Mandaxx25 It’s called vicarious liability.

Your employer is legally responsible for any incidents that take place at work events outside of working hours and the workplace.

I am perfectly calm thank you.
I asked a valid question
Why was it acceptable for him to ask (twice) why she wasn't drinking alcohol? Would you ask someone a similar question about their food choices? Why they chose to wear a skirt instead of trousers?

I think you major on your second paragraph with HR.

It doesn't sound like you were particularly inappropriate. It does sound like you didn't act like a woman is meant to. You should have laughed his questions off rather than being assertive (men are assertive, women are considered aggressive with the same behaviour).

If this goes any further I'd be raising a grievance. I have no idea why HR have given this bloke the time of day. Is he more senior than you are?

There's a strong case to be made that alcohol should not be served at work events. Employers ply people with alcohol and then get annoyed when there's inappropriate behaviour. And you weren't even drinking!

Of course the other option is to turn it around and say 'A much more interesting question is why you feel the need for alcohol in a work environment? That tends to focus the mind of the questioner!

I agree. If I really wanted to put that across (rather than just lying and saying I'm driving, or on antibiotics) I'd just smile and say 'you know that's a dodgy question to ask someone, right?!'

Exactly this.

What, the truth as the OP see's it?

Again a weird take! Nothing in the OPs response has suggested alcohol problems and the fact that that is immediately where your mind went says more about your relationship with alcohol than the Op's