Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Plenty of universities who want to stay solvent, including mine, have stopped serving alcohol at workplace networking events. Sidesteps issues like this completely.

Hi OP- start off with HR by thanking them for taking this seriously, in addressing this man’s patronising attitude and intrusive entitled behaviour. Ask them what they plan to do when managing this colleague’s behaviour. Then say nothing. You are absolutely entitled to explain calmly one reason as to why you are not drinking alcohol and there is no reason on earth to have to justify why you were not drinking. The follow up question from your colleague was completely unnecessary. Good luck.

I'm 58 (and look every minute of it). I'd have looked him in the eye and said, dryly, "because I'm pregnant"!

I think it's a really intrusive question to ask someone why they're not drinking, particularly someone you don't know well, and then to push it, is ridiculous.

It also sounds as though he pushed specifically for reasons

to which you replied with a comprehensive list?

so you politely (if confidently and forthrightly) answered his question!

what if anything do you think he has grounds to complain about?

Oh excellent!!! You can quote that in the meeting. I was angry on your behalf and then read this and now am so happy you’ll get a chance to put this prat in his place.

Surely this is a job for parents....

He asked an intrusive question which you, as is your right, answered vaguely. He then inappropriately pushed the point so you answered him firmly, giving him a list of potential reasons.

I would go into the meeting with the stance that yes, he was unprofessional in his behaviour but you’re prepared to let it go. With the rider that you hope he doesn’t speak to students/professional people outside your area in that way.

Not a full on attack but attack is the best form of defence.

This was my thought! Entirely they’re wrong and why the actual fuck would they complain valet it to HR? HE should have said yeh you don’t press someone if they’ve said no thanks I don’t want to tell tou

I was slightly kinder to you in my previous reply. But, sadly, I feel it's your attitude and behaviours that need to change.

Worryingly, you are showing a disposition towards bullying behaviours, and your use of 'laughing emojis' within your replies show immaturity.

I have a lot of experience of working with academics, and I agree that bullying is rife. You seem to be absorbing the same attitudes and behaviours.

I recommend some 1-1 coaching, and with a coach external to your organisation, and someone who'll challenge you without fear of upsetting you.

gosh I feel HR should be thanking you for doing their job for them…! Can’t believe that with all the issues around drinking at after work events, they can get het up about someone explaining (in whatever tone) why they don’t drink..

How long have you worked there OP?

It’s still possible another one of the group reported it because OP seemed offended. If so, I’d just tell them that he asked an inappropriate question and you matter of factly and in line with your training gave him a list of the reasons he had asked for.

It’s not clear he has complained, but if he did he’d be an even bigger idiot than he made himself look in the first place.

Sex based discrimination? Because there is one potential reason you can think of for a woman not to drink that does not apply to men? Wow.

OP you have my sympathy. Being questioned on not drinking is bloody tiresome and not letting it go after your first answer was intrusive.

In my experience some men mistake 'why are you not drinking?' for a clever pickup line. I had a very renowned colleague bleat 'shouldn't you be drinking wine' at me once at a work related event. Mortifying.

Will they tell you who complained? If it is the man who asked, he's a complete twat.

Anyway, in my view you should be eating no humble pie over this. But better to take some bites than have this drag on, I guess . Good luck.

HR wants to discuss your ''unprofessional behaviour''?
It can only be your attitude scared and humiliated him but your actual words - how can they have been unprofessional if you simply listed why people don't drink alcohol?
It was none of his business - you could have been driving - so very common for someone not to drink.

Ponderingwindow
your account sounds like an incident where you turn it around and point out you responded appropriately and they need to go deal with the original offending colleague.

Come on she didn’t really respond appropriately- she looked him in the eye and listed reasons patronisingly. But yes him reporting you (unless people were talking about it and hr overheard) was ridiculous

Absolutely all of this plus OP has hopefully saved other non drinkers from this idiot.

Yes. It's a line of questioning that puts women at a disadvantage to men, not least because people assume we are lying if we say anything other than "pregnant" and asking the question in front of others highlights the soft drink to other who would not have otherwise noticed it.

I would complain to HR about him haranguing you about not drinking, when you meet with them. Turn it right around on him.

There's nothing wrong with firmly shutting someone down as long as you didn't yell or threaten him.

I don’t get why this has gone to HR? Yes it sounds a bit like an over-reaction but don’t grownups just deal with these types of things between one another? Why did anyone tell HR? He was a bit inappropriate to ask the follow up question too.

Next time say ‘I’m a pregnant, alcoholic Muslim undergoing a course of chemotherapy. Take your pick.’

Wonder what the complainer has said to HR? From your description I can’t really see why they should be involved.

Saying "none of your business" usually makes people assume you're either a recovering alcoholic or pregnant. Instead, I just tell them I've cut back ever since those major studies linked even moderate drinking to higher cancer risks. Now, I just stick to one or two drinks a week.

I'd say its more likely that someone who witnessed the exchange has mentioned it to HR than the chap himself.

His questioning was inappropriate but your response was disproportionate and very possibly made others around you both feel uncomfortable.

You can close someone's probing down without seeing red.

“I prefer harder drugs.”

”I find people obnoxious when they drink.”

”It kills brain cells and causes people to ask stupid questions.”