Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

You’re over thinking it. She could have to pick her mum up from the airport at midnight. He has no idea, nobody would think her a liar for saying she was driving later.

As a sober person I usually just say ‘it’s very bad for you’ with a prim look to annoy them.

And if it was a male colleague would he have pushed it in the first place and would he have made the complaint?. He felt shame and his ego was bruised so he shifted to blaming you. Really obvious.

Also, this is a bit like when meat eaters challenge a vegetarian on their reasons for not eating meat. Drinkers often push non drinkers for a reason. I think it’s because it makes them uncomfortable because they feel it’s a comment on their choices.

However, I don’t think this is a hill to die on if you like the job. Just say clearly that you found the question intrusive, and you are sorry if your response upset him in anyway. (And in your head only think ‘poor little delicate flower that he is).

Her answer 'invited' a follow up question? Do you honestly believe that when the question should never have been asked. It's none of his damn business why OP wasn't drinking alcohol.

If he wasn’t, whomever did should be told to mind their own business.

HR have enough to do without this playground like behavior.

Unless there were more witnesses I would just deny it all

Complain to HR about his inappropriate MEDICAL question.

Haven't RTFRT but will die on the hill that you did nothing wrong here OP!! Hold the line.

Doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong and responded appropriately to an inappropriate question. If it happened as you said it did I would hope the guy will be given some feedback and come away from the situation embarrassed for making a fuss. Not drinking nowadays is not unusual, especially at a work event. Please update the thread after the meeting OP!
And agree with PP, make sure you describe yourself as being clear and direct, not patronising etc!

But the person who reported it (if it wasn't the man himself) may have thought there was more to it than there was. They may have thought the OP was really upset - especially since she walked off after "seeing red" - and thought he must have really offended her. We don't know!

I wouldn’t deny it but would just say “I’m sorry if I upset him. I just shared the reasons some people don’t choose to drink, particularly at work events.”

This nosey git should mind his business, if you don't want to drink you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, as for unprofessional it was outside the workplace

I think the OP behaved like a brat. People who hurl around accusations of inappropriate behaviour are like the boy that cried wolf.

"It's for HR to ask him why he said that and tell him it's not appropriate to ask that particular question"

I doubt many serious companies who are likely to remain solvent in the future will be directing much energy at that question regarding a glass of orange juice at a works drinks party, the clue is in the name, it is a "drinks" party, on the other hand serious companies who take employee conduct seriously would probably be taking a look at why someone lost it over that particular comment. If the OP has issues around alcohol that they don"t want to discuss they shouldn"t give leading mysterious answers to drink questions, they should shut it down at the start by just saying that they don"t drink, if pushed tell the red wine at a party when 14 story bla bla and move on.

And so what? Not everything can be fixed when it comes to how people interact.

Did you not read the rest of my post?!

I said it was up to HR to also decide if the OP had acted inappropriately.

I don't think it's an appropriate question to ask but as I wrote, there are various reasons why he may have said that, some with no ill-intent.

I wonder if he went to HR because he thought you might go to HR following your reaction?

Either he's the one who's made the complaint in which case I'd be making damn sure it backfired, or someone has overheard and complained about him, not you.

I don't drink myself, for plenty of 'reasons' and most of them aren't particularly nice. He should have had the sense to shut it after asking the first time.

God forbid a woman should communicate forthrightly! Honestly. Did you not get the memo? As a woman your only job is to not make things uncomfortable. What you should have done, of course, was put your own discomfort and boundaries to one side, smile and make him feel comfortable with his choice to push you on something personal. And god, what right do you have to privacy?!! He’s a man and if he asks you a question answer it. Don’t be clear, assertive and point out why he may need to adjust his communication. HIS comfort comes first. Woman, know your place!!

its none of his business, and I can't believe he's reported you for that, but I think a simple 'I don't drink' would have sufficed and changed the subject.

I'm patently not saying everything can be fixed.

I'm saying that HR has a duty to investigate something that is reported to them, and in this case, the person reporting may have lead HR to believe it was a bigger thing than it was.

It's not OP who's gone running to HR accusing people of inappropriate behaviour.

Which is why someone - as yet unknown - has informed HR.

Oh yes. That’s possibly true.

I really can’t believe people even care one iota if someone else is drinking or not to the point of asking and then press the point when they have already responded. What an utterly boring conversation to have. Unsure why this guy was so invested.

Please put in your own complaint about his inappropriate questioning of you when you'd already answered!

Ugh, what a sad little man.