Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Did you read Pikniks response at 16:33? It's spot on.

Absolutely they would! And I’m thinking maybe the entire group of people may have reported it, so OP might need to tread carefully, and make sure her recollection is accurate. Maybe the guy was not that concerned initially, but others present encouraged him to report, or reported it themselves?

You were pretty nasty then. All you had to say is it's personal or antibiotics and move away from him. I don't really drink and just give airy fairy answers even though it really rankles me when people push. Sounds like you decided to teach him a lesson and were unnecessarily aggressive and unpleasant.

i think your colleague asking why you arent drinking was inappropriate and unprofessional because it puts you under pressure to possibly divulge information you may not wish to divulge in aprofessional setting (anything from antibiotics,pregnancy, recovering alcoholic etc) He should be disciplined for asking a personal probing question. I think you were unwise to retaliate with a patronising response. You should have said thats an inappropriate question for a work related setting. Was he a senior colleague or in a position of power in the workplace?

He spoke in a probably quiet tone about orange juice, so I feel that outcome is unlikely but you never know, policing work conversations to that degree would be odd to say the least, standing legs apart using techniques more suited to dealing with street beggars in a works drinks party on the other hand has probably raised some flags.

It's actually very intrusive to question why someone isn't drinking alcohol, as OP said it could be for all sorts of personal reasons, anyone with any kind of social skills knows that.

Using myself as an example two occasions when I didn't drink

1. pregnancy - but after a series of miscarriages I didn't want to reveal my pregnancy, obviously this is a common reason for many woman, why should they be harassed into telling people they are pregnant if they don;t want to? (and asking for reasons is harassment because it forces the woman to either reveal the truth or feel uncomfortable by lying. I am a poor liar and would be uncomfortable and unconvincing if I had to do it.
2. When I was having cancer treatment, I didn't drink on medical advice, I certainly wouldn't have wanted to reveal my illness to a virtual stranger.

No one should be put in the position of having to make up a lie because they don't want to discuss personal business, and most of the reasons for not drinking are personal. As most people are aware. Except, it seems, men in academia.

Good luck with your HR meeting OP, I hope all goes well for you.

I’d go for the verbose, after this experience.

”Oh someone asked me that once then complained to HR because I didn’t give him a good answer! How funny! Why does anyone actually care and who even notices? Does make you uncomfortable to see others not drinking? I don’t think you have to worry that they are judging you. But who knows!!”

And on and on until they get so bored they walk away. Or until I get tired of talking and say, “I was just headed to the bar. Let me get you another!” Then go away and never return.

I agree with this.

I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed.

OP, you obviously don't have to explain the reasons but your answer was ambiguous and seemed to invite him to ask further. If you have given him a straight answer that you don't fancy the taste or your next reply is I'd rather not say, then if he asked further, that would be intrusive.

But for him to ask further what your "reasons" are is acceptable in the context of your reply and it is reasonable interpretation on his part. It may not be what you intended to convey but from an objective bystander perspective, you have to accept that you did not make your stance clear enough not to be open to misinterpretation.

A woman, being a member of the class of people who might want privacy about a pregnancy, is unlikely to have asked in the first place.

That’s a wild take!

God what an inadequate little man he is. Vomit. Sorry you have to deal with that nonsense op..

There's a lot of emotive guff on here that isn't helpful to the OP. She shouldn't be whipped into a sate of indigent frenzy, or one or feeling crap about herself.

FWIW I'm an employment lawyer and there are so many variables that are unknown at the moment:

• we do not know if the HR investigation is primarily about the OP's behaviour. Someone who witnessed the incident may have reported him and the OP may be a witness.

• we do not know that the man concerned reported the incident. The OP put a man in his place in a way she describes as "patronisingly" and then walked off; anyone witnessing that may have thought she was either out of order, or upset after being insulted, or both.

• we do not know whether he is an egotistical arsehole wanting to put women down or whether he just asked what reasons without thinking, or even if he's autistic and so took the OP literally when she said 'many reasons' and asked 'what reasons'.

It's for HR to ask him why he said that and tell him it's not appropriate to ask that particular question, and to question the OP about how she reacted to determine whether they think it was appropriate or not.

you're both at fault.
he shouldn't have asked but equally, you should have just said something like "I just don't want to" or changed the subject.
I don't drink alcohol, I rarely get asked why but if I do, I just say "I don't like it" or make a joke about how its more fun to watch others make tits of themselves.

You could have just said "I"m on a diet" and changed the subject, if he was not someone you wanted to talk to you could have said "Ok, I"m off to get fresh one" and walked away? Going off after two comments, only one of which was even remotely "inappropriate" just shows a lack of emotional control.

Why? Why wouldn't you be honest and tell them that you saw red? You don't think you've done anything wrong so no need to alter the narrative.

Like a dog with a bone? He made one comment, and then another follow up comment. Hardly like a dog with a bone. Hade he been persistent and continued to probe, I would agree with OP, but her tolerance levels must be pretty low to come back with a rant after just one follow up question. Because she laughed with her initial comment, sounds like he felt she was inviting further conversation. Had it been me, I would have responded with ‘just because…..’, and just removed myself from the group I’d inserted myself into.

But then he might have commented on her weight? What if she's a size 6? Why would she need to make something up.

Agree with you but both are just people being people in a work environment. He was annoying and obnoxious. She reacted a little sternly. Neither is really a situation in need of HR and I think he should have been told to just focus on his work and stop whinging. “Yes little Johnny, some people don’t like personal questions.”

id think the complete opposite - "oh you know reasons" does mean I don't actually want to say and instead of making up either a lie to cover up or tell you - Im being vague

@ohnowhat but it is intrusive! It's no ones business why someones not drinking alcohol. It's personal information and up to the person concerned who they share it with.

And all because the lady loves Milk Tray didn't want an alcoholic drink..

Why should OP have to lie in response to an improper line of questioning?

But you are going to downplay it when you speak to HR?

You won't tell them that you saw red, you've said. I'm assuming you won't admit to talking slowly and patronising him too?

You agree with me but yet you seem to have missed one of my main points, we do NOT know whether he was whinging and was the person to report it to HR.

Why should you have to lie because you don't wish to answer an inappropriate question in a work related setting ,It not this persons business why someone may be not drinking alcohol. Ther may be personal reasons why someone isnt drinking alcohol ,thats why it's inappropriate .