Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Retired HE person here. I can clearly picture his type!
I wonder whether he also perches on the edge of someone’s desk and gets in their face when they’re trying to work?
Absolute wanker.

Tell HR what was said then add that your darling relative (mother, father, brother, partner…), died a long slow death from complications related to alcoholism and that any intrusive discussions around drinking becomes a significant trigger for you which detrimentally affects your mental health.

Obviously, you tried to deflect and put him off kindly but he was like a dog with a bone and it stirred up lots of painful memories. Then stare at him/her balefully with a Daily Mail sad face. 😂

You are the male colleague OP is complaining about and I claim my £10.

People don't ask why someone has ordered a vegetarian meal instead of beef , or lamb instead of seafood
They bloody well do ( speaking from 30 years experience)

Really? That will go down like a lead balloon, they will be looking for an acceptance that the OP was completely out of order IMO, usually people need a few drinks at work things to act like that!

Because generally, when people are repeating details of a situation which shines a light on poor behaviour, they will downplay their own role, because in their mind that’s what happened, or that’s the version they want to believe happened. But then if other people were asked what happened, their recollection may be entirely different in how your response was delivered. You said you were patronising, but didn’t feel you were aggressive. You may not have thought you were being aggressive, but it’s how you were perceived by others.

Men are poor at reading expressions. Many take any type of smile as 'friendly invitation/flirtatious'. Not smiling is clearest.

I don’t think ANYONE should have to explain why they don’t want to drink alcohol in 2026.
Those of who don’t have still felt uncomfortable giving any answer.
We don’t ask people why they drink alcohol.
Are you an alcoholic? Alcohol dependant? More fun when drunk because you are a boring bastard when sober? No, we tend not to and yes those responses might seem sarcastic.
OP or anyone else answering may be in recovery. They may have just come from an AA meeting. They may have been date raped when drunk. They may have an abusive drunken partner. The list is endless and can be complex. They may be driving, or on antibiotics.
I think it’s intrusive because the answer may reveal far more than the person being questioned wants to reveal.
And I would happily tell someone in HR I felt pressured by this man and stood my ground.

I would insist on a meeting agenda beforehand , I wouldn’t be going in unprepared.

From OP’s version of events I’d wonder if it was one of the colleagues at the networking event that had raised it with HR you can’t assume it was him.
Op confirms she spoke to her colleague in a slow and patronising tone. She says forthright body language, I can see how another interpretation could be aggressive.
I’d write down your version of events and go to meeting with an open mind.
I’d also join a union I’m surprised you aren’t in one.

Are you serious?
Oh dear God, heaven help us.

Removed - duplicate.

Read again what you are replying to and tell me exactly where the poster you are replying to wasn't calm?

You told someone who stated clearly their opinion, without any agitation, to calm down. You're tone-policing because you don't have a valid counter-argument.

If a woman asked the OP the same would she still have gone into the Power Ranger act?

Well, heaven help you, I guess.

Unless I’ve missed something, OP hasn’t been explicitly told that the unprofessional behaviour was on her part. It’s entirely possible that the complaint came from a third party and is regarding the man’s questions (which were intrusive, despite that fact that multiple pp can’t grasp this).

I think manners should be taught in school, from reception, to everyone. Good old British manners.

I don't get why the Op was inappropriate by reciting a list of why people don't drink?

If someone is an ex alcoholic or they're only just pregnant - they may not want to share that with a work colleague. He was bang out of order pressing for answers and the OP was sarcastic back to him.

Boo hoo ! Poor baby had to report to HR. What a pathetic turn of events.

Well I think it’s good it’s been reported to HR. He might have to explain in great detail why he was so interested in OP not having alcohol and make himself look a proper tit.

Would a woman have gone to HR and complained?

Next time someone asks you that question op, I would reply none of your business.

Do make sure you update the thread, OP.

It's a simple question. And it is extremely bad form. OP was under no obligation to explain her choice of drink.

People who query why someone's not drinking alcohol are usually alcoholics. They want everybody else to drink alcohol and are prone to pushing others to do so. You don't need to be a genius to work out why this is wrong, but OP obligingly gave the chap a list of reasons.

I hope it turns out that HR's interest is in his inappropriate behaviour.

"I’d also join a union I’m surprised you aren’t in one."
Indeed, the slow and patronising tone is best kept for domestic tiffs, not going to fly in a work environment at all.

I don’t think this poster is serious.

"Oh you know, reasons" then laughing. I agree that this does invite further questions.