Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

I reckon your version has downplayed what happened, and your delivery was probably worse than what you’ve recalled on here. Why such an over reaction to a question, which appears to have been put to you in a none confrontational way? Have you had alcohol problems previously and so were triggered?

How do you know he involved HR? The OP certainly doesn't.

men's behavioural shit with hurting

I meant "without", not "with".

I am genuinely pretty annoyed about this.

When men say "no", that's accepted as a final answer. When a woman says "no", some men treat that as a negotiating position to bring her down from, not a final answer.

Her initial response was absolutely an adult response.

But that’s not what happened in this situation? Don’t make stuff up to fit the OPs narrative.

Tbh I think your answer almost invites follow up. It's a bit cryptic. In future I'd just say something like "I don't like the taste of alcohol" or "I don't like how it makes me feel" or "even a small amount disagrees with my stomach".

I mean he should've got the hint all the same, and it was extra shitty that he then reported you (assuming it was him), but you were still more in the wrong than him in the moment for your massive overreaction.

I can. It sounds like she really went off on one (even though she didn't need to answer him). Way over the top.

She said "I have my reasons" many people would take that as a cue to continue the conversation at least for another couple of exchanges, and her response could just have been I don"t like alcohol, same as some people say I don"t like coffee, it is some feat to escalate a comment about orange juice to an HR meeting!

True. But why do people question people who are not drinking alcohol. It's really annoying and non of their business.

Yes the OP could have replied with, 'Because I don't want to' - however I think the colleague may have had a problem with that also

Why on earth would I downplay what happened?

I want people's thoughts on the situation so what's to be gained from me lying about the situation?

I've been pretty open about where my behaviour wasn't ideal.

Yes it is intrusive. What business is it of a work colleague she has never met before why she was drinking orange juice and not alcohol?

I recently went to an event where there was a complimentary cocktail I turned it down and was asked if I wanted juice instead. No one asked me why I didn't want the alcoholic drink and nor should anyone. It's rude , intrusive and no one's business.
People don't ask why someone has ordered a vegetarian meal instead of beef , or lamb instead of seafood. So why should it be so difficult if the choice is between wine or orange juice?.

I disagree.
It is always wrong (and certainly unprofessional) to ask someone why they aren't drinking alcohol.
He should be facing questioning from HR

"Oh, you know, reasons" is an example of what sociologists and psychologists call a "soft no". She gave him a "soft no", as women tend to when faced with men being awkward at us, and only escalated to a detailed explanation of why that line of questioning isn't appropriate when he refused to take the soft no.

Is today's theme "i overreacted to a situation?" Because this is the 3rd one in trending topics with a very similar theme, perhaps there is a memo telling us what the theme of the day is that I have missed?

Her inital response is not the issue.
The aggressive and unpleasant recation to a simple question is a problem.

But you can't 'banter' with someone you don't know, you have to build some rapport first.

And this is where people in the workplace are still going wrong, the person asking 'why are you not drinking' shouldn't have asked that.

I’d go in assuming ‘he’ is the problem and be aghast if they say it’s you. He’s a twat

Yes but the teaching was for board meetings, presentations, meeting with clients, not for shouting at some guy trying to be sociable at a works do! Saying that will just make them think that the OP is totally clueless.

Sorry, the patronising smile was clearly not a strong enough hint. Absolutely not meant to be ingratiating at all, but firmly and politely, and in front of others, close it down, perhaps a steely smile is what I meant. Just so the other person, if they have a brain cell and some social skills appreciates the inappropriate nature of what they just said.

Oh for crying out loud, calm down.

It wasn’t a simple question. It was a personal question and it made her uncomfortable. He pressed when she declined to answer. She didn’t punch him, just educated him about why he shouldn’t be asking and demanding an answer.

Haha! You’re a man, aren’t you?

Which is a response to a situation that he put her in.

Why is it women's responsibility to manage men's invasive poor behaviour without hurting his precious feefees?

We also teach our girls in reception and beyond to stand up for themselves and not take sexist crap from boys just because they are boys. That they don’t have to fit some sexist preset expectations like ‘sugar and spice, being nice’. Or were you off that day floppy?

It was none of his business why you weren’t drinking. I’d love to see how that would pan out if you didn’t drink for religious reasons. He needed to leave it at ‘several reasons’ and then shut up. He was probably fishing to see if you were pg 🤔