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Original poster

Regret seeing my co workers Teams Message

156 replies

Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 22:19

I have been in my new job since Dec 24, all fine, small team and they are all ok, I thought.

I accidentally saw a team message between my co worker and her husband, he is external to our company.

She was telling him details of me, my family, my ex husband ( all not great things)and she thinks I’m strange as I don’t get involved in much conversation. I am quiet, im a really nervous person but now I’m worse!

It’s not a big deal to many but it’s really opened my eyes, i feel uncomfortable, I no longer want to be involved with her, there was some really hurtful, unnecessary and uncomfortable comments.

She was saying there is an awkward atmosphere, well sorry but I’m not surprised after what I saw. Do I approach this at all, it’s just such a small team and I’m now really paranoid of every move I make and so nervous I’m not speaking.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 13/08/2025 22:23

That must have been hard to see.

But she was talking to her husband it’s not like she was badmouthing you around the office. How did you see the message?

Hope you are ok x

Skissors · 13/08/2025 22:24

She sounds like a gossipy bitch. How come she knows that much about you if (as she is saying) you don't get involved much in conversations?

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 22:24

I’d report her tbh

i guarantee you that more will happen and you’ll be kicking yourself for not reporting this

healthybychristmas · 13/08/2025 22:36

I would report her as well. How enough can you have a healthy working relationship with someone who's bitching about you in office time using office equipment?

Girlgoneinternational · 13/08/2025 22:36

She probably shouldn't be using Teams to chat with her husband, apart from anything else.

Original poster
Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 22:40

3luckystars · 13/08/2025 22:23

That must have been hard to see.

But she was talking to her husband it’s not like she was badmouthing you around the office. How did you see the message?

Hope you are ok x

She was showing me how to do something on her 2nd screen and the chat was open on the other screen.

There were bits about what another co worker thinks, they must of discussed it.

Its my own fault for reading but I saw my name and child’s name and couldn’t help it.

I feel humiliated and like a school girl again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 22:41

Girlgoneinternational · 13/08/2025 22:36

She probably shouldn't be using Teams to chat with her husband, apart from anything else.

I did think this as well, never mind discussing staff with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 22:42

healthybychristmas · 13/08/2025 22:36

I would report her as well. How enough can you have a healthy working relationship with someone who's bitching about you in office time using office equipment?

This is the thing, I was nervous before but I’m worse now as I’m aware the are taking the P out of me or that is how it feels anyway.

I have no proof unless her team’s messages can be accessed remotely.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/08/2025 22:47

Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 22:40

She was showing me how to do something on her 2nd screen and the chat was open on the other screen.

There were bits about what another co worker thinks, they must of discussed it.

Its my own fault for reading but I saw my name and child’s name and couldn’t help it.

I feel humiliated and like a school girl again.

Show quote history

Tbh I think if this is what happened then I think I'd address it with her. I'd go back to her and say, I've heard you have been concerned there's a bit of an atmosphere. I wasn't going to say anything but when I heard that I thought it might be better to talk to you directly and clear the air. When you were showing me x on whatever day I'm not sure if you realised but you'd left a teams message open where you'd been bad mouthing me and my family. As you can imagine that felt pretty horrible for me to see. I try to keep my personal life private and I really don't appreciate you discussing me or my family in such a way and I'd appreciate it if you could do things differently going forward as we need to be able to work well together.

I'd also have a conversation with a manager about it before approaching her so she can't try to twist things on you.

I find people like this are untrustworthy and the best way to tackle that is to be professional and direct and show them that if they go after you then you won't be scared to fight back in a professional way.

After that I'd avoid her outside of being civil and polite and work related matters and record everything.

nopineapplepizza · 13/08/2025 22:50

Tomorrow morning ask for a meeting with her manager, take some notes with you bullet-pointing what was said.

Explain that you saw the teams messages when she was showing you something on her computer and that she is disparaging you, your husband and your child to others.

There’s no way she should get away with that. You may be quiet as a mouse, but surely you’ll stand up for your child and the man you love?

Original poster
Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 22:50

Lavender14 · 13/08/2025 22:47

Tbh I think if this is what happened then I think I'd address it with her. I'd go back to her and say, I've heard you have been concerned there's a bit of an atmosphere. I wasn't going to say anything but when I heard that I thought it might be better to talk to you directly and clear the air. When you were showing me x on whatever day I'm not sure if you realised but you'd left a teams message open where you'd been bad mouthing me and my family. As you can imagine that felt pretty horrible for me to see. I try to keep my personal life private and I really don't appreciate you discussing me or my family in such a way and I'd appreciate it if you could do things differently going forward as we need to be able to work well together.

I'd also have a conversation with a manager about it before approaching her so she can't try to twist things on you.

I find people like this are untrustworthy and the best way to tackle that is to be professional and direct and show them that if they go after you then you won't be scared to fight back in a professional way.

After that I'd avoid her outside of being civil and polite and work related matters and record everything.

Show quote history

Thank you, that’s good advice. I do want to talk to my Manager as he had noticed a change, I don’t want him to think I have a bad attitude, I’ve just become more nervous and probably withdrawn.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 13/08/2025 22:51

Also op, she's actually done you a massive favour here. She's shown you who she is and now you know what you're dealing with and won't be blindsided by her going forwards as you now know not to trust her.

I'd much rather know I'm dealing with a difficult person than find out the hard way over something important. This is no reflection on you and every reflection on her.

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 22:56

under no circumstances should you discuss this with her directly, sorry. I can imagine she can twist in to say you bullied or intimidated her. Remember she will be in damage-protection mode. She isn’t going to be nice to you in the hopes you don’t formally raise it, she’s going to go on the attack before you formally raise it to protect herself.

yes, teams messages can be accessed remotely. Anything you do on a work device can be.

Original poster
Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 23:00

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 22:56

under no circumstances should you discuss this with her directly, sorry. I can imagine she can twist in to say you bullied or intimidated her. Remember she will be in damage-protection mode. She isn’t going to be nice to you in the hopes you don’t formally raise it, she’s going to go on the attack before you formally raise it to protect herself.

yes, teams messages can be accessed remotely. Anything you do on a work device can be.

I suspect there will be a lot more chat between her and her hubby!

Im worried that with me being new and her long standing in a tight knit team, it will be the end for me.

OP posts:
Bufftailed · 13/08/2025 23:00

Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 22:40

She was showing me how to do something on her 2nd screen and the chat was open on the other screen.

There were bits about what another co worker thinks, they must of discussed it.

Its my own fault for reading but I saw my name and child’s name and couldn’t help it.

I feel humiliated and like a school girl again.

Show quote history

I agree with others that this needs to be reported. Or how about confront her. Let her feel awkward. Who does that with all the family details. If you want to be quiet, be quiet

nearlylovemyusername · 13/08/2025 23:03

Might need to be contrarian here... You've been with this company for eight months, what about her? Is she a valued employee?

Is her husband involved with the business that she's allowed to Teams chat with him?

Apart from doing this on Teams there is no grievance here, she can discussed whatever she wants with him.

What are you trying to achieve? change her mind? punish her? what if your manager takes her side? do you have an exit plan?

ETA: why did you share personal details with her which you don't want to be discussed further?

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 23:05

Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 23:00

I suspect there will be a lot more chat between her and her hubby!

Im worried that with me being new and her long standing in a tight knit team, it will be the end for me.

Show quote history

It might be but you need to protect yourself. If you raise it now and things keep happening, your employer has failed in their duty of care towards you.

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 23:11

nearlylovemyusername · 13/08/2025 23:03

Might need to be contrarian here... You've been with this company for eight months, what about her? Is she a valued employee?

Is her husband involved with the business that she's allowed to Teams chat with him?

Apart from doing this on Teams there is no grievance here, she can discussed whatever she wants with him.

What are you trying to achieve? change her mind? punish her? what if your manager takes her side? do you have an exit plan?

ETA: why did you share personal details with her which you don't want to be discussed further?

Edited

It is clear that you are not an experienced manager or nor that you have any experience with legal matters like employment tribunals. Your perspective is a liability. Christ.

It’s not appropriate to discuss colleagues in a derogatory manner on Teams. It’s basic HR. That is a valid grievance. Regardless of whether he is or isn’t an employee or is or isn’t her husband. You can’t bully someone at work and claim “spousal rights” as a defence.

This is clearly a toxic environment for OP, perhaps her aim is to simply work in a normal environment where she isn’t facing hostility like this and being singled out? Workplace bullying is a very real issue.

This is a very condescending post - you seem to be blaming OP.

nearlylovemyusername · 13/08/2025 23:17

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 23:11

It is clear that you are not an experienced manager or nor that you have any experience with legal matters like employment tribunals. Your perspective is a liability. Christ.

It’s not appropriate to discuss colleagues in a derogatory manner on Teams. It’s basic HR. That is a valid grievance. Regardless of whether he is or isn’t an employee or is or isn’t her husband. You can’t bully someone at work and claim “spousal rights” as a defence.

This is clearly a toxic environment for OP, perhaps her aim is to simply work in a normal environment where she isn’t facing hostility like this and being singled out? Workplace bullying is a very real issue.

This is a very condescending post - you seem to be blaming OP.

Show quote history

Luckily I don't have any experience with tribunals, that's true.

And I'm not blaming OP, but I believe each action should have some achievable aim. She might well pursue grievance and win something, but equally the outcome might not be what she wants.

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 23:39

nearlylovemyusername · 13/08/2025 23:17

Luckily I don't have any experience with tribunals, that's true.

And I'm not blaming OP, but I believe each action should have some achievable aim. She might well pursue grievance and win something, but equally the outcome might not be what she wants.

Edited
Show quote history

But that’s not a reason not to start a paper trail about what she is experiencing. In a workplace like this, everyone is looking out for themselves. OP will not gain any respect by ignoring this, but OP does strengthen her position by raising this.

I’m sure OP already realises that this workplace isn’t the best for her, but there’s no need for her to have to tolerate this in the hopes it will get better or until she gets a new job.

Re-read her post: I’m now really paranoid of every move I make and so nervous I’m not speaking.

^ no one should feel like that at work. Keeping shtum will have no benefit to her.

ScanTheCan · 13/08/2025 23:42

Teams messages. CAN be retrieved by the company. Any messages .

Gowlett · 13/08/2025 23:44

Never write anything down… This is the problem nowadays!
Fine to chat like this at home, after work. But on Teams? No.

ChangingWeight · 13/08/2025 23:56

Gowlett · 13/08/2025 23:44

Never write anything down… This is the problem nowadays!
Fine to chat like this at home, after work. But on Teams? No.

It seems that this colleague made it clear she doesn’t like OP outside of those messages too eg she referenced other colleagues feel the same way indicating they’ve also been gossiping about OP. OP also said she felt nervous before she saw those messages.

It’s fine not to like the people you work with but your cross a line by causing an awful work environment like that. The people that you don’t like at work, shouldn’t be aware you don’t like them. It’s not just about putting it in writing or not. I’m sickly sweet to everyone I don’t like, precisely so no drama/gossip can be attributed my way.

Original poster
Winebath85 · 14/08/2025 07:43

ScanTheCan · 13/08/2025 23:42

Teams messages. CAN be retrieved by the company. Any messages .

Would that be even if deleted, also can I request this to see exactly what other things she has said or do I not have the right to do this?
I don’t want to be a trouble maker but I also don’t want to be the doormat of the place.

OP posts:
EasternStandard · 14/08/2025 07:50

Winebath85 · 13/08/2025 22:40

She was showing me how to do something on her 2nd screen and the chat was open on the other screen.

There were bits about what another co worker thinks, they must of discussed it.

Its my own fault for reading but I saw my name and child’s name and couldn’t help it.

I feel humiliated and like a school girl again.

Show quote history

I wonder if she realised. Your post re your manager noticing, maybe say why.