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Original poster

Hr meeting over a comment

242 replies

HRHooha · 05/05/2025 07:43

(Not racist discrimination et cetera in any way.) If you went into the meeting and pretended to just not remember the comment, as it's only a first level meeting, where could they go from that?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 05/05/2025 11:16

Pluvia · 05/05/2025 10:25

This. So many pious types trying to shame you for having your own opinion or going against the grain, OP. They may need to be reminded that no one has the right not to be offended at work, that not everyone will agree with them, and trying to police what others say at work could be seen as harassment if they do it habitually. Reporting people to HR is one way bullies operate.

Perfectly reasonable to ask HR for details of what is alleged to have happened / been said. Perfectly reasonable to say that you don't recall what has been complained about. Politicians, statesmen, the police and CEOs of major corporations do it all the time, even after swearing to tell the truth.

It might be more plausible to say: 'I think I remember the encounter being referred to, but it was a while ago and I don't remember it clearly. I know that we disagreed in our opinions but I can't recall exactly what was said. If X + Y interpreted whatever it was I said as overly critical or combative then — well, then that's their opinion. I don't recall what was said clearly, but it wasn't my intention to ABCD, so I suspect there's been a misunderstanding.' You can add something about trying to be clearer or more mindful of X + Y or the issue in future if you feel inclined.

Only you know what it was you said. Only you know whether you ventured into discrimination / defamation territory or you have been dobbed in by someone who wants your job/ doesn't like you/ is trying to suppress any opinion that they don't want people to express. There's a lot of the latter about.

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I think most people who have said its not a good idea to lie, have said it for very good reasons and not to shame the OP.

TorroFerney · 05/05/2025 11:16

Riaanna · 05/05/2025 08:51

Her entire attitude. She said something that caused enough upset that she’s had complaints. And her attitude is not “how can I repair this” it’s entirely focused on being rude and dismissive.

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So I can report or “complain” about your post that I am commenting on. It doesn’t make your post wrong, it just means that I have complained. Same thing here I would suggest. Vexatious complaints, you must have heard of the term.

samarrange · 05/05/2025 11:18

Uricon2 · 05/05/2025 09:05

I spent a working lifetime in local government until fairly recently and if everyone had been disciplined every time we moaned about systems/policies/procedures the HR department would have had to outnumber all other staff several times over. I'm inclined to think that either there is a) a very toxic culture at your workplace or b) there is more to this than you're saying.

Pretending not to remember isn't a great way of dealing with it whatever and unlikely to work.

I'm trying to think what someone might say outside of earshot of HR/senior management that would (a) cause someone to dob them in to HR, and (b) HR to actually do something about it.

It sounds like either OP's employer is run like East Germany or what she said was actually pretty bad. (Or perhaps there is a really vindictive colleague who has turned "Sigh, I wish our WFH policy was more flexible" into "The CEO is a nonce and the CFO has her hand in the till".)

Riaanna · 05/05/2025 11:19

TorroFerney · 05/05/2025 11:16

So I can report or “complain” about your post that I am commenting on. It doesn’t make your post wrong, it just means that I have complained. Same thing here I would suggest. Vexatious complaints, you must have heard of the term.

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Thats a reach.

Middlechild3 · 05/05/2025 11:21

HRHooha · 05/05/2025 08:14

Oh, it's really not offensive. It's just a comment about work policy.

Someone reported the comment to HR though, what was it?

Motherbear44 · 05/05/2025 11:24

Piggywaspushed · 05/05/2025 10:06

Why can't you just say in the meeting : 'Noted. I am not sure I expressed myself in the way claimed but I won't speak of this issue again amongst colleagues'.

Generally works.

Sounds like a perfect response to me. Least said sooner mended.

Bromptotoo · 05/05/2025 11:26

If you really know what was said, and presumably your managers have a note of it trying to say you don't recall just makes you look at best silly and at worst so evasive that you risk it going further.

If the outcome is going to be no more than advice then just 'man up' and deal with it.

As a Yorkshireman with a propensity for calling a spade a bloody shovel I had several 'words of advice' in 35years in the Civil Service. Occupational hazard.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/05/2025 11:31

None of this makes sense. If it's only going to be "words of advice" why do you want to say "I don't remember"?

AngelicKaty · 05/05/2025 11:31

TorroFerney · 05/05/2025 11:16

So I can report or “complain” about your post that I am commenting on. It doesn’t make your post wrong, it just means that I have complained. Same thing here I would suggest. Vexatious complaints, you must have heard of the term.

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We have no idea if the colleague's complaint is "vexatious" or not because OP can't/won't tell us what she said. The fact that HR want to give OP "words of advice" suggest they aren't viewing it as vexatious, which makes OP's proposal to pretend she doesn't remember what she said even more bizarre. If what she said was about work policy/practice she disagrees with, as she claims, and wasn't rude, discriminatory, or a personal attack on anyone, which she also claims, why can't she have an intelligent conversation with HR about why she holds the view that she does?

EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 11:35

perhaps it was gossip about someone, so agree, say little

Pluvia · 05/05/2025 11:37

samarrange · 05/05/2025 11:18

I'm trying to think what someone might say outside of earshot of HR/senior management that would (a) cause someone to dob them in to HR, and (b) HR to actually do something about it.

It sounds like either OP's employer is run like East Germany or what she said was actually pretty bad. (Or perhaps there is a really vindictive colleague who has turned "Sigh, I wish our WFH policy was more flexible" into "The CEO is a nonce and the CFO has her hand in the till".)

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Agreed.

EarthSight · 05/05/2025 11:43

HRHooha · 05/05/2025 08:22

It's not a written meeting or formal one. Just words of advice.

If it's a meeting with HR, it's never, ever just an 'informal' chat or words. Everything you do say may be used against you. Proceed with caution.

AngelicKaty · 05/05/2025 11:45

EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 11:35

perhaps it was gossip about someone, so agree, say little

It doesn't sound like it was gossip about someone from OP's posts. She's told us "... it is nothing to do with any discriminatory thing at all. Or about a person. It's just saying something about something we do at work that I don't agree with" and "Oh, it's really not offensive. It's just a comment about work policy."
All of which makes it inexplicable why OP wouldn't just admit what she said and justify it. 🤔 (I've challenged poor work policies in the past and then taken on the job of rewriting them - no-one has ever wanted to give me "words of advice" on my fully-justified views though.)

CunningLinguist1 · 05/05/2025 11:46

HRHooha · 05/05/2025 07:43

(Not racist discrimination et cetera in any way.) If you went into the meeting and pretended to just not remember the comment, as it's only a first level meeting, where could they go from that?

If you said it, you said it. Pretending not to remember is lying.

rwalker · 05/05/2025 11:46

why wouldn’t you admit it unless it was inappropriate or offensive
you seem to imply it was a casual comment

EarthSight · 05/05/2025 11:46

PinkyFlamingo · 05/05/2025 11:31

None of this makes sense. If it's only going to be "words of advice" why do you want to say "I don't remember"?

Because when HR do this, it's never 'just' a something.

They say this so you'll let your guard down, but you can bet that all of it will be carefully recorded, in case it becomes useful at a later date.

CunningLinguist1 · 05/05/2025 11:48

HRHooha · 05/05/2025 08:14

Oh, it's really not offensive. It's just a comment about work policy.

But you don't get to decide if it is offensive or not. HR does - based on the perception of the complainant, who presumably WAS offended.
And if it's "really not offensive", why pretend you don't remember saying it?
Acknowledge, apologize, move on.

AngelicKaty · 05/05/2025 11:48

EarthSight · 05/05/2025 11:46

Because when HR do this, it's never 'just' a something.

They say this so you'll let your guard down, but you can bet that all of it will be carefully recorded, in case it becomes useful at a later date.

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Utter tosh. 🙄

CunningLinguist1 · 05/05/2025 11:51

HRHooha · 05/05/2025 08:22

I don't know. A couple of people. They haven't told me who's complained and I know they won't.

And neither should they. I'd read your company complaints policy and stop being so childish about "not recalling". You (presumably) very much DO recall, so be a grownup and stand by the stuff you've said. If it's no big deal, you'll be fine.

("Falling on your sword" - you're not sacrificing yourself for the greater good etc. and you're not without fault, as you, by your posts etc, did say something. So it's more a case of "reaping what you sow" or "facing the consequences" of something -- if it is indeed something to reap/face shit for.)

CunningLinguist1 · 05/05/2025 11:52

HRHooha · 05/05/2025 08:25

But they don't know I remember. But I'm not going to self incriminate. I'll say I apologise if I did so but I've no memory of saying.

So just a bog-standard liar then. Fabulous.

CunningLinguist1 · 05/05/2025 11:55

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 05/05/2025 08:42

Aside from anything else, I’d be trying to find out who grassed me up.

People are allowed to say unpleasant/uncalled for/ rude/ unfair things about where they work. Moaning about it to colleagues is what makes the world go around.

That person is an arsehole for getting you into a formal meeting with HR, where you’ll potentially get some sort of bollocking.
I don’t care what you said, your colleague is a twat.

Are you 12? "grassing up"...? If someone says something offensive/out of order, pulling them up on it isn't grassing, it's consequences.
Normal life, not a fucking episode of "Kin" :D

Smallmercies · 05/05/2025 11:59

101Nutella · 05/05/2025 09:19

-Take a union rep with you. Even an informal meeting is something that can be used lasted if things progress- so don’t go alone and end up blindsided.
-ask in email before hand what the meeting is about and issue is- so you get it all in writing.
-Get meeting minuted by your rep/HR - make sure it’s accurate and you agree it as likeness of email afterwards.
-ask them what policy has been broken by expressing an opinion?
(that depends on the situation, what was said)- your rep would probs ask what the meetings all about.

Unless you’ve got a really bad, offensive attitude- this sounds a bit heavy handed. And I’d just take my rep in so they know they can’t threaten people- especially if it’s just that their ego is hurt when someone points out a flaw in their policy- it happens.

Most employers won't let you being a rep to an informal meeting.

Smallmercies · 05/05/2025 12:01

EarthSight · 05/05/2025 11:46

Because when HR do this, it's never 'just' a something.

They say this so you'll let your guard down, but you can bet that all of it will be carefully recorded, in case it becomes useful at a later date.

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Tell us you've no understanding of HR without telling us you've no understanding of HR.

whitewineandsun · 05/05/2025 12:05

You said it and presumably meant it. Own it like an adult.

Communitywebbing · 05/05/2025 12:15

How about going into the meeting saying that you are concerned that somebody has complained about something you said, and can they please explain what exactly was reported? Then take on board whatever they reply and either tell them that this is not how you remember the conversation, or accept that on that occasion you spoke out of turn.
Hopefully it can be resolved in this one meeting, but it won't be if you are already on the defensive and refusing to cooperate with the process.

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