Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

Of course there isn't a time limit.

But this man is just continuing to behave in a way that is harassing - and upsetting you! Why won't you deal with it properly and professionally?

What, exactly, is stopping you?

It's not bothering me, to be clear. But it is bothering you.

As a survivor of domestic abuse I wouldn’t be at all surprised if your understanding of a healthy relationship is skewed, you struggle to implement boundaries, your self esteem is poor and you question your worth and how you deserve to be treated. Therefore the fact you’ve spoken up and advocated for yourself, however long it took, is probably a huge deal for you and you should be really proud of yourself. Keep going! You deserve to feel safe and respected.

I've explained the action I took and have taken and I did not expect him to show up here today.

Thank you. My head is indeed all over the place. I have zero comprehension of what a healthy relationship is, or if I even deserve one. But I did start to get angry today.

I highly recommend doing the freedom programme online and reading the book overcoming low self esteem.

Yes thanks I am looking into that on the recommendation of this site. My last relationship has wrecked me completely to the point I don't feel deserving of anything so I think this is why this man now has been able to ride right over my boundaries.

More than likely, but this will sadly be evident to other perpetrators and for your safety and happiness it’s important to try and rebuild yourself.

I think you need to tell him straight that you are not friends and you don't want to be friends.
Neither do you have any shared work tasks.
You simply work in the same building or for the same company.
You do not wish to have interaction with him whatsoever.
Tell him If he continues approaching your desk you will make a formal complaint or escalate the complaint you have already made.
If he remains in the vicinity do not speak to him further.
Go immediately to your boss and report the matter.
I wish you all the best.

Are you scared of losing your job OP ? This man is now taking the piss out of you . He knows you have reported him yet still he's bothering you . What have you got to lose ? He will keep doing this until you crack and leave . He thinks he's invincible and is in a power trip. Your line manager is a wimp and a coward. You need to go over their heads start reporting as high as you can go .

I've all your posts op but not anyone else's.

Way I see it you have 2 options or things you should do.

• start making a detailed diary & audio recording on your phone your unwanted interactions and exchanges with this sexual harasser.

Then email your complaint to your managers describing the truth of what is going on. Don't tell them you have the incidents recorded.

• if he gets fired, find you might stay in your job if you enjoyed it otherwise
• if he doesn't get fired, resign telling the bosses you are leaving because of continuous sexual harassment which you have reported.
• talk to ACAS and file a case at an Employment Tribunal. Your home insurance will cover legal fees if you have a decent case (which you have!)
• Once your ex employer knows about the recordings they will/should offer you a lot of money not to take them to court, if they don't then carry on with the case.

1. Leave this job. Walk don't run.

It is completely unacceptable to have this level of harassment, let alone the sexual harassment. This man is breaking employment law and if your manager/company won't support you now, they never will. Get a new job where this is not the culture and do get cornered into this level of engagement/harassment again. It's not your fault at all, but you must learn from this how better to protect yourself.

Lastly, reading your posts and knowing you have ADHD (I do too) you need to consider that you are also autistic. This is very common if you have any ND then you are very very likely to have one or more than one of the many Co morbidities.
Your posts and behaviour (naivety, not reading social cues, struggles with overstimulation etc), read like you have ASD. ND are extra vulnerable to abuse and abusive people, again, not your fault. But you need to start educating yourself about these challenges that you will have as a ND person because it will hopefully make life easier for you.
I wish you well, and hope you get out of that place one way or another.

Stop thinking about the word 'relationship'. There is no relationship. You do not have any kind of relationship with him.

He is an annoying dickhead who won't leave you alone. Give yourself permission to get properly angry with him.

He is a misogynistic prick to say the least.

I’m sorry OP that this odious man is still harassing you.

Report to HR again, in writing and if their office is in your building or near by visit them in person.

His behaviour is shocking and he is a bully and enjoying your discomfort.

I'm sorry he's still being a prick op. Ignore anyone who is having a go at you for not doing things on their timescales. They're not you, they haven't walked in your shoes.

A grievance is still an option and wouldn't be an overreaction, against him and your manager for telling you to deal with sexual harassment by yourself.

How are things op?

Hi everybody sorry for the long absence. Just an update. I ended up taking some time off sick because I couldn't handle the stress anymore. Sadly when I get very stressed and if there is constant attention on me I blow up and it was getting close to that point with not just icky guy but in general. I was so upset that I found out that he wasn't actually spoken to and that my efforts to ask him to leave me alone and stop with the smut, fell on deaf ears.

My boss then got in touch to see how this could be dealt with to my satisfaction and I told him that I now expected this man to leave me alone and did not want to see him or have any dealings with him. I put it in writing and kept a copy, sent him a copy and stressed that I was being made ill by the sexual comments, touching, invites to lunch and general what I deemed to be sexist remarks about his apparent attitude towards my job. My boss commented that it was important it was now in writing and he did seem genuinely remorseful for further action not being taken. I have an acknowledgement from the guy's boss now too and have been advised that at one more incident of this, that I am to report it straight away and he is on his one and only warning.

Added to this I am also going to be moving later in the year to a more populated area away from 'his route'. I came back to work yeserday and have not seen him at all.

I'd like to thank everyone here who believed me and who gave me the strength to go forward with this. It has been nerve wracking and a real learning process but I feel a lot stronger because of it. Thank you all so very much.

I'm sorry that the lack of support from your boss led to you being unwell. Hopefully it's been dealt with now and you never have to encounter that horrible man again. Thank you for updating. All the best to you
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Sounds like it’s a much more positive scenario for you. But I’m sorry you had to take time off/were so stressed out about it.

I'm sorry you've been made ill by this.

I don't think it's been handled correctly by your boss or his boss and if you have HR, i would speak to them for some informal advice -. It's concerning that they say if he does it again then xyz ... he shouldn't get another opportunity to do this and if he does id be concerned that it might really do you even more harm than it already has.

I am so sorry that this has made ill. Your boss handled this awfully and so has the other manager. Have you a HR department? The managers sound like they have no idea how to handle the situation.

Well done Nina, well well done. That’s exactly what you needed to do. WELL DONE. You put yourself first and stuck up for you. I (random internet person) am so proud of you. But please, be proud of yourself.

Well done OP. Take some time to recover and go back to work with your head held high.

Thanks ever so much xx