Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

None of this is your fault. Freezing or fawning is a trauma response when confronted with a threat. Lots of women react like this, myself included.

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing how to respond to weird inappropriate male behaviour. It probably didn’t start weird. He’s gradually got worse and worse and now he’s dominating you and your space and he’s being very open about it.

The thought of him standing there constantly fills me with rage.

I agree with this completely.

OP you are a decent and kind person who works hard, this is obvious from your posts. The man harassing you is at fault, you have done NOTHING wrong. Go back to your boss and tell him what the man’s manager said, in the conversation refer to your company’s sexual harassment policy.

I am sending you my very best wishes, stay strong, you are doing a brilliant job of standing up for yourself. I guarantee that by standing up to this man now you are saving another woman from going through this with him in the future.

Courage is when someone does something even though they are scared or anxious about it. You have courage OP, you are anxious and worried about calling him out but doing it anyway. I am proud of you for having courage even though I don’t know you.

i really feel for you @Nina7648 and this is not your fault. For the future (though hopefully he will leave you alone if the managers pull their fingers out) with the phone calls -

twatface is at your desk, phone rings.
You answer phone and within first few seconds ask the person on the other end to hold on for a moment (even if it’s really important or sensitive, or a cold caller or a decoy call, even if they hang up pretend they haven’t)

Put them on hold but also put your hand over the mouthpiece as a good visual clue.

Say to twatface “this call is private so you need to go now.” (Don’t say sorry or please!)

If he says something along the lines of “it’s ok, I’ll wait or just sit here or stand further away” you need to keep with your hand on the receiver and say “no, it’s not appropriate that you are here. You are interrupting my work and this call. Go away.”

if he still won’t move go back to your call and say “I’m very sorry to keep you waiting, I’ll be one more moment.”

back to twatface. “You need to leave so I can work. Shall I get in touch with my manager and your manager so they can explain this to you?” Add in “the cctv records me and also you so they can see that you are here interrupting my work and not doing your own you know”

if he still won’t budge you need to go back to your call, apologise, say you cannot speak to them because of a problem at your end but will call them back. Put the phone down, pick it straight back up and say “right I’m calling my manager now to explain why I’ve just had to refuse to take a call and tell them that you are preventing me from doing my job.” And do it! With him standing there or not.

he is only going to get the bluntest of messages so you have to be really brave to match his energy and stand up to him. I know how hard that is.

Do you get sick pay ? I would be tempted to go off sick with stress until the situation is properly dealt with.

Have you contacted them again and insisted they deal with the sexual harassment aspect ?

Im sure we could help you draft an email if you wanted.

I do get sick pay but to me doing that is so defeatist and it's like admitting I've failed. I don't know where that feeling comes from either.

You're not being weird. He sounds very trying.
Fortunately you have a perfect excuse - you are at work. You need to start saying Hello Alan. Sorry I can't chat now, I'm in the middle of something. Really busy at the moment.
Since your boss is approachable you could ask him to support you if he notices Alan hanging around.
You didn't mean to, but through being polite, you may have given the impression that you're glad to see him and he may be hoping for something more. I think he would get the message if you just stop being available. And don't answer any messages outside working hours.

This is not your fault. You have not done anything wrong.

Can you speak to your boss today?

Thank you - unfortunately his visits always coincide with my bosses lunch hour - convenient huh?

I guess if I was to give myself a little credit, it would be to say that it started off as a visit, but then the little inappropriate comments snuck in, added to the sheer length of time he was standing for, then phoning me when I was abroad (I hadn't told him where I was going) and then got a text saying 'Why do you have a European ring tone where are you??'... then his red face and seeming anger when I told him I was going out on Valentine's Day.... it all started to ring alarm bells.... :( But now I'm worried I'm slow and dense. And I really would never ever ever lead anyone on or break anyone's heart because I know what that feels like...arrrrghhhhhh :( I'm never going to be able to be myself again because this is what happens when you're nice :(

The bosses lunch hour visits say it all.
It's not your fault if this man has developed a bit of thing for you, but for both your sakes he needs to know that you're not interested. You don't need to be rude to him, just smile and say Hi Alan, sorry I can't chat now, the boss has asked me to finish x before he gets back, then I promised to phone y at half past, or whatever. If you do chat, then casually mentioning a partner or love interest (real or imaginary) is another way to deter him.

I was actually thinking it would force your employer to act, if you are off sick as a direct result of them failing to deal with sexual harassment. Be in very clear you are unwell and cannot return to an environment where you are being sexually harassed.

I don’t want to upset you further but this could get worse. You need to be documenting everything.

You need to take steps to protect yourself now. Take action.

You really must email the higher ups - with a full timeline and his disgusting comments stated in full. Use the words sexual harassment. Today.

Be really clear what is happening and that it has not been dealt with.

You are feeling unsettled because you ahve done something new. Its a new skill - you have been assertive with him - it didnt work - he continued to escalae the time and the sexual harrassment so you reported it. It is now firmly in the hands of your company - they are obligated to keep you safe at work. Relax and be reassured.

Dont dount yourself - you took action. You might take action sooner next time. Hopefully you wont come across someone so grim.

Please be proud of yourself - its not easy standing up to creeps - but at least in the workplace we now have very clear expectations of behaviour legally.

You did super well - an awkward silence is hard to do - well done! i will continue reading the thread now (((hug)))

Agree with all of this - they have a legal responsibility to deal with this. Its very serious for them as a company not to act immediately.

There is even a new recent law Oct 2024 about companies being responsible for prevention of sexual harrasment www.localgovernmentlawyer.co.uk/employment/312-employment-features/57499-the-new-law-on-sexual-harassment-in-the-workplace

You can do this, this Perv was bad luck. He could have been just a normal bloke.
Being pleasant is fine, You just now have to grey rock & make management take action.
Re the hanging around. You need a few stock phrases.
Look, you can see I'm snowed under, you need to go
These calls are private, you cannot hover I need to concentrate
Dont you have any work to do ?
I'm busy off you trot.

You need to be brusque.
No more please or thank you.
You could even say,
What is your goal hanging around here all the time? Because I am not vaguely interested in any further discussion & never will be.

And I really would never ever ever lead anyone on or break anyone's heart because I know what that feels like...

No, op. That’s not what’s happening. He doesn’t like you. He likes dominating you. Most of the time these men don’t fancy us at all. They think we’re a soft touch and they enjoy bullying us in this way because it’s deniable.

If he was hoping for a romantic connection with you he would be trying to impress you, not making dirty comments about tits and happy endings. He wouldn’t make dirty noises while hugging you. He’s deliberately acting like a sleaze to creep you out and make you uncomfortable because he gets off on it. And phoning you at home was an escalation of this. He enjoys making you uncomfortable at work and escalated to trying to make you uncomfortable at home as well.

There is no woman in the world who would be attracted to his disgusting behaviour, and he knows that. He wants you to be uncomfortable, awkward, creeped out. The opposite of how you want someone to feel if you like them.

He's also not single.

So don’t worry about breaking his heart. He’s an abuser, and he would have done this to any woman he thought he could bully. You will not be the first woman he’s done this too.

i wonder if yu need to go back to your boss @Nina7648 and tell him that apparently no words have been had with this guy - although his non-appearance seems to indicate that he HAS got wind of something - maybe it was your awkward silence and reaction that made him realize that you are 'on to him' Your demeanour has changed. Predators DO pick up on the subtleties of their prey.

Now, I too was in a long-term abusive relationship. Controlling and damaging, and I totally know where you are right now. I remember when I got free of my ex I was like a deer in the headlights for ages, and so lacking in my own self-belief. The shark tank analogy IS correct. People like him - and your ex - can sense their victims. You are still giving off 'blood' as per the analogy.

What i did was The Freedom Programme IN PERSON - if you can do this, i strongly recommend it. it helps. it's not the golden bullet, but it opens your eyes.

I also did therapy - is that an option? do you have private health care?

I know it's tough for you, but time will tell with this guy. if he come back, you are going to have to tell him 'I don't have time or interest in speaking with you. you are rude and inappropriate, please leave me alone'

You are on camera, he can't kick off. Perhaps also tell your boss that this creep always comes when your boss is on lunch so could boss change his lunch time for a while to observe?

The other thing I will tell you is that it is not just a predator who has the superhuman skills of spotting victims and preying on them. We too have special skills, our relationship with abusive or controlling men give US the power to read body language, footsteps and nuances better than anyone. This CAN help us and keep us safe - trust your instincts!! However, it can overwhelm us until we get the hang of our skill.

If the sexual harassment is not dealt with - and record him if he comes anywhere near you again - then consider putting in a grievance. I'm not sure about going off sick, i think you need to lean on your boss a bit more before that.

Thank you ALL for all the support and comments and wisdom. I do appreciate it. I feel a bit ghastly.

Do you mind if I pick up on something here? Does this mean in order to be fanciable at all, I need to be a bitch? Maybe it's true what they say, if you're a good girl and kind and loving, you never get the guy? (Sorry to segway for a minute).

What do you mean about being fanciable and having to be a bitch ?

People find each other fanciable for lots of reasons.

Do you mean in order to set boundaries you have to be a bitch ?

I think you really have to unpick how you think of social interaction with a therapist. Currently you are conflating being subservient with being “nice” and it absolutely is not how it works.

It is not “unkind” to protect yourself by setting boundaries.

Why are you even bringing being 'fanciable' into the equation here? And NO, this is not how social interactions work. People are attracted to each other for all sorts of reasons. If they like each other they will be nice with each other.
You've got yourself into a right pickle with what it means to be friendly vs. flirting vs. being an abusive asshole vs. being assertive in ridding yourself of unwanted behaviour.
This is best unpacked with a qualified therapist.

When I was younger I did not realise that 'unwanted attention of a sexual nature' is actually sexual harassment and I reacted as you are, by being polite etc, but I can tell you that if someone at work purposely directs conversations to a sexual nature just to see my reaction (this happened to me in one particular job) or asks you for a hug and then uses this to feel up on your body it's called sexual harassment.

Furthermore you are describing your gut feelings about this man. He sounds like a predator and sees you a vulnerable because you are not being firm with him in dismissing him away. You are being polite etc. When this happened to me, I tried to be. He's creeping you out and he's also trying to wear you down. You can see he's the type of person who won't take no for a answer because he can see your busy and not interested but he still persists. He asked you out for a meal. If you said yes and if anything goes wrong it will be your word against his.It's just a game to him.

Please follow your gut feelings everyone.. It's the unpleasant feeling we get in our stomachs or inside ourselves that is warning us that something or someone is not right and it is there to protect us and keep us safe. If you get this feeling trust it.

Yes this is what I was trying to say. I think I just started to panic re my last relationship - abusive. Sometimes my mind thinks he wouldn't have been abusive if I was different. So I've come to expect abuse as ok, meaning 'he doesn't want me so it's ok for him to become abusive'. Sorry to go down a rabbit hole.

I am seeing a therapist and we are delving into why I always feel abandoned, added to why I seem to attract these type of men.

No I meant, does it mean you are only really worthy and fanciable to men if you are a bitch? (I'm sorry).

Why do you see a woman standing up for herself and not accepting poor behaviour as her ‘being a butch’, though?

Also, from your previous comments, what is a ‘good girl’?!

You’ve internalised a lot of misogyny, OP. And it’s really really hurting you.

This is not normal OP. Do not let this guy treat you like this. You need to tell him outright to leave you alone and that you're not interested in his stories. Google sexual harassment and print something off and hand it to him or leave it on his desk.

He should not have your number and if he has your number block him. If he tries to talk to you at work blank him unless it's to do with work. He probably views all women as weak. Do you think a man who is genuinely interested in you as a person would persue you in this way. Hell no!

Can you imagine if you were a different person and you did start an affair with him, he would soon tell the whole office and the rumours and embarrassment would cause you to leave or to lose your job.

Just nipping in to support you here too. He sounds like a predator to me, has no shame! If he swoops by just tell him you're too busy and see you next week ... hopefully he'll get the hint (🤔 and piss off for a few days