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Original poster

Constant attention from colleague

348 replies

Nina7648 · 07/02/2025 14:32

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/02/2025 10:34

'Sorry Stuart, I'm really busy here' then look back at your screen.

Original poster
Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 10:40

MorrisZapp · 21/02/2025 10:34

'Sorry Stuart, I'm really busy here' then look back at your screen.

Believe me, it makes NO difference.

OP posts:
VexedofVirginiaWater · 21/02/2025 10:55

Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 10:29

Thank you, I didn't know the sexual jokes constituted it at all. Where I used to work, this was part of daily life. I even had a colleague send me a dick pic and when I told my manager, she laughed and said 'sure they all do that'. So I have NO idea what to do when it's on a more 'subtle' level like I say.

His holiday starts today so not sure if he will appear. @Dragonfly97 maybe I did just reach the point that enough was enough, which is why it's taken so long to raise.

My manager told me I had to deal with the inappropriate comments myself :(

Sorry, which manager told you this - your current one or the manager from your old job?

Original poster
Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 10:56

VexedofVirginiaWater · 21/02/2025 10:55

Sorry, which manager told you this - your current one or the manager from your old job?

Show quote history

This one. It was the last one who laughed when I told her about the dic-pic.

OP posts:
VexedofVirginiaWater · 21/02/2025 11:04

So you have gone to your manager with a problem caused by a sleazy male employee, and your manager's way of dealing with it is to tell you to deal with it yourself? 😠

Asswholes · 21/02/2025 11:27

Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 10:56

This one. It was the last one who laughed when I told her about the dic-pic.

Show quote history

You could have a grievanace case against your mananger here for not actioning the reports of sexual harrassment appropriately. I would go over their head to HR and make two complaints.

This should not be minimised / ignored. The company has a legal obligation to demonstrate that they have taken preventitive steps re sexual harrassment in the workplace never mind dismissing it when its reported.

Original poster
Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 11:27

VexedofVirginiaWater · 21/02/2025 11:04

So you have gone to your manager with a problem caused by a sleazy male employee, and your manager's way of dealing with it is to tell you to deal with it yourself? 😠

He said he'd deal with the constant visits, the inappropriateness I have to deal with alone. So this is the second time this has happened to me and I'm really really starting to doubt myself and think I'm creating too much drama :( I'm really down today I'm sorry.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/02/2025 11:29

Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 09:54

Thank you. It's just so subtle, like the odd comment about 'cumming' and his 'dick' etc.

Show quote history

Neither of those things is at all subtle. That’s all incredibly inappropriate and very clear sexual harassment.

Asswholes · 21/02/2025 11:35

The most import piece is that you have already repeated the offensive sexual harrassment to your boss. The ball is in his court the responsibilty and accountablility for next steps following employment law is HIS. Are your words documented? If so you ahve done your bit. If not go back and ensure this is recorded.

pikkumyy77 · 21/02/2025 11:39

Nina7648 · 20/02/2025 13:48

Yes this is what I was trying to say. I think I just started to panic re my last relationship - abusive. Sometimes my mind thinks he wouldn't have been abusive if I was different. So I've come to expect abuse as ok, meaning 'he doesn't want me so it's ok for him to become abusive'. Sorry to go down a rabbit hole.

I am seeing a therapist and we are delving into why I always feel abandoned, added to why I seem to attract these type of men.

Show quote history

You remind me of those of my patients whose parents or early friend groups snd partners narcissistically abused them. You learn a certain skill set: freezing or fawning as PP said upthread. There is another response that we sometimes have “attach and submit”—both freezing and fawning can be done a little bit as techniques without absorbing your whole self but attaching and submitting, which is very characteristic of children, is slso what you are doing when you focus on the man and whether he is ok, fancies you, keeps his job, keeps his status. That is attaching to him and submitting to him as the source if meaning .

In your own life you need to learn to be brave and bold to protect yourself. Within reason no one’s interest or right to happiness exceeds your own. You must protect yourself at all times. How you choose to do that might vary tactically and situationally but that you must do so is a basic human right and need.

Have a look at Peter Walker’s book Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving. He does a great review of trauma responses and how we can understand our tendency to reenact our typucal trauma responses (such as fawning and submissive behavior around men) while other people seem to be sble to choose to fight or assert themselves. There are very good excercises at the back of the book to help you brake the cycle of yielding to your old patterns.

Asswholes · 21/02/2025 11:46

pikkumyy77 · 21/02/2025 11:39

You remind me of those of my patients whose parents or early friend groups snd partners narcissistically abused them. You learn a certain skill set: freezing or fawning as PP said upthread. There is another response that we sometimes have “attach and submit”—both freezing and fawning can be done a little bit as techniques without absorbing your whole self but attaching and submitting, which is very characteristic of children, is slso what you are doing when you focus on the man and whether he is ok, fancies you, keeps his job, keeps his status. That is attaching to him and submitting to him as the source if meaning .

In your own life you need to learn to be brave and bold to protect yourself. Within reason no one’s interest or right to happiness exceeds your own. You must protect yourself at all times. How you choose to do that might vary tactically and situationally but that you must do so is a basic human right and need.

Have a look at Peter Walker’s book Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving. He does a great review of trauma responses and how we can understand our tendency to reenact our typucal trauma responses (such as fawning and submissive behavior around men) while other people seem to be sble to choose to fight or assert themselves. There are very good excercises at the back of the book to help you brake the cycle of yielding to your old patterns.

Show quote history

https://www.pete-walker.com/

loads of short cuts on his website (LHS)

Original poster
Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 12:01

pikkumyy77 · 21/02/2025 11:39

You remind me of those of my patients whose parents or early friend groups snd partners narcissistically abused them. You learn a certain skill set: freezing or fawning as PP said upthread. There is another response that we sometimes have “attach and submit”—both freezing and fawning can be done a little bit as techniques without absorbing your whole self but attaching and submitting, which is very characteristic of children, is slso what you are doing when you focus on the man and whether he is ok, fancies you, keeps his job, keeps his status. That is attaching to him and submitting to him as the source if meaning .

In your own life you need to learn to be brave and bold to protect yourself. Within reason no one’s interest or right to happiness exceeds your own. You must protect yourself at all times. How you choose to do that might vary tactically and situationally but that you must do so is a basic human right and need.

Have a look at Peter Walker’s book Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving. He does a great review of trauma responses and how we can understand our tendency to reenact our typucal trauma responses (such as fawning and submissive behavior around men) while other people seem to be sble to choose to fight or assert themselves. There are very good excercises at the back of the book to help you brake the cycle of yielding to your old patterns.

Show quote history

Thank you so much adn to @Asswholes for the info. Incredibly helpful. I take it @pikkumyy77 you are a professional counsellor? It really helps that you can recognise what is 'wrong' with me. I do feel like a bit of a failure due to having this - PTSD if that's what it is. I had a lovely childhood but lost my dad at a young age and then all sorts of crap after that.

PS I can now confirm he has NOT been spoken to. He was just here and I said 'Look my manager has been watching me on the cameras here and I have to get on with my work - I can't be interrupted anymore ok?' He started to laugh and mock my boss and I sort of lost it and said 'you were spoken to no?' and he said 'no body's spoken to me darlin'.

:(

OP posts:
TheZingyFish · 21/02/2025 12:10

Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 12:01

Thank you so much adn to @Asswholes for the info. Incredibly helpful. I take it @pikkumyy77 you are a professional counsellor? It really helps that you can recognise what is 'wrong' with me. I do feel like a bit of a failure due to having this - PTSD if that's what it is. I had a lovely childhood but lost my dad at a young age and then all sorts of crap after that.

PS I can now confirm he has NOT been spoken to. He was just here and I said 'Look my manager has been watching me on the cameras here and I have to get on with my work - I can't be interrupted anymore ok?' He started to laugh and mock my boss and I sort of lost it and said 'you were spoken to no?' and he said 'no body's spoken to me darlin'.

:(

Show quote history

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I would email your boss to recount the concern of sexual harassment that you have previously reported, and that you feel very vulnerable as it has not been dealt appropriately and you feel your abuser is continuing this sexual harassment and further taunting you. This needs to be in writing.

You should ask what the procedure is for dealing with this behaviour, both by yourself and the company and ask if you are expected to deal with this. Make sure you say you do not feel safe and that having reported this you feel unsupported and are concerned by the tolerance of this behaviour in the company.

pikkumyy77 · 21/02/2025 12:18

Well—there is nothing wrong with you. You are not at fault here. A rabbit isn’t at fault for being soft and fuzzy. But rabbits have to be smart to survive. Try to focus on your skill set and develop new skill sets to protect yourself.

All skills can be learned. When I was in my twenties I lived and worked alone in a remote Nepali village three days walk from the end of the road. I got groped from the seat behind me on the bus to the end if the road, groped from the side by my seat mate, and approached and harassed on the trail to my village.

The second bus trip I took snd the next trek I took I had learned to be proactive. I didn’t wait for these guys to start I just straight up started first. At the first “hello miss” I would explode in Nepali “How dare you speak to me that way? A foreign older sister/little sister? “ My resting bitch face was, frankly, quite active.
But what I did isn’t relevant to your situation because you fear conflict. So you have to learn to be safe your own way.

This man and your managers have shown you that they will not protect you. Either escalate to HR (if you think they will be sympathetic) or quit.

If it were me I would lean forward and tell him, confidentially, that you complained to management because he smells bad and people have complained to you about it. Suggest he wipes more effectively after the loo.

You will never see him again.

WoolerOwl · 21/02/2025 12:32

TheZingyFish · 21/02/2025 12:10

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I would email your boss to recount the concern of sexual harassment that you have previously reported, and that you feel very vulnerable as it has not been dealt appropriately and you feel your abuser is continuing this sexual harassment and further taunting you. This needs to be in writing.

You should ask what the procedure is for dealing with this behaviour, both by yourself and the company and ask if you are expected to deal with this. Make sure you say you do not feel safe and that having reported this you feel unsupported and are concerned by the tolerance of this behaviour in the company.

Show quote history

I think this is all very good advice. It is not you who is doing anything wrong here.

A few tips for managing things while your company gets their act together. Is there an assertive female friend/colleague in your workplace who could come alongside you in this? You could text her a code word when he appears and she could come and wheel a spare desk chair up to your screen and say, "right, let's look at this plan together". And then both give him a cold, hard stare to ask why he's still standing there. Every time. Also, request a meeting with your boss to discuss the lack of progress with the issue you have raised, and take her with you to the meeting. I think you will find your boss behaves better when there is someone else there.

None of this is to say that you need rescuing. I think that, with support and some the resources that have been suggested, you are beginning to understand what is going on here and will be able to advocate better for yourself and get your company to do the right thing. Your reply to the troll above was magnificent -- and entirely appropriate. You can do this. But sometimes we need to borrow a little assertiveness from others to get us through our own vulnerable moments. I imagine you'd do the same for someone else.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 21/02/2025 12:35

I wonder if you could practise saying something to him beforehand. Others can advise better, but something simple like please go away, I don't like you standing here staring while I'm trying to work, it's creepy, and I don't like the distasteful comments you make - that's creepy too.

pikkumyy77 · 21/02/2025 12:40

He enjoys abusing and humiliating her. He will not respind, now, to any rote statements.

whatapalarva · 21/02/2025 12:55

Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 12:01

Thank you so much adn to @Asswholes for the info. Incredibly helpful. I take it @pikkumyy77 you are a professional counsellor? It really helps that you can recognise what is 'wrong' with me. I do feel like a bit of a failure due to having this - PTSD if that's what it is. I had a lovely childhood but lost my dad at a young age and then all sorts of crap after that.

PS I can now confirm he has NOT been spoken to. He was just here and I said 'Look my manager has been watching me on the cameras here and I have to get on with my work - I can't be interrupted anymore ok?' He started to laugh and mock my boss and I sort of lost it and said 'you were spoken to no?' and he said 'no body's spoken to me darlin'.

:(

Show quote history

Ok so as in my previous advice to you, go to HR and ask for the conduct & complaints policies. By Law they have to have these in place. Honestly, no more Mrs Nice guy OP, you are not at fault here and the inactivity of your manager is illegal in employment Law. Get this sorted, work out the deeper why's and wherefore's afterwards. The sheer cheek that he calls you darlin' makes my blood boil. They are protecting him, not you.

whatapalarva · 21/02/2025 13:01

...BTW and I have worked on Financial Markets trading floors for 30+ years so I know that in the old days it was accepted as a par for the course but its 2025, not 1985. He's taking the mickey now.

Gloriainextremis · 21/02/2025 13:04

I'd have seen red and lost it by now, and said: "I'm not your 'darlin', now will you just FUCK OFF and leave me alone!!".

He deserves absolutely no politeness or consideration from you whatsoever. Not any more.

You need to start feeling (totally justifiably) angry now. You really do.

blackbirdsingingoutside · 21/02/2025 13:08

Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 12:01

Thank you so much adn to @Asswholes for the info. Incredibly helpful. I take it @pikkumyy77 you are a professional counsellor? It really helps that you can recognise what is 'wrong' with me. I do feel like a bit of a failure due to having this - PTSD if that's what it is. I had a lovely childhood but lost my dad at a young age and then all sorts of crap after that.

PS I can now confirm he has NOT been spoken to. He was just here and I said 'Look my manager has been watching me on the cameras here and I have to get on with my work - I can't be interrupted anymore ok?' He started to laugh and mock my boss and I sort of lost it and said 'you were spoken to no?' and he said 'no body's spoken to me darlin'.

:(

Show quote history

You're not a failure op. I have cptsd due to seeing my Dad die and violence. Ive only started to understand it all now, we're not failures, in fact considering what childhood trauma does to many I'd say we are survivors and are strong.

Takes time to unpick.

That post really helped me as well. I have a fawn response with men at work, overbearing men I mean really. I didn't know about the child behaviour and how it matches that. Has helped me make sense of a few things.

Original poster
Nina7648 · 21/02/2025 13:15

pikkumyy77 · 21/02/2025 12:40

He enjoys abusing and humiliating her. He will not respind, now, to any rote statements.

Why do they enjoy this???? :(

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 21/02/2025 13:17

OP

If your manager is not taking it seriously and he isn't, you need professional outside help. Please call your local Citizens Advice or similar advice charity https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/discrimination-at-work/dealing-with-discrimination-at-work/checking-if-its-discrimination/if-youre-being-harassed-or-bullied-at-work/

This has to stop before you become so ill through stress you end up leaving. Too many people leave work because they are constantly harrassed by arsehole colleagues who wind you up and find reactions funny.

Nessastats · 21/02/2025 13:21

Fuck me your manager is just as big a piece of shit as this guy. You can't trust any of them.

If i were you id take the rest of the day off sick. Think about what you want to do over the weekend.

Mix56 · 21/02/2025 13:23

You need to speak to your manager again.
Say Perv's manager has done nothing & Perv has not stopped.
Say it's sexual harassment, there are laws with regard to this.
You will have to take this higher, & contact your union.
Its affecting your work & causing contant stress

Ask if there's any way you could move to another office with people around you?