Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

It was a last ditch kind of idea - I am horrified that a manager has told a young woman to sort this out herself with a much older man who is harassing her. I think it might be time to go off sick as she really has told him how she feels and he is persisting and thinks it's funny. My God some men are really sickening - just shows what they do when they see they can get away with it.

I think the management don't have your back here. I would be looking to move jobs. You don't like confrontation and you are being put in a difficult situation every day, through no fault of your own. This man is loathsome and you would be within your rights to complain to your boss about the sustained harassment again. Put it in an email for a paper trail. Then tell him it's affecting you and causing stress. Make it clear that you have spoken to the perv on more than one occasion to no effect and now you are passing it to your manager to deal with. And take time off. Block the perv from your personal phone. Look for work elsewhere

Is there a paper trail/email evidence of any of this OP?

If not email the HR/manager with a clear break down of your complaints and their responses and request a reply.

Do you have any employment law advice covered in your home insurance? A little bit is often included?

Take them to the fucking cleaners.

Why does this keep happening to me? I've only ever tried to be a good person. I feel good enough to be used but never enough to be taken seriously or loved properly by a man. They always turn into complete slimepigs.

You need to speak with HR both managers are useless and it is clearly a boys club.

First step ask HR for their Sexual Harassment Policy by email cc both your manager and his manager.

It happens to a lot of us but some are more able to nip it in the bud quickly before it escalates.

It's ruining your self esteem, that will have a lot to do with it. Predators like this man are experts at spotting someone who struggles with confrontation.

I really don’t understand how sexual harassment at work relates to ‘being loved properly by a man’. Genuinely. I don’t know how you’ve got there from the current situation.

Additionally, do you believe that abuse victims and the victims of harassment (other than yourself) are harassed and abused because they’re not ‘good’ enough? Or do you accept that being ‘good’ has nothing to do with it?

In my experience, they are like sharks and sniff out whiffs of vulnerability. I'm not saying it definitely is but with me I had to work on my assertiveness and also a little on boundaries (being too nice to pig type men) call it your shark cage.

I think op is just musing out loud and didn't mean be loved by pervy man.

Honestly, having read all her previous comments, I think - in her mind - it’s all inextricably linked. I’m trying (possibly not well) to get her to unlink it all.

OP, you attracted this guy because ...

You're a woman.

That's it.

Guys like this will try it on with any woman they can, and if they don't get told firmly to fuck off, that keep pushing boundaries.

Nothing to do with your looks, your personality (apart from being a pushover), or your general desirability.

You have a vagina. That's it.

Now stop being a wet blanket and tell him to go away. Don't hint, don't ask, TELL HIM.

But it is linked. People who harbour self doubt in any form are very attractive to predators.

Relationships, be they work, friendship, or love, start with attraction. OP is very attractive to this kind of predator, she didn't bite him when he tried his arseholery at first and he felt he could ramp it up to 11. I would say we all learn in some way to recognise these kinds of predators and have developed defences against it. OP is in the process of that.

Many people, including me, go through that trying to understand their motivations process when learning how to deal with this kind of crap. It's only later we realise there are a myriad of reasons why other people do stuff and it's usually because they feel inadequate.

The truth is his behaviour is way more about him than it is about her. He's just found someone to bully due to his own inadequacies.

It's ok. I appreciate what you are doing. I don't know how to explain it other than, my last relationship has left me SO damaged - probably more than I realised, and it's kind of being highlighted now that this other thing has happened. The previous man wanted me one minute then didn't the next, said awful things to me like all I was was a 'f*' despite him saying he wanted me to meet his family, said I was beautiful, then in the next breath told me he only liked women of a certain race, with not a pick of fat on them, said I was wonderful and kind, then in the next breath told me I was too clingy, too loving and that my love for him scared him.

So I don't know if that gives a link to my thoughts and feelings. I can't even understand what I've gone through myself. I loved my ex very deeply, tried to be the best partner I could be and was treated abysmally. And I blame myself for that because I don't think I'm pretty enough or special enough to be loved the way most people are. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Oh okay, maybe, I'm quite similar to op so maybe can't see it.

Jeez, thanks.

I think the pervy guy is sniffing this stuff out, it's what they do.

Every request needs a deadline and a consequence - so:

'Sorry Stuart, I'm really busy here - if you dont leave me alone immediately (deadline) - I will call my manager (consequence) .... and then do it.

You can’t get good love from a bad man. Its not that “good” or perfect women get good love from bad men. Look at Kanye West and hid pretty gf? He abused and controlled her and probably alternately praised and shamed her. IT IS A SPECIFIC TECHNIQUE OF CONTROL and forms part of cult formation and brain washing.

You can only get good love—real love—from a good person. You learn that they are a good person through their actions towards you. Their kindness and their consistency, their compassion and their wisdom, their practical ethics, how they behave in private with you vs what they say in public. Good relationships mature, like wine. Bad men and the relationship, rot like cheese in the sun.

Have extremely high standards for the men in your life. And have high standards for yourself and how you will be treated. You can’t abase yourself enough for these abusive men. And you don’t need to change yourself for the right man. You are exactly right for him as you are.

Domestic abuse will skew your understanding of healthy boundaries and piss on your self-esteem so it’s even harder to feel worthy or capable of implementing any boundaries. I imagine you also will appear somewhat vulnerable and he’s taking advantage of that. I highly recommend you do the freedom programme (you can do it online) and read the book overcoming low self-esteem. Both of these are great starting points for addressing the long term impact of domestic abuse.
With regards to work I’d try a different tactic with this man and start leaving to do something (get a drink, print, toilet etc) whenever he comes in. It might give him the hint and is less confrontational than being direct. I’d also start a log of all his contact and go back to your manager with it at the end of next week.

Your manager has really let you down here. I had similar at work but didn’t go to my line manager I went above because I felt more comfortable going to a woman, she then passed it on to him and he brushed it off as “misunderstandings”. I wrote a list of comments he had made - dated where I could, and then a list of emails, when they were sent (so they could look through IT) and screenshots of text messages received and missed calls. Any physical issues like him hugging me or rubbing my back I would say where it happened and the fact it was always avoiding a camera which felt on purpose on his part. I then emailed this list to both managers and asked how it would be dealt with as the suggestion that it was a misunderstanding was an insult to both mine and the man’s intelligence. I wrote it in a very formal manner so that if I needed to go further I could prove I had reported it. I was really anxious that he would come back at me about it but he avoided me completely, started getting to work earlier than me to avoid walking past my room and leaving later after I had gone. He was told that he would be suspended and investigated further if there were any further incidents. Unbeknown to me someone else came forward a few week later and he was suspended and then sacked.

If I was you I would do similar, it isn’t your job to deal with the comments, you are entitled to feel safe at work. Maybe mention you have read the worker protection act 2024 which states we are to be protected from sexual harassment.

I think @pikkumyy77 has articulated what I’m trying to say really well. You can’t get good love from a bad man, nor is any degree of self abasement ever going to be enough.

Where do you work @Nina7648 ? Not the exact details obviously, but is this retail, warehousing, construction? It might help if people have context as the vast majority of us cannot fathom how this behaviour is being dismissed by your manager (and his) and your work history demonstrates you are used to working somewhere where this sort of “banter” is accepted.

I thought it was me, that I wasn't enough. I was criticised for EVERYTHING I did, but even small things were MASSIVE to him.

I work in journalism.

OP - if you don’t feel about to take it up with HR or a more senior manager your only option may be to leave the role.

It shouldn’t be ofcourse. But your past history means you aren’t able to establish boundaries yourself and currently it appears you work somewhere so unprofessional that they don’t put a stop to it as they should do.

It sounds a horrible place to work.

Okay, ask yourself this question:

What does any of that have to do with you telling an annoying work colleague to go away and leave you alone? You are NOT in any kind of relationship with this person. None.