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Original poster

Constant attention from colleague

348 replies

Nina7648 · 07/02/2025 14:32

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

OP posts:
User452023 · 21/02/2025 18:46

If your manager is telling you to deal with the inappropriate comments by yourself then they are wrong. That's not what the law says. Maybe they're not aware of the law themselves but these laws have been created for a reason. We're in different times now and this pervy guys behaviour is not acceptable.

If your not with a union you should ring Acas for advice because your manager is not protecting you.Don't be afraid. Stand your ground. When Acas contacts them about this issue you will see how they will change their tune. I am not with a union and when I had an issue at work my manager tried to bully me. When I told them I was in contact with Acas all of a sudden they were nicey nicey. They realised I was not going to back down.

And another thing... that pervy guy has no business telling you where to eat your lunch.Who does he think he is. He's not your manager. He's trying to tell you what to do and to control you. It's not on. He's nobody to you. Don't tell him anything about your life in future. He can't be trusted. Block him on WhatsApp, IG and anywhere else where he can get access to your personal information. He can't be trusted. Keep yourself safe. x

SociopathicGorilla · 21/02/2025 19:24

Did you complain to your manager in person or email? I think you now need to make a formal complaint.

DysmalRadius · 22/02/2025 13:44

If you haven't got the 'advice' (makes me rage to even type that in snarky quotes) to handle the inappropriate behaviour yourself in writing, then I would email your manger to get them to put that shitty, lazy, fuck witted cop-out in writing.

I have caught out all sorts of utterly cunty behaviour like this because people will say all kinds of stuff in person, but most aren't stupid enough to put it in writing.

Something like 'I just wanted to clarify your position re the unwanted sexual attention from Dick Splat, that I reported to you on (date).

You said in our meeting that you were only concerned with the impact on my workload of his frequent visits to my desk and that would be the limit of your involvement in the issue.

I reported that Dick Splat makes sexually suggestive remarks, makes references to his penis, and asks intrusive questions about my personal life, and I believe your suggestion was that I deal with these myself. Is that correct?'

Either they confirm your understanding in a huge own-goal that you can use to take them to the cleaners, or they will have to commit to doing something about it, creating a paper trail you can hold them to if they don't take any action.

Nessastats · 22/02/2025 17:34

DysmalRadius · 22/02/2025 13:44

If you haven't got the 'advice' (makes me rage to even type that in snarky quotes) to handle the inappropriate behaviour yourself in writing, then I would email your manger to get them to put that shitty, lazy, fuck witted cop-out in writing.

I have caught out all sorts of utterly cunty behaviour like this because people will say all kinds of stuff in person, but most aren't stupid enough to put it in writing.

Something like 'I just wanted to clarify your position re the unwanted sexual attention from Dick Splat, that I reported to you on (date).

You said in our meeting that you were only concerned with the impact on my workload of his frequent visits to my desk and that would be the limit of your involvement in the issue.

I reported that Dick Splat makes sexually suggestive remarks, makes references to his penis, and asks intrusive questions about my personal life, and I believe your suggestion was that I deal with these myself. Is that correct?'

Either they confirm your understanding in a huge own-goal that you can use to take them to the cleaners, or they will have to commit to doing something about it, creating a paper trail you can hold them to if they don't take any action.

Absolutely yes to this.

He will backtrack so fast!

Bonnylassie · 23/02/2025 08:31

OP I work in HR, all companies should have a very clear sexual harassment policy, the legislation was updated recently. I would be horrified if one of my managers had dealt with your unofficial complaint the way your manager has. Please escalate this on Monday. If you read your sexual harassment policy it should tell you how you can report this confidentially and directly to HR, you don't have to go through the official channels of raising a grievance or speaking to your line manager again. The law is very clear on how we deal with any sexual harassment in the workplace. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

ScupperedbytheSea · 23/02/2025 09:26

DysmalRadius · 22/02/2025 13:44

If you haven't got the 'advice' (makes me rage to even type that in snarky quotes) to handle the inappropriate behaviour yourself in writing, then I would email your manger to get them to put that shitty, lazy, fuck witted cop-out in writing.

I have caught out all sorts of utterly cunty behaviour like this because people will say all kinds of stuff in person, but most aren't stupid enough to put it in writing.

Something like 'I just wanted to clarify your position re the unwanted sexual attention from Dick Splat, that I reported to you on (date).

You said in our meeting that you were only concerned with the impact on my workload of his frequent visits to my desk and that would be the limit of your involvement in the issue.

I reported that Dick Splat makes sexually suggestive remarks, makes references to his penis, and asks intrusive questions about my personal life, and I believe your suggestion was that I deal with these myself. Is that correct?'

Either they confirm your understanding in a huge own-goal that you can use to take them to the cleaners, or they will have to commit to doing something about it, creating a paper trail you can hold them to if they don't take any action.

This is fucking great, and exactly what you should do.

BigBlueRhino · 23/02/2025 10:25

Can't you take this pest on a grievance?

Original poster
Nina7648 · 24/02/2025 09:08

Hi thanks for all the comments, I tried to relax over the weekend, it didn't work.

Basically I did raise this with my manager in person, but he showed me the email that he sent to Dick Splats (love it) boss. It didn't include anything about the sexual comments. Just that he was hanging around when I was busy and distracting me from my work. I DO think something was said to him but I don't think it was anything that serious. He's away on his holiday now so I'm going to take the advice here and put it in an email, including the sexual remarks because I'm not going through this again when he comes back.

Thanks for all the advice. I feel I can breathe a little more with him out of the way and at least if I do send anything I don't need to worry about any anger coming my way as he's not here.

OP posts:
whatapalarva · 24/02/2025 09:50

I am glad you have got a bit of breathing space without the risk of being put on the spot with a 'visit'. Did you mention the other inappropriate comments to your boss and he has conveniently omitted to refer to them or was it only about the wasting your time you reported him for?

Namechangetheyarewatching · 24/02/2025 10:05

And don't let them say your work is affected by it.

You are working just as efficient, he is being sexually inappropriate and harassing you.

Asswholes · 24/02/2025 11:30

Nina7648 · 24/02/2025 09:08

Hi thanks for all the comments, I tried to relax over the weekend, it didn't work.

Basically I did raise this with my manager in person, but he showed me the email that he sent to Dick Splats (love it) boss. It didn't include anything about the sexual comments. Just that he was hanging around when I was busy and distracting me from my work. I DO think something was said to him but I don't think it was anything that serious. He's away on his holiday now so I'm going to take the advice here and put it in an email, including the sexual remarks because I'm not going through this again when he comes back.

Thanks for all the advice. I feel I can breathe a little more with him out of the way and at least if I do send anything I don't need to worry about any anger coming my way as he's not here.

Good for you. Have a paper trail. I would ensure that on the email you are very clear that you reported numerous incidents ofr sexual harrassment verbally to your mananger on x date and request that you need reassurance about what was done / will be done to ensure your safety in the workplace from this individual.

You manager is negligent now - is there any likelyhood he will deny that you verbally reported the SH to him? Have you discussed this with another colleague - would they back you up if he denys it? At the end of the day you have a logg from this thread written in real time which confirms it.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 24/02/2025 11:53

I hope you will mention too that, since supposedly receiving the email and just before he went on holiday, he was back doing the same thing and when you questioned him and asked him to go, he smirked and denied having heard anything about the matter and then referred to you as darling in an over familiar way.

pikkumyy77 · 24/02/2025 12:44

Outrageous if your manager to suppress the real complaint of sexual harassment and to turn it into a problem you are having with work flow. What an absolutely shitty thing to do.

BIWI · 24/02/2025 14:55

If he comes over to you again, have your phone ready on your desk to record everything he says.

(No idea if that's really legal, but then - neither is his behaviour)

User452023 · 24/02/2025 19:26

If you're asked why you didn't report this before I would tell them them that at first I was uncertain about whether it's something I should report but it has now become a pattern of behaviour which has left me feeling embarrassed and upset.

If you hasve to attend a meeting see if you can bring someone like a friend or a colleague to support you.

RawBloomers · 24/02/2025 19:27

BIWI · 24/02/2025 14:55

If he comes over to you again, have your phone ready on your desk to record everything he says.

(No idea if that's really legal, but then - neither is his behaviour)

There's nothing illegal about recording a conversation. It may be a problem to publish the recording if the recordee had a reasonable expectation of privacy and it may not be accepted as evidence by a court (more because it's hard to prove who is really speaking on a voice recording).

Original poster
Nina7648 · 26/02/2025 14:04

I'm done here. He's back and he came strolling in today like nothing had happened. I was so shocked something came out of my mouth for once and I said 'Look I can't talk I have already explained that I will be in bother with my boss'. He practically ignored that and said 'Well we must do lunch someday'. I'm starting to think he's mentally ill.

I said 'Look my boyfriend has started to pick up on my uneasiness and I won't be able to have lunch with you please let me get back to work here'.

Instead of leaving he says ' Hang on I am off for a deep purple. Apparently this means a poo. Talk like that turns my stomach. I'm in a really sensitive mood today as saw the ex yesterday and it has thrown me. Just feel like crying screaming punching a wall, so his timing in a way couldn't have been better. I am just so shocked he came back, but I think I finally have something solid to go on now for the rest of my email. I can tell my boss I am sick to death of this once and for all and if he doesn't take action, I will be taking it further.

OP posts:
whatapalarva · 26/02/2025 14:21

Wow, thats obvious then that he has no idea what a nuisance and a d**k he is. totally inappropriate. Did you get the conduct and complaints policies from HR?

TheZingyFish · 26/02/2025 14:25

Did you send an email to boss outlining the sexual harassment previously and ask what the company was doing to safeguard you? I would be forwarding that email back to your boss and copy in HR this time, detailing the latest behaviour and how you are feeling. I would also request a meeting with both HR and your boss to discuss this formally.

Asswholes · 26/02/2025 14:37

TheZingyFish · 26/02/2025 14:25

Did you send an email to boss outlining the sexual harassment previously and ask what the company was doing to safeguard you? I would be forwarding that email back to your boss and copy in HR this time, detailing the latest behaviour and how you are feeling. I would also request a meeting with both HR and your boss to discuss this formally.

Agree - thss needs to go above your boss now - that ball has ben in their court - its been going on far to long - and their inaction has led to further avoidabel sexual harrassment.

Please escalate asap. No need to endure this treatment and be unprotected in the workplace.

BigBlueRhino · 26/02/2025 14:44

Nina7648 · 26/02/2025 14:04

I'm done here. He's back and he came strolling in today like nothing had happened. I was so shocked something came out of my mouth for once and I said 'Look I can't talk I have already explained that I will be in bother with my boss'. He practically ignored that and said 'Well we must do lunch someday'. I'm starting to think he's mentally ill.

I said 'Look my boyfriend has started to pick up on my uneasiness and I won't be able to have lunch with you please let me get back to work here'.

Instead of leaving he says ' Hang on I am off for a deep purple. Apparently this means a poo. Talk like that turns my stomach. I'm in a really sensitive mood today as saw the ex yesterday and it has thrown me. Just feel like crying screaming punching a wall, so his timing in a way couldn't have been better. I am just so shocked he came back, but I think I finally have something solid to go on now for the rest of my email. I can tell my boss I am sick to death of this once and for all and if he doesn't take action, I will be taking it further.

You need to take this man on a formal grievance for bullying and sexual harassment. Why won't you do it ? Stand up for yourself because no one else is going to .

Original poster
Nina7648 · 26/02/2025 14:54

BigBlueRhino · 26/02/2025 14:44

You need to take this man on a formal grievance for bullying and sexual harassment. Why won't you do it ? Stand up for yourself because no one else is going to .

Show quote history

Because as previously explained after my last relationship I'm in a constant state of self doubt. But I am ready now I think. I'm actually really angry. As he left he even said 'I'll be in touch'.

WHAT?!

OP posts:
BIWI · 26/02/2025 14:56

I do understand your situation, and self-doubt. But this thread has been running since 7 February and you've been given lots of good (and consistent) advice. Why are you not acting on any of it?

BleepingBleepy · 26/02/2025 15:01

Nina7648 · 26/02/2025 14:54

Because as previously explained after my last relationship I'm in a constant state of self doubt. But I am ready now I think. I'm actually really angry. As he left he even said 'I'll be in touch'.

WHAT?!

Show quote history

Good that you're ready now. Use your anger - not just at this man but at your boss who has been completely remiss in his responsibilities. They have a duty to act when you say you are being sexually harassed by a colleague. He obviously felt awkward about that and so tried to palm it off as your responsibility to stop. Get angry. Record the guy on your phone voice recorder if he comes in so you've evidence of what he's saying. Leave a paper trail when emailing HR and your manager so you've evidence that you told them.

Original poster
Nina7648 · 26/02/2025 15:03

BIWI · 26/02/2025 14:56

I do understand your situation, and self-doubt. But this thread has been running since 7 February and you've been given lots of good (and consistent) advice. Why are you not acting on any of it?

I didn't realise there was a time limit!

I've met with my boss, who has met with his boss, I've emailed my boss again and copied in HR... this interaction only happened today, while I was waiting on a reponse (since Monday this week). I was just sounding off in my last post, sorry to have bothered you :(

OP posts:
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