Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

Yes it is. I think the previous relationship has caused me SO MUCH damage that I wasn't aware of until I was out of it. That man was so on and off and every single thing I did, even out of love, was deemed either not good enough, or worse TOO MUCH. I wasn't enough because of my nationality, shape, size, I was too clingy, too loving, he didn't understand why I loved 'him'. Every single thing I did 'freaked him out' even if I bought him a small gift. So yes my head is all over the place and I interpreted that as 'you have to be a bitch to be loved'. I know that is messed up, I know that, but that's what I believe now. I can't (sorry nearly crying) understand why being a nice kind and devoted girlfriend is met with ABUSE. Sorry away down the rabbit hole again - apologies.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

I can't (sorry nearly crying) understand why being a nice kind and devoted girlfriend is met with ABUSE.

Because he was an abuser.

Don't apologise, you are going through a lot of self reflection because of this man. In some way, his behaviour may make you see (with help from your therapist) that's its not you, its him/them. Please don't change from being the sociable, nice friendly person you so clearly are because of this awful man/men. Its like grooming in a way, so subtly done to doubt yourself. Being assertive is not in everyone's nature and I suspect the majority of your relationships with friends you are not taken advantage of?

Abusers abuse people. It’s what they do. Some people have better shark cages than others (a concept to which you were introduced earlier) and don’t let them get too close. Some people, through no fault of their own, do not. It’s nothing to do with niceness and/or goodness. Predators prey. They don’t really love anyone.

Additionally, we need to stop dressing poor boundaries and low self esteem up as virtues. Not standing up for yourself isn’t being nice. It’s isn’t being kind. It’s a trauma response.

This all seems to have reopened old wounds for you. I’m very sorry. I hope you’re able to gain some clarity and relief from therapy.

With regards to this, I’d honestly go on sick leave and contact ACAS.

You have spiraled into a frenzy of self doubt.
It's your nature to be friendly, that's lovely. But once someone takes advantage, or in this case, is harassing you, then you need to put barriers in place?
You have started by ignoring him,
You can say, "Oh for Fucks sake Roger, Go away."
or "Does your wife know you are harassing females at work ?".
It is not being a "Bitch", it is Keeping yourself safe where the former backing off actions have been ignored.

Thank you. Many years ago before I had my last relationship, a man at work started showing me a lot of attention which really did cross the line into something else. Trouble was I really really liked him and started to fall for him. As soon as I opened up and said I was interested, he said 'oh we are just friends who flirt'. It turned out he had a partner for a year and a half, while telling me I was his dream woman. :( So maybe there is an inbuilt radar in there - maybe all people have it, to sense when something isn't right.

He hasn't been back today again so I'm guessing his manager isn't telling me the truth.

Well Great, Lets hope it lasts.
Just be vigilant if he approaches you when you are outside. leaving work or whatever.
Tell him to "Go Away". No small talk.
Go straight to a place where there are other people. & tell them you are being harassed by a stranger. Call the Police.
Report to your work.

Read all your posts op but not anyone else's.

As you already know this is serious sexual harassment. Someone must have warned him off to not be bothering you today. If his manager thinks it's appropriate to just ignore such serious allegations because dickhead is going on holiday then there's an even bigger problem in your company than you thought. It should have been addressed right there and then. Are work aware of your adhd diagnosis?

Can you go back and put together a diary of everything he's done with dates as much as you can remember? You may need it for evidence. Record how it made you feel as well.

He's picked on you because he's sensed that you're vulnerable on multiple fronts. I was harassed when pregnant for example.

Putting in a grievance would not be an overreaction. Taking a day off sick tomorrow would not be an overreaction. You're in flight or fight mode, and you're not going to feel safe at work knowing he might pop his stupid head in at any point.

You did not cause this, you did not encourage this, you have not led him on, it is not your fault.

I found that being harassed was incredibly confusing as someone with (as then undiagnosed adhd.) you spend your whole life masking, trying to work out social behaviour and how to react to neurotypicals so it can be incredibly destabilising and hard to deal with when someone does something outside of those social norms. If you're isolated, as you are, you've got no outside perspective and you feel like "well all he did was make this slightly off comment, i can't ruin his career over that". But it's not one comment. It's 50 examples of "just one comment" or "just one look" or "standing too close" or "just one hug". You feel like nobody else can see what's going on so it must be you that's the problem.

It's not you, it's him, and if the managers don't deal with it, do escalate to HR and put in a grievance if you need to.

You've got this. Look at what you've come through so far as an undiagnosed adhd woman getting yourself out of a harmful relationship. This arsehole is small fry - you've got every right to stand up for yourself, don't let the self doubt get you.

I really appreciate this thanks for taking the time to write all that! Pretty much everything you've said is accurate and I do feel there is a massive gap there with me trying to work things out :( I'm guessing he's really mad at me now which makes me uneasy, but sadly because I'd never really want to hurt anyone. I feel stupid saying that but I do really struggle with that.

I do think abusers purposefully 'attract' certain types of people.. They are looking for people who they feel will put up least resistance to their abuse. We all know abusers don't start off being abusive, they are clever and do this gradually over time, otherwise no one will want to know them.

I also feel that instead of heeding red flags, some of us keep abusive people in our lives instead of cutting them off at the first signs of abuse. We tend to give them the benefit of the doubt or make excuses so in this sense it could said that we 'attract' abusers.

You feeling like you've done something wrong is your trauma and very likely also your ADHD (could tie into rejection sensitivity disorder - part of which is feeling unable to cope with pissing people off, standing up for yourself or feeling like someone will be even a little bit upset with you. This is me, so i found putting in a grievance was incredibly difficult but i did it and this arsehole never spoke to me again).

If you're only recently diagnosed, i wanna say that it took me two years to work out all of the ways that ADHD affects me and has shaped who i am. Once I've understood it, I've been able to come up with healthier coping mechanisms but you're on the right path now too have all this self discovery and growth. Therapy has helped me a lot to unpick all the damage that not being diagnosed until i was late 30s has done to me.

If you're worried at work, do you have a friend you can ring to come to your office if he does show up?

All the people saying just tell him to fuck off - it's not as easy as that when you're a scared, overwhelmed neurodivergent woman in an isolated place with a man who you know is pissed at you. There's flight or fight but there's also fawn and freeze and so far you've been fawning which is a defence mechanism. Get support from wherever you can. Id let a trusted friend know that if you call them can they please come to your office. Like a human shield. It's ok to ask for help, even if you think those people might think you're overreacting.

Being assertive is not being a bitch. And you do not have to put up with unwanted attention or harassment from anyone simply because you are scared of hurting their feelings. They are not scared of riding roughshod all over yours. Put your own feelings first. There is nothing wrong with doing that at all.

OP you need to be kinder to yourself and shift focus. At present your posts are mostly about how this situation will affect him, how he may not may not feel, etc.

Where are you in all this?

You are the one bombarded with unwanted and unpleasant attention.

You are the one with time taken out of your work day.

You are the one whose work performance is affected.

You are the one suffering.

He isn't suffering and even when he is told to stop it, he won't be suffering either because he should just have got on with his own job in the first place.

You deserve better, not just from your managers and workplace in general but from yourself too. He and his feelings are not important, you are.

As another PP said, he's bullying you using SA, he can absolutely choose to not do that, no one is making him, it's not his job. He is having fun at your expense. It will be easy for him to stop doing it, it won't affect his day, he could just get on with his job. This has all been his choice not yours, he is the architect of anything that happens to him from now on, not you.

He will have absolutely no reason to be angry or upset with you over any of this, he has every reason to be angry and upset with himself because the only person who put him in this position is him, not you.

The issue he has - not you - is that he was going along quite nicely pestering you and now, because you've quite rightly had enough, he's been told he has to change. At this point there is going to be pushback - he won't be happy, his manager no doubt knows he's a total dick and has to now deal with him so is trying to minimise it, there's possibly a bit of misogyny in there along the lines of why can't I just have a nice time pestering this woman she's so mean to stop me....

but - You have done the right thing. You've stood up for yourself.

yes it will feel icky and strange and you might feel guilty and bad but fuck him, he should have behaved himself, and this is a situation he has created. Not you. You are just trying to do your job.

Ride it through, look after yourself, talk it through with your therapist, give yourself a lovely weekend to decompress, move your body as that will help you move the uncomfortable feelings.

Thanks so much. Ick and strange is the right way to put it, and now my overthinking brain is hoping he doesn't start some sort of smear campaign amongst my colleagues.

To answer the person who asked me if I have a colleague who can pop down, yes I do but the issue is he then stands while she is here too. And she can't always get away. I do feel like a bit of a bitch I have to be honest. I'm sure he is wondering 'why now after so many months?'

OP, you really REALLY need to get out of this mindset where you think you are a 'bitch' because you've had enough of being sexually harassed in the workplace.
If one of your friends came to you with this exact scenario you wouldn't accuse them of being a bitch would you??

No I wouldn't. Can I just ask what 'SA' means?

Also is it still sexual harrassment if it is constant unwanted attention with just subtle sexual comments thrown in? It doesn't have to be really blatant?

Why wouldn’t that be sexual harassment? It’s harassment and it’s sexual.

Thank you. It's just so subtle, like the odd comment about 'cumming' and his 'dick' etc.

Yes, that is sexual harassment.

At it's most basic level its sexual harassment if he's doing it because you're a woman. If he's not doing it to any men then it's sexual harassment because the difference is your sex.

With calling a friend to the office, it's about getting another human on your side into the room to address the power imbalance. Could she come to your office then you go for a coffee break together to get away from him? By the time you get back 5 minutes later he would hopefully have gone. I mean the answer would have been for your work to take it seriously and pull him up on this immediately if you feel so unsafe that the idea of a human shield is appealing. That shows how badly wrong the workplace has gone.

The idea is to make you feel safer because he's less likely to cause a scene in front of other people. As long as the friend is on board - id happily do this for any colleague even if i didn't know her or like her very much.

The alternative is taking sick leave for stress which is also a viable option.

@Nina7648

Thank you. It's just so subtle, like the odd comment about 'cumming' and his 'dick' etc.

If you think those comments are subtle, I hate to think what you would consider blatant!

Not to make fun of you, but just to point out that your perspective on this is definitely 'off'. This man is harassing you.

You have done nothing wrong. He has.

OP that's disgusting; nothing subtle about it!! If I were you I'd be f*cking livid, and made sure he knew it, even if I had to chase him out of the office! How dare he invade your space, making vile comments, it's time for you to think of your own wellbeing and forget about what happens to this loser, because that's what he is, harassing you at work. Please find your anger and stand up for yourself. I was like you when I was a lot younger, after being brought up to be polite etc, while out in the real world women were being harassed and subject to sexism by men who lived their lives as they wanted, while women worried about offending them. You need to get tough and advocate for yourself!

Here you go - definition of sexual harassment in the workplace - have you reported this part of his behaviour to your manager?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-65311346

Thank you, I didn't know the sexual jokes constituted it at all. Where I used to work, this was part of daily life. I even had a colleague send me a dick pic and when I told my manager, she laughed and said 'sure they all do that'. So I have NO idea what to do when it's on a more 'subtle' level like I say.

His holiday starts today so not sure if he will appear. @Dragonfly97 maybe I did just reach the point that enough was enough, which is why it's taken so long to raise.

My manager told me I had to deal with the inappropriate comments myself :(