Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

He’s taking advantage of your good nature, politeness and trying to ‘be nice’. He is not being nice. He is targeting you because he thinks you’re vulnerable and is possibly angling for some sort of affair or special ‘work wifey’ friendship. There are a number of things you need to do. Firstly, if you don’t want to tell him straight to leave you alone, you need to tell your line manager so they can tell his line manager who will need to deal with it. If that doesn’t work you will need to go to HR.

Ideally, you could tell him to back off first - tell him you’re too busy, wear headphones, leave your desk and go somewhere else when he comes over, say ‘I need to get on with this work so I’ll let you go’. Tell him to visit less often because you’d rather be left alone to do your job. Tell him you are uncomfortable with hugging colleagues. Push back. Be less available. If he’s doing this to you he’s likely done it to other women and likely has a reputation for being a bit of a creep.

If you don’t feel up to confronting him directly could toy perhaps raise it with your manager to address?

Do not stand for his behaviour- it is completely unacceptable.

I love using the line ‘Im going to have to let you get on, I’m busy working on xxx and need to really focus….bye see u tomorrow’ if he responds don’t let him finish his sentence, interrupt him …please I need to focus and I can’t do that with you chatting…bye
it basically the same as saying …duck right off

he knows exactly what he’s doing! Slimy c

The other posters have it spot on, he is a pervy creep who is trying his luck.
Stop being nice and polite to him. I would consider reporting his calls and texts outside of work hours to HR as well, so his line manager can have an informal conversation with him.

I have a small plaque that I picked up last year when I was on holiday. It reads:

PISS OFF
I'M BUSY

So maybe get something like a 'do not disturb' sign and prop it up somewhere prominent. Either that, or mention to your boss that this person keeps interrupting you, and could they keep an eye open for it, and maybe they could take it up with the colleague concerned.

Others have posted great advice but I just wanted to say don't doubt yourself. Clearly you've been through a lot but you're not wrong in this situation and in any case you have every right in the world to define your boundaries and enforce them. Don't let anyone tell you you're being over sensitive or any other nonsense. Your boundaries are your own.

But this guy is definitely a creep.

Hi. I am irritated just reading this, especially the hug! He needs to get to fuck right now!

But how to play it?

I reckon I'd tell my boss, including the bit about the hug, and the boss can tell him there and then to stop it.

How does it feel to think about doing that? Do you feel worried about how he would behave towards you thereafter?

The thing is, your being a survivor of trauma has made you soft and malleable and he has seen this and taken advantage. He is the bad guy. It is OK to say that to him. To have him know it is the case. It is OK to not say anything to him and have him go a different way around, to avoid you. He shouldn't be behaving this way. I'd really want your boss to be ringing and checking on you too tbh, and the colleagues - do you have many other colleagues?

Mmm, bet he gets that 'bloody women' face on when he gets told no.

Tell your boss, they can support you with sorting this out. I would have no issue with telling someone to get lost if one of my team felt harrassed.

Don't engage - 'Sorry, can't chat I'm busy' don't make eye contact and keep doing what your doing. If he continues to talk at you repeat it. If necessary ramp it up 'sorry, is there something in particular you need because I have to get this done. No? ok, bye then'

You can correctly judge situations and you are, he is being a tosser and I would shut him down. You don't have to justify yourself to him. He can be as stroppy as he likes, all of it is his problem and not yours.
I get why it makes you feel uncomfortable but you are not wrong.

Reading this Op, you sound vulnerable and he is targeting you in a creepy way, and asking for a hug and then being overly touchy is so far past the boundary of being acceptable at work. He may be aware of this and is relying on you not standing up for yourself. He's certainly being very inappropriate and it doesn't matter how funny he can be or whatever, you don't have to stand up for him in any way or try to minimise it. Your biggest priority is to look after your own safety and wellbeing.
Speak to HR. Look after yourself. And, perhaps, maybe some counselling, it sounds like you've been through an awful lot and some support might help, as well as time.

He is totally harassing you, and sexual harassment at that.

Report to your boss

You are not the problem here, how many times has this happened to me? A few, and it’s always the men that are a decade or so older. I hate almost all men so I'm probably not best placed to answer but at the very least this man is stealing a living! He should be at his own work station! I wish that you would you would say ‘I’m a little busy at the moment.’ or ‘that’s highly inappropriate.’ But once you’ve let it slide I can see how it is hard to do it. I would also struggle but he really does deserve to be embarrassed / reprimanded. Too many men have taken advantage of our politeness to serve their own needs. Is your boss approachable? If so, could you maybe ask them to drop by and make a comment to the colleague that they should be working? I had a female colleague that used to make a nuisance of herself, taking all my time up and generally taking the piss (should have been working) by complete chance our boss came into our office and asked her what ah was doing and why she wasn’t working - I was ecstatic! But also a little ashamed that I hadn’t told her to go away myself but some of us have been moulded into polite, friendly ‘girls’ that are now open to abuse quite frankly.

Edited to add: this is harassment and most likely HR should do something but it’s a difficult step to take especially when you’re vulnerable so my suggestion was one to try and shake him off without it feeling like it’s you that’s had to tell him.

OP, you sound very vulnerable to harassment. You're obviously someone who struggles to put boundaries up and finds confrontation/assertiveness difficult. And he knows that. He's a creep who is hanging around you because he knows he can get away with it.

Obviously when it's a work situation you can't exactly just say 'Fuck off and leave me alone, you god-awful cunt' but what you can do is speak to your boss and explain that this is a problem and that you feel like you're being harassed because he literally will not leave you alone, and that this is not only impacting on your job but also making you feel very uncomfortable. The sexual innuendo and the comments about 'bloody women' are totally inappropriate - and the ASKING FOR HUGS AT WORK?! Surely, surely you must see that this is absolutely terrible behaviour and that you are being sexually harassed?

The phone call when you were on holiday is also entirely inappropriate. How does he even have your personal number? Did he make you give it to him? Has he got it from someone else? It's all dodgy as fuck and you need to have a serious chat with your boss, or his boss, or your HR team if you have one, because none of this is remotely OK.

Aside from all that, if he's hanging around you for 30 minutes at a time, he also isn't doing his job properly, the lazy shit.

He is so inappropriate it makes my teeth itch!
Headphones on and ignore him. If he stands there, let him but ignore him. Don't talk to him at all. If he persists, turn and say "I'm too busy to chat. Bye" and turn back. Continue to ignore. Block him on your phone. He has no need to have your number. If he makes suggestive comments, you could ignore them if you struggle with being blunt. Or tell him it's inappropriate and to stop. Do not get into an argument with him about why you are changing the boundaries. He will use anything to keep his pervy attitude going. Definitely speak to your boss if they are likely to be supportive.

Pop a pair of wireless headphones phones in and when he drops by signal that you are busy on a call. Or give him 30 seconds and then jump up and excuse yourself for a (looong) trip to the bathroom. You could also be more direct of course but so so difficult to achieve desired results diplomatically with this kind of office twat.

Your instinct is screaming 'this is making me feel uncomfortable' and that is all you need to know but because of your history of abuse in relationships you are doubting yourself.

The 'coming" comment alone is a huge red flag unless you both indulge in silly banter, but you clearly do not.

It's very hard to change behaviour after the boundary-crosser has got used to you allowing them to violate your boundaries but there is only one to find out if this person is capable of respecting your new boundaries - by testing it out. If he gets shitty, you will see it for yourself very clearly (and therefore you are well rid) and if he does respect them, then that's a win for you too.

It's hard but you've got to try it. Make a small change - "can't talk now, I'm really really busy" and remember do NOT apologise because you have nothing to apologise for.

Just spit it out!
Some people don't pick up on hints.

Just say I'm so busy here can I give you a shout later. Then don't.
If he comes back, sorry I'm not finished the talk, I'll catch you tomo, until he gets it.

Hugs, if you're not comfortable, don't do it, don't lie about cameras tho- that's on you!
Sorry no, I don't like hugs.

He doesn't know, because you aren't telling him!!

Thanks ever so much for the replies everyone and thank you for taking me seriously. Sorry for not replying sooner, I wasn't well the past few days.

I've decided to have a word with my boss. I'm going home in the evenings completely exhausted and I think it's partly because so much of my energy is going towards this - I'm having to talk constantly to him when I'm really not a talker, need space and resent this, but I'm being polite to keep the peace.

My boss is very approachable so hopefully he can suggest something. If it doesn't work I will try to do it myself, even if it means telling him that my boss has noticed now and that I'm on the verge of getting into trouble over it, so if the visits could be knocked on the head. How does that sound?

When you tell your boss don't go into any personal stuff, tell him that this man is interrupting you and your work flow and is inappropriate and he needs to do something to keep him away from your work station without putting your safety at risk.

Have examples of the inappropriate behaviour and tell him that you feel uneasy about his attentions. And he needs to make arrangements to keep you safe.

Definitely talk to your boss. But also dial down the engagement - Hey, I'm busy today. Give him a minute and then say, 'Anyway, gotta get on with it, deadlines looming.' And turn back to your work. Be a bit distracted, a bit rude.

If he shows displeasure or any kind of complaint, act confused - What do you mean? I just told you I'm busy. I'm at work.

He can't actually do anything to you. There's part of you that may well be in fawning mode because on some level your intuition is telling you he's unsafe, but he can't demand your attention and if he doesn't get it there's nothing he can do.

Good luck!

Wear headphones, say you're too busy. Do it every single time

Something similar happened to me when I was really vulnerable, and men like this spot it a mile off. I’m really angry for you that he’s harassing you like this. He knows you don’t want to talk to him or hug him. He’s bullying you.

Can you be moved closer to your boss?

Why are you putting up with this? Why has he got your number?

"Dave, I appreciate you're just being friendly but I'm really busy. Could you shut the door on your way out? Thanks."

Block his number. If he carries on, make a complaint to your manager.

I can't even remember - I think he had asked me to text him something well over a year ago. Didn't expect him to still have my number. It's not right, I'm sitting quaking in my boots. My boss is off today unexpectedly and I'm sure he will be due for a visit at any minute!!!!

Good, your boss is off, perfect excuse to be mega busy, rush rush rush, can’t stop to talk etc.

loads to do as boss not in, sorry can’t talk etc
and repeat til he buggers off.