Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

Thank you for this. I find things like this excrutiatingly difficult.

I will have a talk with myself. Thank you. I might just add in, I am being watched on camera which I didn't realise so need to focus on my work.

I doubt that anyone is going to hold you responsible as you are not.

Just be honest and say that due to past relationship and workplaces that at first it did not seem abusive but it has escalated and on reflection you now know that it was inappropriate from the start.

You are not to blame in this at all. Quite honestly if he was coming to your desk as often as he did particularly when your boss was there then he should have picked up on it.

I would just practice something non verbal as well as something verbal.

If he comes to your desk just hold your hand up, palm facing him and then point away to his own office. Make a shooing motion if he pretends not to get it. You can also say “Not now, Bob, I am busy. Put your requests in an email to my manager.” If he keeps standing there time him and call your manager.

Off to look it up thank you! I think that's the issue - I never trust my own instincts and think I'm being impatient or unreasonable and then I reach a point, usually when it's too late, where I just snap. I have ADHD (just recently diagnosed) and I CANNOT handle over stimulation or my space being invaded to this degree. But my brain goes through so many what ifs on the run up to taking action that by the time I take the action it's almost too late. I think what really highlighted the problem for me was not only the inappropriate comments, but the anger I felt he displayed when I told him I was going out the night before Valentines. I didn't imagine that - it read like total jealousy even though I was going out with female friends. And I admit when I have liked someone in the past I have felt jealousy of the same kind so that's when I knew this is more than just a question. And the 'why have you got food at your desk?' etc - none of your bloody business mate!

So it did take me a while to catch on if I'm honest. Maybe this book will help me!

I would seriously consider moving your desk too as you seem quite isolated. Can you sit in the same area as your boss? Or another team? If you're the only one doing your job then you should be able to do it anywhere.

And I second the stock sentence. "I can't talk to you now, I'm busy' Repeat. Repeat.

Practice in front of a mirror. Add a 'mum' look. Purse lips, raise an eyebrow and tilt head.

Failing that stand up and say 'which part of I'm busy do you not understand?'.....

Thank you, I am hopefully moving in the next 6 months or so to a more sociable part of the building. I don't mind my own company though.

I just read this which fits perfectly

Trauma says: If I am a good person, I should be more tolerant of things'

Healing says: We need to stop associating goodness with how much we are willing to tolerate in silence. You can still be a good person and say 'Hey I'm not ok with this'.

You are a good person. You just need to (and I mean this nicely) find your grrr. Tell him you don't want to talk and to leave you alone. Repeat.

He sounds like an utter bellend and men like that are usually all piss and no vinegar. You can do this!

(If you're in the South West, dm me and I'll bloody tell him!! My mum look can bring a grown man to his knees..)

Maybe look at this as a 'gift' for personal development.

Look back at how this played out - examine how your felt (not how you thought) - then consider how you will do it differently next time = your new boundary.

You wont actually do much different - just take the same actions sooner - you can be assertive, firm and polite - choose a stock phrase - to rinse and repeat twice. Then if nothing happens do something physical / take action -move away, report him, get on your phone etc.

You have come a long way this week. Be proud and be looking out for further opportunities to practice your new found stance (and guess what once you have set that stance you will get less bother just from the way you hold yourself)

Now that he has been told he will hopefully stay away. If he tries to come into your office or engage with you pick up your phone, say "I'm calling my manager" and then do call your manager, even if he immediately leaves.

Yes, call your manager straight away. Have a second person to call if your manager is away.

I don’t think he will aproach you. What he’s done is serious and he wont want to lose his job. He can deny he’s said disgusting things to you but he cannot deny how much time he has wasted hanging around your desk because it’s on cctv.

The cctv is probably quite revealing with him posturing around your desk and you looking uncomfortable.

Ideally, it would be great if you could move but is there anyway to screen off your area so it is blocked off so he cannot stop when passing. Some kind of temporary cubicle and that he is told that he cannot enter.

Do you have to do any work for him?

I have only just seen this post and firstly want to say how proud of you I am (seems silly when I don't know you) but its women such as you who stand up to bullies that we need more of. Yes, you might feel its taken a while for you to realise that his behaviour is harassment at work - which is illegal - but you have done all the right things and firstly reported the issues to your boss. If the company have a documented policy on harassment in the workplace, or a conduct or similar policy then I would ask your HR department for a copy now. I have worked in male dominated environments for 30 years and there are too many men who would shrug off comments as 'banter' but you have subtly repeated the request to leave as you have work to do, which in itself it a request to leave you alone. Regardless of how this message is delivered, you have made it clear - and declined another hug - so this is evidence that he has ignored your request and been in breach of the law. I applaud you for your strength and he needs to jog on and learn some manners and the way to speak to women.

You are not!!!! You are the victim, you haven’t said anything inappropriate to him. Friendliness and politeness are not reasons to overstay your welcome and be inappropriate!

You will be okay. Even if he claims that you were to blame in some way (you aren’t) it will at least stop him bothering you which is the main thing.

OMG he's here again I can't believe this.

Get up and walk to your boss, or send an instant message to him.

Agreed - immediately contact your boss.

This is not acceptable.

what to apologise?! stay strong Nina7648 we're all behind you on this one. Stay yourself and be polite but firm.

Stay strong. Do not engage with any apologies etc. X, we are both being watched by out managers. Do not approach my workstation again.

OP, let your boss know ASAP

This. Get up and walk to your boss

I can see your past horrific exchange effected you badly and you now don’t know how to set reasonable boundaries.

You need to directly tell him that he is bothering you - that you are trying to work and don’t wish to speak to him.

If he persists you need to tell him to go away.

You also need to be really clear to your boss that you believe what he is doing is sexual harassment and you expect a solution that will mean he is no longer able to do this.

This may mean moving him to a different space, sacking him (ideal solution) or him being banned from speaking directly to you.

In fact as po has said - get up walk to your boss now and tell him you are being harassed.

What the actual fuck is wrong with him. Or has his own manager possibly not had the talk with him yet?

I used to have one like this (not nearly as bad as yours!), but very luckily I wasn’t so isolated. The people sitting around me (males) called him out before I did. I was trying to do all the hinting that I’m busy, being polite but closed in replies. It took people around me to go “hey fella, you’re really distracting, don’t you have work to do?”

Hopefully his manager has not spoken to him yet.

You also need to keep a document logging every time he approaches you, attempts to speak to you. Date, time, etc.

Yes your suspicions are correct. His manager isn't in today but has had a phonecall and an email with my manager. He left today saying 'see you tomorrow' and I didn't respond. I raised it with my boss that I was worried about any comeback and he said 'just tell him that I have noticed and that you are falling behind and need to concentrate on your work'.