Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

That is exactly the right response. Give him nothing. Once you change the dynamic, he'll be forced to change too. My heart bleeds for him.

How are things @Nina7648 ?

Have you feel able to take any action?

Are you getting any support?

Hi there it's getting very awkward. My boss is off this week and hadn't told me. But today I tried to stand up for myself as weird as it sounded. More sexual innuendos which I grey rocked (is that the term?!) I am here alone - another colleague said she would come over but must have got caught up in something. I think my instincts are now (I'm a bit slow!) spot on because a couple of things happened which he displayed visible annoyance bordering on anger at:

• I eat at my desk which he doesn't approve of and will get v annoyed when I do so even though I'm on my own. I told him 'this is MY space'. He actually said 'it's fcking food darlin, you shouldn't be eating at the desk'.
• I told him I might be off on Friday and he said 'why? Where are you going?' He said 'oh i likely won't see you until next week then...' which is FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. But the tone of his voice and his face went red. I'm not off on Friday it was a lie, I need to stop this!

But it's perfect because my boss will be back on Monday and I plan to chat to him then. I'm going to ask if he would mind being around at the time he keeps coming to the desk at and see if he could arrange to hang around. It's making me feel ill and my stomach is in knots.

I’d record his smut. Stop telling him anything.

Why are you telling him you're off on Friday when you aren't? Stop engaging with him, if you can't find it in you to tell him to fuck off, put your earphones in. And you need to tell your boss what is happening instead of hoping he's going to appear when the guy is in your office

I explained my boss is on holiday? I only said it because he started his conversation with 'I'm on a half day tomorrow, then off Thursday....' and he was about to say 'lunch on Friday' so I pre empted it best I could. Sorry I don't have that level of confidence yet :(

You're doing well to recognise the issue and now you have a plan to deal with this odious pick. He's overstepping in every way, so write down every incident that has made you uncomfortable and prepare thoroughly for your meeting with your boss.

Will do thank you. I think overlooking this type of behaviour in the past has led me to where I am now. I cannot recognise or pick up on a lot of things - not sure if I mentioned my recent ADHD diagnosis as well - and because of the previous environment I worked in where sexual content was an almost daily discussion, I was starting to take it as the norm. But I know that I am seriously fed up with men who have partners at home behaving like this. If I had a boyfriend and he was doing this at work I'd be devastated.

Your workplace should have a sexual harassment policy. Have a read of it.
Examples of sexual harassment include: Sexual comments or jokes (which may be referred to as banter; sexist jokes; intrusive questions about a persons sex life or discussing your own sex life; unwelcome touching, hugging, kissing.

Raise examples of this behaviour with your manager. Make it specific and give examples with dates and witnesses if possible.

Yikes. This really is harrassment :( I'm so naive.

Not really naïve, just sometimes we need to read something to understand what is going on in the office.
He has crossed the line and you are actually an unfortunate victim. .
The right thing to do is to report it to your boss or your HR department if you have one. In fact you need to email your boss today, if he is on holiday he will pick it up. If the guy picks anything up it could start getting nasty quickly.
Really sorry for the stress and pressure you are going through, it is totally unfair.

Thank you I really have been through enough and when it's getting to the point i am feeling sick and having to lie about what I'm doing, I know it's time to take action.

I don't think it's necessarily that you're naive - it's more that you've had awful experiences in the past that have conditioned you to think this sort of thing is normal. As well as working in some apparently appalling environments where you were led to believe that sexual harassment was the norm in workplaces, you mention in your first post that you've also just got out of an abusive/controlling relationship. I think your past experiences have just made you vulnerable and it's hard for you to see what normal boundaries are - that isn't your fault, but I think it is something you could think about working on, whether that's through counselling/therapy or through self-help books or something like that. You deserve so much better than to have people treating you like shit.

Thank you so much for saying this. I do feel that is the case. It's become my norm. I'm just not sure about being deserving of anything though as this always seems to happen to me, in one way or another. I'm never good enough for anything real, no matter how loving and caring I try to be.

I just wanted to send you

I've been where you are when i was young, and it made life very hard at work. How dare he make you feel this way - it's so unfair.

It took and older male colleague to see what was going on and he told him to leave me alone or he'd report him. Soon stopped.

'doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. '

You don't need to give him cues.

You tell him straight.

'Not now Trevor, I'm busy.'

'Trevor, I don't want to chat as I need to crack on with my work.'

If he persists then you say it very loudly, 'TREVOR, LEAVE ME BE. I DON'T WANT TO BE DISTURBED WHILST I AM WORKING!'

You'd think having been told off he'd get the hint what did you say to him?

I just stared at him I didn't speak. And then he stared back.

I have a total ick now, Friday is Valentine's Day. What if that is why he is angry?

Hes going to give you a Valentine's present of card. Refuse it.
Prepare a replique, like
"Are you taking the piss Trevor? There's never been any question of an attraction, you'll need to find another pash (big laugh). My boyfriend is going to Love this ...."

Yeah I'm working on the fake boyfriend since yesterday when he asked where are you going?? and looked so angry at the same time!

I'm never good enough for anything real, no matter how loving and caring I try to be.

Please do The Freedom Programme online. You really need to understand how relationships work. It's only when you know your worth and understand how to establish strong boundaries that you can then allow yourself to be loving and caring, but only with those who have earned it. There are many abusers out there and they can sniff out a vulnerable woman with weak boundaries and low self esteem a mile off. I can guarantee you are an amazing woman, but you have fallen into the "be nice" trap, and that's a sure fire way of being walked all over. I'm not saying be nasty, just establish your boundaries and assert them, in a fair way.

This guy sounds absolutely revolting and is being completely inappropriate.

You should do up a document while you still remember what he said and when, and email to it yourself.

How dare you seriously. How dare you. You're pretty much saying that what he's doing and my previous abuse is my fault. What a horrible and unnecessary comment.

Plus where did I say he doesn't work for the same company? He does. He passes by me to go to his own office. Would you like me to video our next interaction to prove it to you?

A) He got my mobile number about 6 months ago when he asked me to text him the name of another colleague he needed to get hold of.

B) I was sexually assaulted and almost raped by a man a view years back. Nothing was done. My judgement as I have explained is muddled, and I suffer from serious PTSD.

If you have nothing better to do at 06:34 in the morning than come here and seriously degrade another females experience by doubting my story, you need to check yourself. If it helps you in any way, I will videotape my conversation with my boss on Monday and PM you with it? Along with a video of the man who keeps bothering me?

What a horrible person. God I just need to find this toughness with him. Maybe you've made me find it so thank you.