Constant attention from colleague

[Nina7648]

Hi I'm 35 and recently got out of a very controlling relationship which I'm still struggling to heal from. So I'm not sure if I am gaging this correctly and would welcome any advice as some of the behaviour is making my quite weak alarm bells sound.

I work in an office by myself which I'm happy with. I don't want to go into the details of my job but there isn't anyone else around me for any length of time, just people passing by. It's quite open planned so I can't close a door. I have a male colleague who uses my part of the building as a cut through to his. He is funny for the most part and we get on well but the issue is that for the past 7 months since I started work here he will not give me a day's peace. It is constant - and sometimes 3 times a day, every day, 5 days a week. He stops by every morning, afternoon and sometimes a surprise in the afternoon when I think I'm free, he will just pop up and go 'Surr-prriiiiise!' I have quite a busy job,and because of his distractions, I often forget what I'm supposed to have done. He will stand for up to 30 mins at a time, and if I have to answer the phone or speak to another member of staff who calls by, he stands and stands and doesn't pick up on queues that I'm busy etc. On the odd occasion my boss has been at my desk, it's ideal because he will just explain that we are in the middle of something. If there is any sort of silence while I check my emails for example, he will not see it as an excuse that I'm busy, but stand and stand to the point I feel like saying 'Ok if there's nothing else will you just go away!!!'

I'm finding it so draining, but because I like to be polite and not offend, I have just grinned and beared it up until now but it's putting me in a bad mood. I've been left with a lot of trauma from my ex, and there are days when I do sadly just want to be left alone. I'm finding the way he speaks to me sometimes to be very condescending. He's in his 50's and sometimes has that 'bloody women' attitude about him. If I say, like I did yesterday that I don't like alcoholic spirits, he will say 'well which ones have you had?' When I explain I don't like any of them (gin, vodka) he will go on about some other spirit as if forcing me to like it. He can also be really inappropriate with a bit of a smutty mouth, and there have been quite a few tits and ass references and so many innuendos. For example if I say 'are you coming to...' in reference to a work do or something, he will say 'am I cuming? Pardon young lady?'

He has also, at the likes of Christmas asked me for a hug and when I did hug him he makes noises and his hands roamed up and down my back. Sadly this happened by surprise and away from the cctv but on the second occasion he asked me for a hug I said no and used the camera as an excuse that my boss could see me.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and I was out of the country on holiday and he rang me! I didn't answer but then got a text to ask 'Where are you? Your ring tone is European!' He's started emailing me as well especially if he can't get round at lunch time to visit. I'm ok with a break from him believe me!

I'm not a prude by any means but the way I was treated by my ex has me questioning all men and I really hate being told what to think and what not to think especially by a man. And now he wants to take me to lunch as a late birthday gift. Like I say we get on well and he can be funny but he has a live-in partner and I know he's going to ask me for a hug at the end of the lunch.

Please don't think I'm being weird, I have been left severly damaged by my ex in every way and cannot correctly judge situations. I had no voice so sometimes what is in my head does not come out of my mouth as much as I want to say it. But am I right in thinking something is a bit off about this?

And have you ever heard of women being nice to someone to keep themselves safe???

I really appreciate this and your kindness. Thank you.

Stick to your guns OP and make sure your manager knows exactly what has gone on and what he's said. It's worrying that this man got your mobile number because he wanted you to text him someone else's number. Can you change your mobile number? The fact that he's getting angry is also a worry. Put your safety first.

I have blocked his number now. When he rang me and I was actually abroad it freaked me out. I'm meeting my manager on Monday - I managed to get hold of him via email. I don't want any trouble as I'm not good at dealing with the aftermath of 'upsetting people', but I'm absolutely exhausted and I think this is part of the reason. I appreciate your thoughts.

Gross op, he's a creep. You're being too polite. Let me guess (and don't say op) NHS. Filled with unmoveable creeps that get away with all sorts.

Hey so I did it - I spoke to my boss who is back. I felt really weird about it, but he's a very nice man and very approachable. I explained it was making me really uncomfortable, distracting from my work and about the inappropriate comments. He did ask how long it has been going on for and I was honest in that it wasn't AS BAD (with the comments) as it is now. He is going to speak to his manager.

And now I'm really nervous about what will happen!!! But I'm glad I did it. He was here this morning again and actually stood just waiting while I took two important calls. I said 'I am really busy and have stuff I have to get on with here so if you could head on..' but it fell on deaf ears. Hopefully my boss talking to him won't make anything worse.

Well done! You are taking the right steps to protect yourself at work.

Thank you very much. I'm very nervous about the outcome however. Like what if he confronts me?

Thats the last thing he will do - otherwise he willbe sacked. You are safe now.

Well done for bringing it up with your manager. Be careful not to minimise it.

It shows he's a self serving ignorant pest when he ignored you when you told him to move on - well done for doing that.

Lesson for the future - listen to your gut and nip things in the bud straight away - rinse and repeat if they dont go away .... and then escalate..... dont waste your breath - take action.

Well done.

Men like this are overbearing bullies, I hope you are able to stand up for yourself op! Find your anger, I put up with shit like this when I was younger, as women we are conditioned to be nice. Luckily for me I have a short temper, and I find an evil stare will put off any idiot who strays too close. If this tosser approaches you again, say sweetly "Can't you take a hint? LEAVE ME ALONE!!" Hopefully your manager will have had a word. I can think of a few choice words I'd say to him!!

Thank you so much. That's really good advice. I tend to not speak up because of past experiences but it just means that things GROW and get worse. I'm sick and tired of being polite incase anyone thinks bad of me when they are infringing on my time and space.

It is pushing me to the point of anger tbh. He also keeps going 'eh?' to get me to repeat stuff and I lost it today and said 'ARE YOU DEAF?!'

oops!

I have a female colleague like this , she wan absolute pain. I work 12 hour night shifts she even follows me to the toilet! I have told her I need peace to do my job . I have a new job partly because she's a pain. And yes I've told her she thinks it's funny

Whatttt? The toilet?!

Make up a boyfriend , one that does boxing or a martial art .

I experienced this in the workplace many years ago in the 80s . I was too scared to go to management as I had only started the job and had a mortgage and the interest rates were taking off . I think the guy knew I wouldn't report him because I couldn't . He was related to and was well in with management and feared .

He targeted me from the start after seeing my husband who is a little guy and insulted his height to me .

Stated bring over friendly , slowly invading my space and by putting a hand my shoulder then on my lower back . Telling dirty jokes to see my reaction. He eventually sexually assaulted me in a corridor and I felt I couldn't complain as he was a qualified time served mechanic and I wasn't . My job was two a penny .

I threatened him with the police and that was enough for him to back off . I later discovered he was telling people I was sleeping around and I was bad mouthing some of the women there , criticising their looks and figures . He isolated me and created a hostile working environment for me .

He knew he could do this to me and get away with it as my husband couldn't fight him and he had the support and backing of my colleagues and management if I ever took this further .

Report this man OP as you have the law on your side and this cannot be brushed under the carpet.

Well done for reporting him. He sounds horrible, and you shouldn't have to put up with this in work. Hopefully it will be a lot nicer for you now 😃

Why, women shouldn't need to do that.

Why can't they just say no and it be listened to?

@Namechangetheyarewatching

In an ideal world yes women should say no and be listened to but they are not . Often these slimy men are bullies. They select their victims well , knowing no come back will come their way . The last thing they want is a teeth knockout punch in the mouth . These men are cowards . I once worked with a stunning woman whose husband was a huge outlaw biker and criminal. She could have worn a bikini to work and no man would have dared touch her or said anything to her ,

He's a perv and a pest. You need to push back and don't worry about offending him, this is sexual harassment.

If he asks you for a hug again, look at him as if he's stark raving mad and say firmly, 'no, thank you' and then nonchalantly walk away.

When he starts hanging around, just say:
'Have you no work to be doing?' and then turn and crack on with your job.

And block his number.

What a creep!

Well done! Keep going in this vein, hopefully the idiot will get the message. You don't owe him anything! He's invading your personal space!

Well done speaking to your boss. I know it’s difficult. I’m glad you’re starting to feel angry about it. He’s taking the piss and getting you to repeat yourself is deliberate and shows he gets off on making you uncomfortable. Twat.

I don’t think he’ll confront you. Ask posters here to help you with a rehearsed response so you’re prepared if he does. When you see him around the office don’t look at him at all, don’t acknowledge him.

Personally I don’t talk to men unless I have to and I’m not friendly to them. You can’t tell who is a twat until they drop the mask, and too many of them interpret polite chat as a come on. I was quite surprised to see my sisters gushing valentines post on sm as I thought she was single. I asked her about it and she said it keeps the perverts away.

You shouldn’t have to invent a boyfriend but it does stop this behaviour.

This.

The more women report and consequences impact the pest - hopefully they will think twice about pestering and back off when told to.

Is there cctv in your office?