Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

130 replies

HoolieJem · 17/01/2025 14:10

I know I have a thread open but I just wanted to query this. As my other thread will have said, I don't have any self esteem and find it hard to ascertain with men especially the inappropriateness of comments or if they are innocent.

I am in my forties and work with a lovely girl who is 25. She approached me earlier to tell me that another male colleague who is in his 50's is always making inappropriate comments to her and when he got a new car, said 'Do you want to come for a spin and I will show you the jizz stains in the back of my car?' She is very smart and doesn't think it's worth bothering about but he has also said to her 'which one of these do I press to make it grow?' in reference to some of the equipment we use. This is going to sound really pathetic I know and I apologise but I did really like this man and because my confidence is shot to hell, not only am I concerned for her but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age. It is likely my lack of self esteem that is making me think this but I found myself being a bit jealous too which I know you will be angry with me for. Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something and what should I do if she mentions it to me again?

Thank you :(

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 17/01/2025 14:18

of course its inappropriate and should be reported

MaggieBsBoat · 17/01/2025 14:22

WTAF. She needs to let HR know and you need to raise your standards.

PiastriThePastry · 17/01/2025 14:22

He is acting inappropriately and talking to your colleague in a disgusting manner, you ought to suggest to her that she report his behaviour to HR.
As for, Does he sound like a catch?! As in, you’re asking in a romantic sense for yourself?? Honestly, wtf? No. That’s all.

parietal · 17/01/2025 14:22

he is vile and should be reported to HR. even if they don't act on these incidents, they should keep a record of patterns of inappropriate behaviour.

cordeliavorkosigan · 17/01/2025 14:27

He is not good enough to date you. Or anyone.

iamnotalemon · 17/01/2025 14:29

Yes it's inappropriate and should be reported and kindly, you need to question why you are jealous of this creature making inappropriate comments.

ErrolTheDragon · 17/01/2025 14:32

iamnotalemon · 17/01/2025 14:29

Yes it's inappropriate and should be reported and kindly, you need to question why you are jealous of this creature making inappropriate comments.

I think she's sufficiently explained that in her OP.

titchy · 17/01/2025 14:34

Does he sound like a catch? Yeah he sounds amazing. He's be a totally supportive boyfriend, always on your side,
kind, loyal and thoughtful.

Seriously - even if your self esteem is rock bottom you can see he's a nasty fucking perv.

Mysteryfemale · 17/01/2025 14:35

She's approached you because she thinks you are a decent person, she trusts you and wants your help. She feels uncomfortable and scared and needs you to reassure her she doesn't have to put up with this.

Advise her to go to HR, and support her if she needs this in making the complaint.

He sounds like a sleazeball perving over a young woman. Don't give him another thought. A catch? The only kind of catch he is is the kind you'd want treated at your local STD clinic.

As for your low self esteem, remember that other people, like your colleague, see the person you are and rate you.

ErrolTheDragon · 17/01/2025 14:36

Anyway, OP, of course he's being inappropriate. He's doing this to a younger woman because he's sleazy and deluded, and it's also probably a relative power thing. He probably thinks he can get away with this easier with her than you, he's probably got less respect for a younger woman.
All sorts of reasons - none of them good - but absolutely nothing that negatively reflects on you!

Hayley1256 · 17/01/2025 14:38

He sounds a complete creep and she or you need to report it as that's complete inappropriate. I have given people warnings for lesser comments than that and then fired them when they have said further inappropriate things. As for him been a catch, you are joking right?

Randomthoughts992 · 17/01/2025 14:41

hes a creepy pervert and shouldnt be making comments to uncomfortable woman in work

PinkArt · 17/01/2025 14:44

Would you say to a male colleague young enough to be your son, hey want to see my fanny juices on my car seat? Of course you wouldn't because it's sexual harassment and wildly inappropriate. There is nothing to be jealous of. She is just trying to do her job and this sexual predator is making repeated inappropriate comments to her.
I hope she eventually feels empowered to report him and I hope you get some support with not just your lack of self esteem but also your understanding of appropriate behaviors.

Ponderingwindow · 17/01/2025 14:49

You are in your 50s and you know of a young employee who is being sexually harassed. You label it exactly what it is and suggest she go to HR with a report. If you have witnessed any of these interactions, you make a report yourself.

i never thought the subsequent generations of female employees would need mentorship on navigating the workplace as women, but that is the reality. As a woman in my 50s with some degree of capital build up at my company, I feel it is my responsibility to use it to help where I can.

PennyApril54 · 17/01/2025 14:50

He sounds like an absolute cringe worthy disgusting pervy idiot and this should be an eye opener to you. In fact you should be relieved that you found out he is like this before you've had anything date wise to do with him. Going out with him would have a negative impact on your reputation .
No matter what he looks like he is in no way a good catch. I know it's difficult for your colleague but she either has to say she doesn't think his comments are appropriate and if it doesn't stop she'll seek advice from HR or just go to HR.
Onwards and upwards for you OP. Much better men out there than this sleazebag.

Original poster
HoolieJem · 17/01/2025 14:51

Thanks everyone ever so much. It cuts a hell of a lot deeper for me because compared to her (she is about 5'10 very ethereal looking and slim) and I'm 5'3, curvy and in my forties - but I really really liked him, didn't know he would be capable of that kind of thing. I assumed it was because she is younger and prettier that he was doing it to her. He did once say to me that if I had been in his car I would leave a 'snail trail' on the seat. I am in counselling to try to work on boundaries etc but I feel pathetic as I have interpreted the comments jealously and thought it meant I wasn't good enough for him.

I really appreciate your kindness and understanding.

OP posts:
PennyApril54 · 17/01/2025 14:54

That snail trail comment would've made me want to rip my ears off and fire them into the nearest shredder

pikkumyy77 · 17/01/2025 14:59

So he did come on to you—his disgusting comments were also made to you. Keep going to therapy and work on what causes you to wish for dirty, harassing, comments from an old fart just because hevis a man. This isn’t just low self esteem its internalized misogyny and servility. Was your father abusive/cild/neglectful or seductive and abandoning? You seem to crave male attention without understanding what is good or bad.

Motnight · 17/01/2025 15:01

HoolieJem · 17/01/2025 14:51

Thanks everyone ever so much. It cuts a hell of a lot deeper for me because compared to her (she is about 5'10 very ethereal looking and slim) and I'm 5'3, curvy and in my forties - but I really really liked him, didn't know he would be capable of that kind of thing. I assumed it was because she is younger and prettier that he was doing it to her. He did once say to me that if I had been in his car I would leave a 'snail trail' on the seat. I am in counselling to try to work on boundaries etc but I feel pathetic as I have interpreted the comments jealously and thought it meant I wasn't good enough for him.

I really appreciate your kindness and understanding.

He is a nasty horrible man, Op.

fluffyblanky · 17/01/2025 15:03

What have I just read?!! He is vile. He needs to be reported.

Flopsythebunny · 17/01/2025 15:03

HoolieJem · 17/01/2025 14:51

Thanks everyone ever so much. It cuts a hell of a lot deeper for me because compared to her (she is about 5'10 very ethereal looking and slim) and I'm 5'3, curvy and in my forties - but I really really liked him, didn't know he would be capable of that kind of thing. I assumed it was because she is younger and prettier that he was doing it to her. He did once say to me that if I had been in his car I would leave a 'snail trail' on the seat. I am in counselling to try to work on boundaries etc but I feel pathetic as I have interpreted the comments jealously and thought it meant I wasn't good enough for him.

I really appreciate your kindness and understanding.

He sounds absolutely disgusting.
Your colleague needs to report him and you need to work on your self esteem and boundaries

DaftyLass · 17/01/2025 15:04

The man is a piece of shit, who likes to make others feel uncomfortable, to give him power.

He is gross, and God forbid you got with him, he would still be chasing after people half his age, because he is a piece of shit.

Work on your self, support the poor girl who came to you, and report the bastard

saynotofondant · 17/01/2025 15:06

He sounds repulsive.

> but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age.

Men make disgusting comments to younger women more often than to older women as they think that younger women won’t say boo to a goose, and that they’ll think it’s their fault they’re being harassed or somehow gave the guy a come-on. Whereas older women are more cynical/jaded/experienced and are more likely to tell the guy where to go.

I got loads of comments as a teenager/young 20 something, but they tailed off after I hit 25 and started growing more of a spine/gave less naive vibes.

> I assumed it was because she is younger and prettier that he was doing it to her.

No, just more naïve and easier to manipulate than an older woman (he thinks)

> snail trail

WTAF. He is disgusting.

Original poster
HoolieJem · 17/01/2025 15:08

pikkumyy77 · 17/01/2025 14:59

So he did come on to you—his disgusting comments were also made to you. Keep going to therapy and work on what causes you to wish for dirty, harassing, comments from an old fart just because hevis a man. This isn’t just low self esteem its internalized misogyny and servility. Was your father abusive/cild/neglectful or seductive and abandoning? You seem to crave male attention without understanding what is good or bad.

Edited

No my Daddy was a total gentleman, loved him and he was my best friend. But I lost him when I was very young and he was very young. I don't know if that has something to do with it. I can't honestly figure out when a man is being inappropriate and when it's just a man being a man. I also worked in a team of men where it was common place to make comments about breasts, vaginas, anal, oral etc. Nothing was ever done about it.

OP posts:
Marianus · 17/01/2025 15:09

So a young woman is being sexually harassed at work and you have managed to make it all about you and your feelings?