Is this inappropriate?

[HoolieJem]

I know I have a thread open but I just wanted to query this. As my other thread will have said, I don't have any self esteem and find it hard to ascertain with men especially the inappropriateness of comments or if they are innocent.

I am in my forties and work with a lovely girl who is 25. She approached me earlier to tell me that another male colleague who is in his 50's is always making inappropriate comments to her and when he got a new car, said 'Do you want to come for a spin and I will show you the jizz stains in the back of my car?' She is very smart and doesn't think it's worth bothering about but he has also said to her 'which one of these do I press to make it grow?' in reference to some of the equipment we use. This is going to sound really pathetic I know and I apologise but I did really like this man and because my confidence is shot to hell, not only am I concerned for her but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age. It is likely my lack of self esteem that is making me think this but I found myself being a bit jealous too which I know you will be angry with me for. Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something and what should I do if she mentions it to me again?

Thank you :(

I think this is a little harsh. OP is struggling with understanding boundaries and has come to talk through the situation, has been very receptive of advice.

This is going to sound really pathetic I know and I apologise but I did really like this man and because my confidence is shot to hell, not only am I concerned for her but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age. It is likely my lack of self esteem that is making me think this but I found myself being a bit jealous too which I know you will be angry with me for. Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something

Holy crap! 😮 you'd your thinking is so skewed!

What happened/ didn't happen to give you such low self esteem?

It might be OP because you had a good male role model, who could show you how decent men treat women and then sadly you didn't.
If your radar is genuinely really off with inappropriate comments use a few rules of thumb. Would he say it to a male colleague? So would he say to a 40 year old guy at work I bet your dick is hard getting in my car. Of course he fucking wouldn't. You can use this rule with basic sexism too, like asking the woman in the meeting to take notes or get teas and coffees. Also would he say it in front of his mum/sister/ wife etc? Of course he fucking wouldn't.
This man sexually harassed you too and you weren't even aware. That makes you really vulnerable so is something to put a lot of work into.

He's vile, and needs to be reported. You can do so much better op 💐

Sadly yes but there is a lot more to it that would take me an age to explain here, so forgive me for that. I do want to help her. I just came here because I don't understand my own feelings and thought I could talk it through.

You seriously needed to come on here to ask if this is inappropriate?! Are you for real! FFS!

If this actually real, then FFS report him to HR! (Or get her to if she's not afraid to!)

I can't honestly figure out when a man is being inappropriate and when it's just a man being a man.

This comment is worrying.

I am too frightened to get into it here as he has found out in the past but I was in a relationship with him, albeit briefly. I really do have a lot of feelings for him and he led me to believe I was the one for him. He has picked me up and dropped me so many times, each time claiming he got scared. But there is ten times more crap to the story than just that. It's like years of great times, then cruelty, then great times, then silent treatment, then blocking, then being nice again etc...he even wanted me to meet his family at one point. He would tell me about his past sexual conquests and how all the women he'd been with thought he had the nicest p they'd ever seen. So I thought I was the loser here.The cruelty has stuck with me, to the point I believe my age, weight, looks, colouring, voice, hair etc is all part of the reason he ran from me even though we both knew no one could love him more. He's a divorcee (twice). So when she came to me and said what she did, her words ran deeper. I didn't mean to sound selfish. But I have been physical with him so to hear him speak to a younger woman like that just reinforces how I feel about myself. I hope that makes sense without going into every single detail or we'd be here all year.

This!! I am so surprised this hasn't been said until this post.

Your thinking is skewed and I am glad you are in counselling. I am actually horrified that this is your go to thought.

I wish your colleague had chosen someone else to support her as you are NOT the right person for this

He needs binning for his weird obsession about his car seats alone.

If you are actually unsure whether or not his behaviour is inappropriate then I worry what type of stuff you must have put up with throughout your life. Feeling jealous of him is even more worrying. 🫤. It's 100% his fault he behaves like a revolting creep but why would you choose to do nothing.

I think you need to have as little to do with him as possible. He deserves absolutely no respect. You need to find a way to have more respect for yourself so you can see him for what he is (and the way every other woman will see him, a creep).
Under no circumstances give him the time of day again. This will probably make him try harder but you need to stand your ground. For goodness sake do not spend another second of your precious life on this utter loser. Support your colleague to complain if you can and then blank / block him. You can do it. It's time to take control of this situation, it's went on long enough already, too long. He will NEVER make you truly happy. Move on before it's too late. Take care of yourself.

I knew someone would be harsh on me without knowing the full story which I have tried to explain above. Please if you can't be helpful say nothing as this is a bigger issue for me than just the girl. I just didn't want to say it until I felt comfortable enough, which I did until the harshness started. He's done it to me too see, with pics of his private parts and even showed it to me in an office. He was all over me until he found out I had developed real feelings, which is when the cruelty began. I know I should have explained better. He got away with it all and no one would do anything so I don't even know how to help this young woman.

Oh I'm sorry OP. The way he has treated you is awful, so I'm not surprised you have all these mixed emotions but he is the awful person here, not you. You really do need to cut him off and also your colleague short report him.

I tried to the point I nearly had a breakdown which may explain my self esteem issues. He had me so besotted with him that when he cut me off after everything he had done, and I kept taking him back, that by the end of it I was sure it must be my fault. So when she said to me although I adore this girl, I thought oh no here we go again and the mixed emotions like you say are hard to control. I did tell my superior at one point about the dic pic and she laughed and said 'sure they all do that, that's men'. And because I really did have genuine feelings for him and really cared, I thought if I was being treated cruelly, it was because of something lacking in me.

That is such sad reading. He didn't 'run from you' because of your physical attributes, he went because he doesn't care about you, he kept coming back because he knew you'd have him.

It couldn't be more obvious he doesn't give a fuck about you. He doesn't seem to like women in general given the disgusting way he speaks.

Please find a way to realise your self worth. Look around you, look at people who have happy relationships, see how they treat each other and how they talk to each other.
You'll see that good relationships have a foundation of trust and respect. You'll also see that a good relationship doesn't depend on how you look.

Then look inwards, how you think about yourself and how you see yourself. How do you want people around you to treat you and perceive you? What kind of friendships/relationships would make you happy, what kind of person would you like to be with?

If you see yourself as a human being with the same rights and needs as every other human being you'll see that you also deserve the same level of respect and kindness that you see people in good relationships having.

Be kind to yourself, be your own best friend, do things that make you happy, be that a long bubble bath, a glass of wine in front of your favourite film, a day out somewhere, put yourself first, start to love yourself. If you do that you'll probably find you won't want the kind of person around who makes you feel worse.

You can do it Op.

I am sorry you have self esteem issues. It's good you are seeking help as it sounds like you need a bucket load of therapy. But you have started this thread about your colleague being harassed and have moved it on to be all about you.

You haven't really said what advice and support you have offered her at all. What if this escalates, as these things often do? What are you going to do? I am concerned that you may be the only person she has told and you are not supporting her as you should, as your thoughts are about the impact on you.

Very inappropriate for any man to be saying this to a work colleague, regardless of his age or the other person. However, the fact he's 25 years older than her, is particularly grim. This is not a man I'd want to be in a relationship with. Any man who thinks it's acceptable for him to make lewid comments to a female (or male) colleague isn't a 'good catch'. It's gross.

That's disgraceful that your superior said that! Are they living in a different century?
It's nothing in you that is lacking!
Sounds like you work in a very toxic work environment.

Did you read my explanation Sandra? It must be wonderful to have never experienced this kind of torment. Of course I want to help her, but given I have had my own background with this man, I'm trying to figure out what to do, because when I raised my own concerns, including texts and naked pics of him, I was laughed at by my boss. I know I need a 'bucket load' of therapy and I'm terrified. Terrified that this is all my doing and in my head which I why I came to a support forum - it makes it more real for me now that it is happening to someone else, however the young girl did say 'that's just him it's not worth talking about'.

I tried today to get some information from her but she is reluctant. She knows that I have a history with him which is maybe why she told me. I've never had to help someone in this way before and I want to do it right. She said he is inappropriate to her all the time, but how do I even get more out of her without scaring her? I said I'm always here for you, and I know she trusts me.

Making it about me isn't intentional. It's a knee jerk reaction to what he's done to me for years.

Just tell his manager that you are aware he has been making inappropriate comments to a female.

It happens all the time. A few years ago I heard him say about another woman 'oh I'd do her, I bet she'd be really dry'. The woman was in her late sixties.

He's a fucking predator who harasses women young enough to be his daughter. It should be reported and you should steer clear of him because he's a fucking sex-pest and a total cunt.

At one point he told me I was his soulmate and now I will never understand what I did that I wasn't enough to be that. So maybe you can understand my albeit weird reaction when the younger woman told me what he said.

I tried today to get some information from her but she is reluctant.

You don’t need her to give you more information, she needs to tell HR. And by the sound of it, you also need to report what he has said to you and about others in your presence too.