Is this inappropriate?

[HoolieJem]

I know I have a thread open but I just wanted to query this. As my other thread will have said, I don't have any self esteem and find it hard to ascertain with men especially the inappropriateness of comments or if they are innocent.

I am in my forties and work with a lovely girl who is 25. She approached me earlier to tell me that another male colleague who is in his 50's is always making inappropriate comments to her and when he got a new car, said 'Do you want to come for a spin and I will show you the jizz stains in the back of my car?' She is very smart and doesn't think it's worth bothering about but he has also said to her 'which one of these do I press to make it grow?' in reference to some of the equipment we use. This is going to sound really pathetic I know and I apologise but I did really like this man and because my confidence is shot to hell, not only am I concerned for her but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age. It is likely my lack of self esteem that is making me think this but I found myself being a bit jealous too which I know you will be angry with me for. Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something and what should I do if she mentions it to me again?

Thank you :(

He sounds like about the most vile specimen I've ever heard of!

Your view of men is worryingly skewed. A decent man doesn't send dick pics to colleagues. A decent man doesn't make lewd comments to colleagues. Men aren't a different species. If it wouldn't be ok/normal for a woman to do it, then it isn't ok/normal for a man to do it either.

I'd recommend your colleague goes to HR, but if they have the same attitude as your superior that made that awful comment, then I'm worried. But she does need to report it to someone and I don't blame her for not wanting to speak to you as you clearly have mixed feelings invested which will confuse matters.

This is two separate issues.

This man really does sound vile.

If he doesn't give a fuck about me, surely that means I'm worthless? I gave him everything - absolutely everything to the point I have nothing left and don't even know who I am now. If I was better looking, slimmer - would that change him and how he behaves? Maybe he treated me like this because I'm just not lovable? He told me we never 'made love' all he did was 'f me'. And he said that in front of others. So in my mind there is a perfect princess out there who he wouldn't treat like this. Based on her looks, she'd get the nice version of him and when the younger girl said to me today I did admittedly start to spiral. I know it's hard to understand but he has done so much damage. He told me he'd be there for me as I have no one, and within 24 hours or less had turned into someone I didn't even recognise. And I blame me because I'm a size 16. I know this probably makes no sense. I don't know how anyone can love this face now. He said 'I could walk into any bar and take a girl home, that's all this was', after spending time with me, meals dinner, sex, sharing etc, holiday plans...I have debated whether it's even worth being alive now with this constant confusion and pain. He has known for years how much I felt for him and I was so invested and he just broke my heart. I literally don't understand how I can just be met with so much cruelty when all I ever did was love and care about him.

I'm sorry everyone. But I will do my utmost for this girl.

I really do think you need some counselling, where you can get some proper support for these feelings.

You are not worthless. He is a piece of shit that has treated you in an awful way. Please don't let his treatment of you cloud your judgement about your self worth.

I do totally understand how you are feeling but please do not let this scum ruin your life.

If he doesn't give a fuck about me, surely that means I'm worthless

No it doesn't mean that. It means he's a misogynistic, sexist user who treats women like notches on a bedpost.

The way he treated you is down to him, not you. Do you really think anyone has the power to get him to treat women like crap? No, that's from him. He's a very unpleasant person.

This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read. Utterly tragic, and you need help, counselling or therapy. Why would you think your worth is purely determined by this sleaszeballs feelings about you

op, I don’t think you’re well, you need help. To be treated so badly, to know he’s sleazing on a young woman, and all you feel is jealousy, and decide you must be worthless if he’s not interested, is really disturbing.

you need help, therapy, to work on your self esteem, jealousy, boundaries, confidence, and to get a healthy mind set.

and what’s worse is I don’t think you can even see it, you’re so unwell.

The answer to all of your whys is because he's a cunt.
Why was he so cruel? Nothing to do with you or what dress size you are, it's because he's a cunt.
Why has he moved on to a different victim to harass? Because he's a cunt.
Would he treat you differently if you were a size 10? No, because he's a cunt.
Why would he talk about a 60 year old colleagues vagina? You got it, he's a cunt.
He is an awful, awful human being. You are not worthless now you are no longer some toy he plays cruelly with, you are fucking lucky that you have escaped. Please, please get some help as soon as possible. It's hard to tell how much of this damage is his doing or how much he was able to do as he picked on a very emotionally vulnerable woman - I would guess an unhealthy mix of both - but you need someone's help to undo that thinking.

It's a difficult situation for lots of different reasons but you are learning and reflecting and looking differently at the whole thing now. Well done. I think you've made progress today.
It sounds like your work failed to handle it professionally and appropriately the last time, if it happens again you're in a better place to not let them minimize his wrongdoing and dismiss it so easily. We all live and learn OP. It's okay not to know all the answers the first time round but brilliant if we can read up on things, get advice etc so we are better equipped in future. You're doing the right thing asking other women, maybe read up on misogyny etc I'm sure so others will have good links.
Sending pics, inappropriate sexual comments etc he is totally wrong. No sane person will say you or your female colleague are in the wrong raising it and highlighting it is not acceptable.
I think you're colleague will know from what you've said that you are there if she wants to chat again. That's probably all you can do at this stage. Be vigilant and if you observe inappropriate behavior you can raise it with management yourself. I wish you could find a way to get this man out of your life. I hope your therapy continues to go well and wish you the very best of luck for the future.

Awww OP I feel your pain I really do.
It isn't you. None of this is your fault.
He treated you like this because he is a dick. It's not because of anything about you. Women of all shapes, sizes, ages, styles and personalities are beautiful in their own way. It's not about being good enough.
I can honestly say that no good healthy relationship ever starts like this. This can never be the relationship you wanted it to be because this man is not capable of it. Someone highlighted earlier that this is not how happy couples operate. There's a reason he's divorced twice.
It's not because of anything about you that he has treated you badly. He would treat me and any of the other women on this thread exactly the same if he had the chance.
I want you to invest in some brilliant self care and personal growth. Really spend time looking after yourself and healing. I'm absolutely rooting for you as are many others here ❤️

I am so sad and sorry you feel your worth is tied to what an awful man , sleaze ball, utter misogynistic awful man thinks about you.

Our worth is related to how we are, not how some one else sees us.

I think most of the women replying to you would struggle to be civil to this man in our work places, as he is such a low awful person. He would not dare to say these things to us as we would have reported him and had him up before a tribunal before he could draw a second breath . Most of us would just not tolerate such awful things and we would ruin him in a heartbeat.

You have immense worth as real live breathing woman, no need to add anything else to this sentence.
Please believe us all, we are all horrified on your behalf, and on the behalf of the young woman who works with you.

This actually brought a tear to my eyes, as no one should feel like you do about such an awful awful man.

It's not you, it's definitely him - he's disgusting

My, he has put you through the wringer. He has said and done some hideous things that no one deserves

You deserve a lot better that him
You are a much better person than him
Drop him like a hot brick and block him

He needs reporting by both of you. Support each other and do not let him get away with his shitty behaviour any more

What a dirty old lech not fit for today's workplace!
That you,a self-respecting woman, would be considering him!
Someone needs to whistle blow on his attitude.

Oh my goodness I hope you don’t think I’m a psycho? It has made me unwell but I’m not crazy like I’d never hurt anyone or anything I promise!

Yes he is a dirty old git making crude sexual remarks to a young female colleague. She should complain about him and you should definitely not feel snubbed by his lack of sexual harassment of you.

What a horrible thing to say. I can assure you what we are going through is no wind up. Ive reported your comment however. And yes unfortunately some of us are naive and in need of support. How dare you. Im happy for you that your life has been relatively easy!

This and now. She's confided in you hoping for help.

It should be reported. If she don't then you should. Absolutely disgusting thing to say to a colleague. Half your age so presumably junior. Would he say that to a male director? Total clear cut sexual harassment which is usually sackable offence. It happened in my work. One guy kept on emailing and texting this young woman trying to flirt against her wishes.

I feel so angry with this man and the way he treats and speaks about women. I am sure he is not really well liked at all by any decent normal men or women. I'm sure you're starting to see clearly now OP and realise you've had a lucky escape as much as it has hurt you.
People probably just tolerate him for some reason but I wouldn't.
The comments are awful. All of them , the one about the lady in her 60s is just the absolute height of disrespect. If I was dating someone and found out they were like this I'd be so disgusted I'd break up immediately and I wouldn't have him working for me either. I hope he gets his comeuppance.

Absolutely will. I promise. Thank you.

According to him it’s never his fault. Always down to someone else. Has no contact with his kids either. Told me no matter how hard he tries he always gets dumped and even when I assured him I would never do that it still wasn’t enough. I have never met anyone who is so repulsed by genuine love and care.

I know his own boss won’t deal with this because that boss knows what happened to me. So I will likely have to tackle it a different way. The young woman sort of laughed it off when she told me though.

The whole tone of this thread is such wallowing self pity. Its jealousy, you are jealous of this younger girl getting his attention. But its not 'attention', this girl is being sexuality harrassed and that's what you're jealous of.

You know its pathetic. You know he's a lecherous perve. If you weren't gagging when he made the snail trail comment, i don't think anyone on this thread can help you.

Then also remember you deserve someone wonderful not sleazy

He's fucking with you, stringing you along so he's always got a back up. You sound lovely, if a bit naive, you deserve better. Morally, you are so, so far above him, he's less than shit on your shoe.

Scrape him off, bin him, hold your head high and move on.

You don’t know the half of this story. This man has been in my home my bed my life. Please stop being so nasty to me when I’m doing my best to articulate it. You maybe want to take a look at yourself instead of sitting there being so horrible. You are extremely judgmental and I for one don’t think you should be on a forum where people are looking for help.