Is this inappropriate?

[HoolieJem]

I know I have a thread open but I just wanted to query this. As my other thread will have said, I don't have any self esteem and find it hard to ascertain with men especially the inappropriateness of comments or if they are innocent.

I am in my forties and work with a lovely girl who is 25. She approached me earlier to tell me that another male colleague who is in his 50's is always making inappropriate comments to her and when he got a new car, said 'Do you want to come for a spin and I will show you the jizz stains in the back of my car?' She is very smart and doesn't think it's worth bothering about but he has also said to her 'which one of these do I press to make it grow?' in reference to some of the equipment we use. This is going to sound really pathetic I know and I apologise but I did really like this man and because my confidence is shot to hell, not only am I concerned for her but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age. It is likely my lack of self esteem that is making me think this but I found myself being a bit jealous too which I know you will be angry with me for. Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something and what should I do if she mentions it to me again?

Thank you :(

Oh no certainly not a catch. If you had the terrible misfortune of catching him then I hope you would immediately throw him back into whatever sewer he crawled out from.

But in all seriousness please try to support the girl who has confided in you. His behaviour is unnerving.

I will try but I do feel an emptiness because I did believe I had a future with him so it’s lonely at the weekend. I’m very isolated now.

I understand that. It will take some time.
Please do something nice for yourself this weekend and slowly and surely, you'll get there.

I hope so and thanks. Problem is he has made me feel I don’t deserve anything. Towards the end before I moved depts he told people he was hiding from me and told my colleagues even when I wasn’t doing anything but being professional and friendly. Hiding in different parts of the building. Told my boss and begged her to get him to stop. Nothing until it had gone on for a month. So I guess I isolate because I feel I must be disgusting.

He's a sleaze bag - don't be jealous!

I can't conceive of having such a low self esteem that one would pine over such a disgusting creep as this man. She needs real help if that is the case. The comments about jizz and a snail trail? Yuck, vomit. Who on earth could be jealous over a man who talks like that?!

Absolutely this. It never ceases to astound me what some women will overlook just to have a man. Just unreal.

He was the first man I fell in love with. Up until then I was very happy and independent by myself. I don’t need a man but I fell for him based on his early behaviour that turned out to be a lie. I hope that is ok from up there in your ivory tower. :(

You were in love with this man?! Holy hell.

Where the hell have you been working, @HoolieJem ?
I have worked with men who have never spoken to female colleagues like this as they would have been out on their ear.

Decent, intelligent respectful men wouldn't speak to any female colleagues in this revolting way.

Raise your standards, @HoolieJem
This dirty old man is grotesque.

This will be my first : you need to give your head a wobble. It fits the situation perfectly.

Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something and what should I do if she mentions it to me again?

Anything less like a catch is hard to imagine. He sounds sexist, vulgar and downright skanky.

By the way, he’s harassing your colleague. He needs disciplinary action, not a woman lusting after him.

OP your comments to people on this thread are quite aggressive. Maybe use that anger and find a new job. As long as you're around this man and allow him to have all this control over you and your self-esteem you will never get better - regardless of how much therapy you get. It's like a drug addict still living in a drug den while getting treatment - it will never work.

He doesn't love you and never has and he is not "scared of commitment with someone who loves him more than anyone else" (or whatever crap you tell yourself). He just doesn't care about you. You need a clean break from this man. I have been in a toxic relationship with someone at work and the only thing that helped was a new job and zero contact with him.

I’m sorry I’m just in a lot of pain. But I don’t know how to interpret that comment about commitment. Does that mean he would not be slimy and skanky to someone else and treat them better? ‘He just does not care about you’ so does that mean his actions towards me were ok? Sorry I am just honestly trying to understand. If he’s vulgar etc ia that who he is regardless of who he is with?

Stop trying to analyse this man. His behaviour has shown you who he is and he is a wrong un. It doesn't matter if he treats or has treated you better or worse than anyone else. He is disgusting. Anyone can be lovely and show a false representation of their true selves to reel someone in which is what he did to you. It's the sleazy comments and the awful attitude to all women that is who this man is.

There are better men out there. Much better. You should consider leaving this job as it will give you a clearer perspective and more peace of mind. I suspect while you are still seeing him every day, this obsession over him is not going to abate anytime soon.

There is nothing good about this man, no matter who he's with. You need to exercise some mental discipline & self-respect, OP, and stop thinking about him.

Stop posting on this thread, unsubscribe to it, and do something positive and productive in real life. Get out for a walk, smell the fresh air.

This man is nasty - to you, and seemingly to all women he works with.

Thank you Sandra I really appreciate that. It does make sense. I love my job so much. But I will put thought into that. I just don’t understand so much. I don’t know if it’s the adhd (recently diagnosed) that makes my mind such a bucket of confusion. Does that mean if he is nice to someone it’s just a way of reeling them in? It doesn’t change who he is? All this time I’ve been thinking he was so awful to me because of something lacking or wrong in me. And I’ve stupidly interpreted what he said to the young woman as somehow meaningful I’m so sorry. 💔

Thank you x when he was telling colleagues he was hiding from me I assumed it was because there was something wrong with me. I do have a counsellor (cannot go often due to cost) and she said it was a bid for attention on his part. Don’t understand that either.

But I do have to keep myself busy you’re right.

I think he was looking for attention from others with the hiding. A sort of 'omg I'm so desirable that I'm having to hide from women (as if)...involving others in the stupid drama of it etc' probably lapping it up although anyone with any sense would be looking on and seeing him for what he is and knowing in almost every way it's his ego talking.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your future is do everything in your power to keep this man out of your head and your life permanently. Block him, avoid him, don't speak or think about him. I know it's easier said than done but you need to do it. If you don't you'll only be hurt further and it will ruin your life. Take the bull by the horns, you can do this 💪❤️

• This should have quoted your last post*

Absolutely. It's the same way abusers do. No man starts a first date by smacking their date in the face and this man did not start talking about snail trails as you quite rightly would have said seeya and never entertained him again.

I know you love your job but could you love another job as much? Probably. Your peace of mind and distance from this man would be what you would gain

Also consider doing the freedom programme as it will help you identify the red flags in future men.

IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A CUNT!
You've told us about his interactions with three women. You, who he treated like shit for ages. An older colleague who he referred to as having a dusty vagina. And the younger woman he has repeatedly sexually harassed. Does that sound like a decent man who just needs to find the right woman??
He might manage to appear to not be quite so vile to a new woman for a bit, but this is who he is and what he does. He sees women as vaginas of varying appeal and nothing more. Not actual people, not worthy of respect, just something to fuck.

The counsellor and another colleague at the time did suggest that. But it was the final
kick for me that made me move departments. It hurt like hell. But so confusing too as when I rarely do see him now the sexual refs are still there and he talks to me like he was never hiding and never uncomfortable. He will be straight over if he sees me talking to another man. Looking back I guess I should have known by now when we were in bed he would tell me about his exes and their performance. I overlooked so much.

You did overlook a lot but don't beat yourself up about it. You're seeing things more clearly now. It's time to get a grip of yourself and this situation and move forward more positively.