Is this inappropriate?

[HoolieJem]

I know I have a thread open but I just wanted to query this. As my other thread will have said, I don't have any self esteem and find it hard to ascertain with men especially the inappropriateness of comments or if they are innocent.

I am in my forties and work with a lovely girl who is 25. She approached me earlier to tell me that another male colleague who is in his 50's is always making inappropriate comments to her and when he got a new car, said 'Do you want to come for a spin and I will show you the jizz stains in the back of my car?' She is very smart and doesn't think it's worth bothering about but he has also said to her 'which one of these do I press to make it grow?' in reference to some of the equipment we use. This is going to sound really pathetic I know and I apologise but I did really like this man and because my confidence is shot to hell, not only am I concerned for her but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age. It is likely my lack of self esteem that is making me think this but I found myself being a bit jealous too which I know you will be angry with me for. Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something and what should I do if she mentions it to me again?

Thank you :(

Naive personified.

Op I would strongly, vigorously recommend looking to get a new job. Get away from this man being in your life and you will start feeling a great deal better I promise.

I’m not sure I am strong enough. I love my job and it’s the one place aside from this that I am valued. I’d be afraid that by running from the situation as well as avoiding helping my colleague that I would end up in a similar situation so I am trying to fight on but today has been incredibly difficult. I appreciate those of you who have been patient and kind. We are not all the same with the same level of intelligence or know how to deal with things.

This man child is an utter sleeze and the only reply to him should be ‘grow up’ before reporting to HR. None of this is actually about you, or anyone’s, looks or appearance - men like this will perv over any female with a pulse they come across (I worked with someone similar).

Meant to quote OP there not myself but just to add.

Take some time to look after yourself OP.

Next time he tries to weasel his way under your defences be polite but robust in your response. "Sorry Barry, can't meet up, I'm washing the dog/ got a dominoes match on down the Badger & Bucket / doing a fundraiser for orphaned gerbils.

Oh yeah, the only person leaving "snail trails" anywhere is him, slimy bastard.

What a stupid, pervy, sickening "man" he is. Yes, it's massively inappropriate.

@HoolieJem
I said nothing nasty, this is a forum where we all have opinions. No I haven't had an easy life, but I've never been jealous of somebody being sexually harassed and allowed myself to be treated like dirt.
You're quick enough to jump down my throat, maybe try that attitude towards this scumbag man you've allowed to use you.

Well you said you didn’t believe me then said I was pathetic. Neither helpful when someone is brave enough to ask for help about something so personal. And then you say I have an attitude for pointing it out. But yes I could use some of this spunkiness on him. I do feel like a complete idiot if it helps.

I haven't said anything nasty at all. You've brought this to MN for comment, but anyone criticising you is called mean and horrible. You opened this thread talking about his inappropriate behaviour towards the 25 year old experiencing harrasment but its not actually about that, it has all been about wanting to talk about your feelings for this man.
What do you want people to say? He is absolutely gross.
You both need to take action or he'll carry on talking about snail trails and jizz stains to his next victim.

It opened up the wider conversation which I hoped would explain my initial feelings when she told me. I want to help her of course I do and to end his behaviour. Im sorry I’m not smart enough to have recognised it for what it was but this man has destroyed me over a period of nearly 4 years. Maybe I’m not as smart as you but I’m doing my best. It’s very hurtful to turn it all around on me when I’ve explained why I felt jealous. You’re lucky to obviously have never experienced this type of abuse. It’s done a lot of damage and I don’t need to be judged for it. FYI criticising someone who has been abused is not an opinion. It’s misjudged and cruel. I’m sure you don’t mean it that way but please just back off as this is hard enough. I worked in a team where his behaviour was the norm. I don’t know anything else.

Lots of assumptions in that post...
And I'm not judging you. Im hopeful that you get over whats happened with this absolute cretin. I hate the thought of him swanning around, behaving the way he does, with no cumupance.

Ewwwww this would turn me off him completely. OP there's nothing wrong with you- there's something wrong with HIM. He sounds like a predatory creep 🤮

This. Not sure what planet a woman would ‘like’ a man who spoke to a younger, junior employee like this. It’s legally and ethically inappropriate - I have no idea why you cannot see that he is a despicable piece of dog shit; you should be supporting your younger colleague in walking her straight to HR. That you have made this about you, and your self-esteem, and not about her is deeply sad. I’m sorry to be harsh, but you need a therapist and your friend needs a better work ally.

She laughed when I asked her to go into it deeper. She said it wasnt worth it and she said ‘that’s just him’. Nobody helped me. I confided in my boss and she laughed when I told her he’d sent me a dik pic in work. So I was shocked when the young woman told me but I will help her or do my best too. This man’s actions have nearly put me in an early grave so please forgive my initial reaction.

Of course - it sounds as though, to some extent, he may have groomed you into accepting his behaviour. I truly think this is something that needs to be taken up with HR and I’m so sad that a woman of 25 thinks it’s not worth pursuing - I think this is an indicator that it is an abuse of power because he knows he can do it because she is junior and will not want to undermine her career. Sadly, she will not have been the first woman to reach this conclusion. I’d also go back to your boss re the dick pic - its a criminal offence to send unsolicited sexual images. I’d point out that if it is not acted upon, I’d be calling the police and they can resolve the matter.

@HoolieJem
I said you were naive not pathetic. I also said the thread might be a wind up as there are many which are fake.
For someone seemingly so thin skinned on MN it's a mystery why you've tolerated this wankers abuse and nastiness.
You don't want any criticism just reinforcing of your poor behaviour.

Thank you yes it is like grooming but the more I raised it the more it was shut down. It was not dealt with. And I don’t know why they were so reluctant to deal with it. I was shouted at and told it was my fault for having a relationship at work but they weren’t acknowledging how many other married couples we work with. Maybe that’s why the younger woman is trying to laugh it off. She is smart but knows the immediate boss won’t deal with it.

As he has no soul he couldn’t be your doul mate.

Tou seem to be struggling with the idea that everything he says is a lie—whether he flatters you or curses you his statements are not “teue” or “false” but situational and made to create an effect. If he wants something from you he will praise you and make some vague promise (“you will meet my family”) but when he is chasing some other woman, or just to enjoy your humiliation, he will demean you.

Stop accepting false coin for real. Stop trying to figure him out. He is predatory and inappropriate and is sexually harassing and abusing women at work. Stop acting like a sheep. Go up the chain, file a complaint, and start standing up for yourself.

I'm reading all now but I am quoting this from you OP with my mouth open screaming NO.

"If he doesn't give a fuck about me, surely that means I'm worthless? I gave him everything - absolutely everything to the point I have nothing left and don't even know who I am now."

@HoolieJem a young person has confided in you. That doesn't make you worthless. That makes her see you as someone safe, someone who she relates to.

Take that and run. Help her, and help you at the same time.

And if you want to take anything from this awful experience, take the fact that a young women thinks enough of you, YOU, to seek refuge and help.

Thank you - I am so fond of her and she is a smart cookie, of course I want her to confide in me and for her to be safe.

@HoolieJem so you are NOT worthless. That is a huge position of trust to be put in. Help her. And yourself.

Hope you can try and have a nice weekend OP.
Don't let this dickhead get you down. He is not worth it.