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Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

130 replies

HoolieJem · 17/01/2025 14:10

I know I have a thread open but I just wanted to query this. As my other thread will have said, I don't have any self esteem and find it hard to ascertain with men especially the inappropriateness of comments or if they are innocent.

I am in my forties and work with a lovely girl who is 25. She approached me earlier to tell me that another male colleague who is in his 50's is always making inappropriate comments to her and when he got a new car, said 'Do you want to come for a spin and I will show you the jizz stains in the back of my car?' She is very smart and doesn't think it's worth bothering about but he has also said to her 'which one of these do I press to make it grow?' in reference to some of the equipment we use. This is going to sound really pathetic I know and I apologise but I did really like this man and because my confidence is shot to hell, not only am I concerned for her but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age. It is likely my lack of self esteem that is making me think this but I found myself being a bit jealous too which I know you will be angry with me for. Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something and what should I do if she mentions it to me again?

Thank you :(

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 18/01/2025 13:02

@HoolieJem I’m sorry you are emotionally in this place with him. He’s using you for sex. He has no feelings for you or anyone but himself. He’s a chancer seeing how far he can push women’s buttons and getting a little thrill out of it.

that said - I’m sorry but given your emotional state and ties to him - you are completely the wrong person to try supporting your coworker.

You also don’t need to ‘dig deeper’ with her. You aren’t HR doing an investigation. You aren’t her line manager (I’m presuming or you would have mentioned it?).

and if it all comes out via HR etc it may appear inappropriate that you tried involving yourself deeper in her issues given your history with him.

Advise her to speak to her manager or HR if she wants it to stop.

You are too emotionally involved and hurting to be the right person to deal with this or her confident at work

And regards his behaviour to you - you were never the issue. It’s just how he is. A User. A future faker. Saying all the right things to get you into bed and lead you on. Then running when emotions show up. Comes back when he wants more sex etc because he knows you have feelings so he will be able to easily draw you in.

Original poster
HoolieJem · 18/01/2025 14:39

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 18/01/2025 12:17

  • This should have quoted your last post*

Absolutely. It's the same way abusers do. No man starts a first date by smacking their date in the face and this man did not start talking about snail trails as you quite rightly would have said seeya and never entertained him again.

I know you love your job but could you love another job as much? Probably. Your peace of mind and distance from this man would be what you would gain

Also consider doing the freedom programme as it will help you identify the red flags in future men.

Edited

Not sure but I do have some goals in mind if I could get past thinking because of this I’m not enough to achieve them.

OP posts:
YankeeDad · 18/01/2025 16:37

HoolieJem · 17/01/2025 16:38

If he doesn't give a fuck about me, surely that means I'm worthless? I gave him everything - absolutely everything to the point I have nothing left and don't even know who I am now. If I was better looking, slimmer - would that change him and how he behaves? Maybe he treated me like this because I'm just not lovable? He told me we never 'made love' all he did was 'f me'. And he said that in front of others. So in my mind there is a perfect princess out there who he wouldn't treat like this. Based on her looks, she'd get the nice version of him and when the younger girl said to me today I did admittedly start to spiral. I know it's hard to understand but he has done so much damage. He told me he'd be there for me as I have no one, and within 24 hours or less had turned into someone I didn't even recognise. And I blame me because I'm a size 16. I know this probably makes no sense. I don't know how anyone can love this face now. He said 'I could walk into any bar and take a girl home, that's all this was', after spending time with me, meals dinner, sex, sharing etc, holiday plans...I have debated whether it's even worth being alive now with this constant confusion and pain. He has known for years how much I felt for him and I was so invested and he just broke my heart. I literally don't understand how I can just be met with so much cruelty when all I ever did was love and care about him.

I'm sorry everyone. But I will do my utmost for this girl.

Edited
Show quote history

If he doesn't give a fuck about me, surely that means I'm worthless?

@HoolieJem I have not RTFT, only your own posts, but this sentence alone is enough to warrant its own response.

The response is very simply NO, that does not mean that you are worthless!

People who make other people feel worthless are not worth the time of day.

I know it is easy to say and difficult to let go - because I have been there myself - but if a person makes you feel worthless, then the healthy response is to get away from them and stay away from them.

BCBird · 14/06/2025 21:09

She needs to report him. He is not good enough for you OP.

FluentOP · 15/06/2025 01:03

HoolieJem · 17/01/2025 14:10

I know I have a thread open but I just wanted to query this. As my other thread will have said, I don't have any self esteem and find it hard to ascertain with men especially the inappropriateness of comments or if they are innocent.

I am in my forties and work with a lovely girl who is 25. She approached me earlier to tell me that another male colleague who is in his 50's is always making inappropriate comments to her and when he got a new car, said 'Do you want to come for a spin and I will show you the jizz stains in the back of my car?' She is very smart and doesn't think it's worth bothering about but he has also said to her 'which one of these do I press to make it grow?' in reference to some of the equipment we use. This is going to sound really pathetic I know and I apologise but I did really like this man and because my confidence is shot to hell, not only am I concerned for her but my mind is muddled thinking I'm not good enough for him because he's saying that to her, even though he's twice her age. It is likely my lack of self esteem that is making me think this but I found myself being a bit jealous too which I know you will be angry with me for. Does he sound like a catch like I'm missing something and what should I do if she mentions it to me again?

Thank you :(

He is a creep who should be reported to HR. I wouldn’t want to associate with someone like him

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