Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

I was wondering the same thing. I think at least some of this is about perceptions of so-called girl code.

...and to add to this, I bet none of the men in the office have been complained about or hauled in front of the boss for not being warm and fluffy enough. They're probably allowed to get on and do their jobs.

I am not getting a jealous vibe from the OP at all I'm getting a fucking leave me alone vibe, I do not care about other people who are so pathetic that they need to be acknowledged just because that's what they expect. I wouldn't give a shit if anyone asked me how I was or if I was feeling better because why would I lol. I'm also not getting the vibe that the OP is going around during work hours being nasty and spiteful but told her manager that she doesn't care about the other colleague who is obviously used to people giving her attention and complains when she doesn't get it.
I hate all this "just pretend to be nice and ask how she is because it's the right thing to do" I am actually on the spectrum and probably do come across as cold sometimes because I can't do all the fake shit.

Wow. You come across as judgemental and rude

No, it says that OP knows that the men in the office don't expect false pleasantries from others. Nobody would be telling a man that he has to be all, how are you, so glad you're feeling better, I'm so sorry you were ill...
They don't tend to do that and nobody complains. OP is in trouble because she's not acting stereotypically female enough.

OP, you don’t have to be in your coworkers’ pockets outside work, but part of being professional is being friendly at work.

No bootlicking, just smiling, appearing warm, and laughing at the occasional shared joke. If you don’t want to do that, fine, but don’t imagine you are in the right when multiple co-workers say that you are not being friendly.

I can’t say that I much like workplaces where they claim to be s ‘family’, but rubbing along nicely with colleagues is essential for maintaining happiness at work.

You say 'i don't think about work', I don't care about anyone at work, yet you've spent a fair bit of time describing your colleague. I don't believe you don't care.

Maybe you should go and get a job with robots so you don't have to have any human interactions in your job.

You're very dismissive, OP. It's not a good thing to be a poor fit in an organisation because you're marking yourself out as 'different' and not in an acceptable way. Your boss has asked you to 'think about this conversation'. You'd be wise to do that.

People are many things, flawless they are not - including you. People who work with others, if they are intelligent, will make reasonable adjustments to fit in. People who are lacking cognisance will shrug their shoulders, pass the blame yet look for validation where nobody can give it - like on a chatboard.

It's up to you. You can make your work life difficult and unpleasant if you want to, nobody cares.

OP will probably end up getting managed out so this may not be a problem for much longer.

I assure you, as a ND person this is not the simple thing you seem to think it is

Oh god forbid anyone is "different"! Can't have individuals in the workplace who are simply good at their job and get their shit done. They have to play your game as well.

So much blaming of OP here yet she hasn't done anything wrong.

I would love go and speak to the colleague. Tell her you believe she made a complaint because you didn't enquire after her health when she was off. Tell her that it upset you (if she's so needy she will believe everyone is) but that you are a private person who would be mortified if someone pryed into your business and that you didn't mean anything by it but would rather keep work and outside of work separate and not be judged on whether you ask colleagues personal questions or not. Confirm your manager has said you did nothing wrong and walk away with your head held high.

Exactly this. I've seen it play out. As @feistyoneyouare said, it's "girl code". The OP is not adhering to it. Then gets accused on this thread of trying to suck up to the blokes! Nasty.

@SwanRivers
Wow you really really like to create whole scenarios in your head don't you.
That's peculiar.

What on earth?! I can relate to your personality OP, I would very much be the same as you have described. I think it’s awfully strange that your manager is not putting golden colleague in her place? We are not all sunshine and rainbows 😅

I am gonna say you are correct. When I greet the men, it's good morning, good evening, have a good weekend and we talk about the job at hand and what needs to be done. Men focus on the work at hand and trying to find solutions to problems and solve them.

Just like my interactions with the women, My interactions with the men are strictly professional but they do not mind. The men never bothers me. They are polite but they focus on getting work done and that's that.

The people who complained about me are some of the women that associated with the golden colleague.

I am exactly the same as you op but my co workers constantly try and get me to go out on works nights out,they wouldn’t leave me alone so I had to tell them that I just don’t enjoy being around more than a couple of people at any one time.

@SwanRivers
The very fact that people complained that the OP didn't ask after the colleague is evidence enough that they are weird.
Complaining about a colleague is a pretty big thing. Not something professional or mindful people do at the drop of a hat. Complaint because someone didn't ask after someone's health is beyond peculiar. Tells me all I need to know.

It's not just one colleague though, is it? Multiple colleagues are complaining/commenting.

Rule of thumb: If it's one person, it's probably them. If it's multiple people then look into it because at the root of the issue, it's probably you.

I don't enjoy fraternising with colleagues much, I do it as little as possible, but I can play 'chameleon' with the best of them and it works.

I would find it hard to work with someone who just comes in, sits at their desk, works and then goes home without much more than a hi and good bye. It would just make the whole office athmosphere stiff and unfriendly. I also work in a creative field and it's very unusual for people to not be open to getting to know others, it's through connections and reputation we get work usually. I also wouldn't like it as an employer as it gives the place a chilly vibe and that's not normally what people are looking for in a workplace. Maybe you should be a consultant instead and work for yourself?

I really feel for you, particularly as something similar happened to me when I was on a placement. I think that your management has handled this really badly and now you’ll feel self conscious every time you do or don’t interact. If they feel you’re not integrating or being friendly then it’s up to them to do something about it. My recollection is that teams perform less well when they all feel cosy together

How did you meet your 'real friends' and what makes them so deserving of your friendship when people you see 5 days a week don't even merit basic niceties?

It's just such a weird mindset to me. If you treated everyone like you treated your colleagues, how did you ever make any friends? How do you know that one of your colleagues might be exactly your sort of person, someone whom you would gel perfectly with and become very close if you had met them in any other context, if you refuse to even ask them if they had a good weekend?

I just find it really weird on here when people outright dismiss the very idea of being friends with colleagues. If you work with someone the likelihood is you have a similar interest in whatever your profession is, often live in the same area (less likely now more people WFH but doesn't seem to apply in OPs case), might be of a similar age, likely to have the same educational qualifications, see each other frequently, have many of the same acquaintances (other colleagues) in common...quite a lot of potential commonalities to base a relationship, even if just a friendly working one, rather than a close friendship, on.

Whereas something like a hobby you might only have one thing in common, and only see each other for an hour a week. School or uni friends you literally happen to have just been born within the same year, and/or randomly assigned the same accommodation. Yet these are apparently 'good' places to form lifelong friendships while work isn't. I don't agree with work being like your family, and don't start every job with the expectation I'll meet my new "besties", but this outright dismissiveness at the mere possibility of being anything other than just colleagues seems illogical.

Oh it bugs me when people immediately jump to autism just because OP isn't faking being overly friendly. I am autistic, by the way, so I don't see it as an insult.

OP is professional, polite/cordial and does her job. Nothing more is required.

If she were going around saying 'I don't care that you are ill, so what, stop whining' then that'd be different. She's not. She doesn't have to care about her colleagues, she doesn't have to fawn over them, or enquire about their health/wellbeing.

In a professional environment, friendship is not necessary. Polite work related interactions are and if anyone, neurodivergent or not, doesn't feel the need to interact over and above that then they don't have to.

Colleague feels OP is cold/indifferent. Ok it's her right to have that view, if she wants. OP feels colleague is needy and what she's asking for is interaction above what is required to be professional. That's fine too.

No need for manager involvement.

@OhBling

These are normal reactions. It's not normal to be so completely indifferent to people around you. So either you really do dislike her actively (as comes through on this thread) or you really are completely indifferent to the vast bulk of people around you which is, frankly, quite unusual and a bit sad.
This is about the most ignorant about ND comment that I've read in a long time.
'Normal'?
Why not just go ahead and call ND people freaks why don'tcha

Sounds like she has her boss dangling at her beg and call and attention seeking. I worked at a place where speaking to someone at the next desk was a rarity, very odd place, but did not bother me I just kept busy.

It is not compulsory to be social. neither do I want/need to know about her medical (piles or a sexual disease) problems but obviously she wants the attention but you cant do it for everyone