Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Again, it's not about "not being chatty enough".

When you work with other people around you you have to be polite and friendly, you can't pretend they don't exist and not acknowledge them.other than for work matters. It is common courtesy to say
' nice to see you back, hope you're well' whether you like her or not. It costs nothing to comment on mundane things like the weather or the traffic as you settle down to work. If you can't do this then you need to find a job where you work alone because ignoring your colleagues causes an unpleasant atmosphere and it's not right, even though you think it is.

On the surface it is. Beneath it is bullying, probably perpetuated by racism, or just simple workplace mobbing.

It is a dynamic where there are a group of women led by one who made the complaint against the OP. The OP is a different race, she's also female, she may be introverted, and she is very good at her job. That sets her up as a prime target for workplace bullying. And her manager went along with it to make his life easy. Or he also may like the adulation of the group of women and their leader. Or it could be both. The woman leader likes adoration and being in power to make the OP's life difficult.

The solution is to be in a union, and when you are called in by your boss to be dressed down, ask if your rep can attend the meeting with you. I will guarantee you that one meeting with a rep who knows employment law and the boss, and this sort of nonsense will usually stop.

That's a lot better than have to suck up to a colleague who likes being adored, and whose boss likes the attention of this colleague or doesn't know how to manage.

If you like to chat whilst doing your work about non-work, that's an individual choice. It is not the basis of a reprimand or an attempt to get someone fired, or workplace mobbing. Then that gets problematic.

She isn't ignoring her colleagues. She says good morning and interacts about work matters and does her job well.

Your co-workers don't know what to do with you. They want you to fit into the box and you have your arms and legs spread out. You can keep going as you are and they will eventually get used to you, or you can take a little of the chill off over time and who knows, you may learn that you actually like your co-workers.

Right, they want her to be in a box all right. They want her to accept that is it Ok she be dressed down for not asking about a colleague's health. They may not know what to do with her because she is of a different culture.

I suggest folks go to the ACAS site and read about this stuff, if anything to protect themselves

By law (Equality Act 2010), bullying behaviour can be harassment if it relates to any of the following 'protected characteristics':

• age
• disability
• gender reassignment
• race
• religion or belief
• sex
• sexual orientation

Bullying that's not classed as harassment could still lead to other legal issues. For example, severe bullying might contribute towards constructive dismissal. If she is the only black female in the office and the only one held to "chatty standards" she may have a case.
It can be a one off such as the boss dressing down OP.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

What, no pleasantries at all? It does sound rather joyless.

I tend to put my head down and get on with it at work, but I am not above passing the time of day with a workmate.

I don’t subscribe to the, quite frankly odd and unfriendly, mumsnet edict that you can’t or shouldn’t make friends at work. Our best man was one of DH’s workmates and DD’s godfather is a friend that DH made at work. DD stayed on in her university city to work when all her peers moved back home. She would have been pretty lonely if she hadn’t made friends with her workmates.

Wanting to be friendly with your workmates doesn't make you needy. Doesn't it make for a much nicer atmosphere and better teamwork if everyone gets on with each other? Why are some posters so morally superior about not needing to be friendly with their colleagues? I don't understand it.

Having said that the "golden worker" sounds rather irritating. I won't pander to queen bees either but the OP really does sound rather cold towards her colleagues.

You might be much happier being a designer in a larger corporate and you'll probably get paid 4 x more as well- i think small design studios do feel quite intimate which might not be a good fit for you

yup a lot of personal feelings and pain in this post which point to a different story than you are just here to do the job, have lots of friends, dont need to have even friendly relationships at work. ? really?

Not one single person has said you shouldn't make friends at work. Not one.
Just some of us making the point that you don't have to.

This thread is eye opening. So many needy, fake people who simply can't cope with someone being professional and polite but uninterested in them at work! This bizarre demand for everyone else to make you feel comfortable with absolutely no care about what makes them comfortable....and then wittering about it being manners and decency, when ita clearly anything but.

Who knew there were so many needy, self absorbed, rigid people in Britain's workplaces, using work as self validation.

I don’t think you’re a good fit for this workplace. But as you say you enjoy it, have you considered that, just maybe, you enjoy the friendliness of the team there, even if you don’t join in? And maybe you’d like it even more if you showed just a little interest in your colleagues? And they’d certainly like you more

Your disdain for the other women in the office is blatantly obvious on this thread. It probably comes across in real life as well.

I feel as though this is the manager not managing the different personality types in his team properly. Teams can work really well with different personalities if they are all given the chance to be comfortable with their own way of doing things - within reason - but I'm taking the OP's word for it that she's being pleasant and polite to everyone while drawing the line at friendly.

You basically need team members with at least two of three main 'needs' for an efficient work place. Very skilled, hard working, gets on with everyone/pleasant to be around.

When you get all three in an employee then you do have a golden employee. Most people are better at two of the three, those who only seem able to offer one of three don't last very long in most teams.

Good teams often have a mix of people offering different combinations of those and it's up to the manager to make that mix work.

You might recognise the types:

Brilliant at the technical skill of the job and very hard working. Doesn't want to be social with the team at all.

Brilliant at an essential skill and very pleasant to work with - helps the team cohesiveness but not a very hard worker. (these people pull something spectacular out of the bag just enough to make up for being a bit lazy)

Very hard worker, very pleasant team player who's always ready to pick up the slack or sub a shift. Not the best at the skill side but the other two make up for it.

OP sounds like she is both very good at her job and a hard worker. She won't be fired from this job because she's valuable because of that.

If I were you though OP I'd learn to fake a little of the 'friendly team member' persona if you can bear it - you spend a considerable portion of your weekly hours around these people and you never know when you might need a favour for something.

Why are you accepting the OP saying she is polite and professional when the way she talks about the women she works with on this thread is full if disdain and misogyny?

Not one single person has said you shouldn't make friends at work. Not one

Colleagues are not my friends, I interact about work and that's it. I don't want to know about their lives, it's not important to me.

I don't go to work to make friends

no wish to be friends beyond the workplace

Nobody has to be friends with colleagues

I'm not here to make friends

I picked these ^^ just from the first page of posts. While they don't state you shouldn't make friends, it is implied, and it is often said on other similar threads.

Who knew there were so many needy, self absorbed, rigid people in Britain's workplaces, using work as self validation.

That is a pretty unpleasant observation. You sound rather bitter. Wanting to be friendly or even friends with people you work with is not needy. Do you not understand how being friendly to your work colleagues improves the atmosphere in the office? I feel that you are projecting here.

I think she just sounds exasperated and isn't one of those people who care as much about social 'stroking'. As a manager I'd be more than happy to have someone like that if they are delivering their deadlines.

I hope that the manager also spoke to the complainers and explained that sometimes people are used to different cultural cues and interactions and that the most important thing was being able to work together to get the job done, so everyone should give each other a bit of grace. If you consider it from the other side OP is one person trying to get on with their job and a work clique are policing her non-work words and facial expressions because she doesn't fit their expectations of how a woman should be in the workplace.

I do think the OP would benefit professionally if she did fake a little more interest in her coworkers - it's hard for some people if it doesn't come naturally.

I have someone like this on my team and it doesn’t concern me in the slightest. I don’t worry that she doesn’t like me. We will have the odd chat but she’s happy to come in, do a good job and keep herself to herself.

there are some that will always comment that she’s quiet but I don’t see why it’s a problem - it doesn’t effect her work as she communicates effectively when she needs to.

I think it’s possibly a cultural difference as she’s not English and the typical “hiya Brenda, how are you? Good weekend? How’s the family? What are you having for tea? What are you doing this weekend?” constant small talk is very English or British. I hear it constantly in my office.

No one cares about someone being quiet. But it is the disdain that stands out.

Yeah, you know what, having read a few more of OP's posts, it's pretty clear she doesn't like women much.

But the golden colleague's group of bootlickers are all women.

She doesn't get any attention from the men. And frankly I get along better with the men then most women at my work place.

It could be this is a toxic workplace with a female clique running the show and an ineffectual male manager. Wouldn't be unheard of. But it also sounds like OP has a problem with other women in general, and gravitates towards men, while maintaining that the men (and women who prefer to be around men) are superior and being disparaging about female colleagues. AKA, that "I'm not like the other girls" vibe.

The women in the office clique are unreasonable to expect that everyone will be like them. But it's also unpleasant to feel that a colleague is actively disdainful of you.

If this was Reddit, I'd probably go with "everybody sucks here" as an answer!

I have known the kind of colleague OP is. Clearly disdainful of the women, and friendly to the men.
I do not have friends at work usually, but I am not disdainful of the women I work with either.
And for the record, men do ask after each other and each others families. At least the men I have worked with always do.

You say you don't dislike her and your feelings are neutral yet over and over again you talk about her in ways that are anything but neutral. You are not coming across as neutral at all. Your posts read like you can't stand her and I'd be very surprised if this doesn't come across IRL. You can be polite and professional and make polite small talk without being a bootliker. It's not all or nothing.

Trying to picture my bosses face if I went to her and told her my working environment was uncomfortable because one co-worker in the entire room was cold and aloof with me

Several people have pointed out that having a modicum of social etiquette is a standard expectation in the workplace and doesn't cost very much. You have dismissed all comments of this nature so you are just going to have to accept that you are the outlier. There's a lot you don't care about so you might as well add so-called neediness' to your list!

Sorry to be judgemental, but you make yourself sound like a really "cold fish" with little to no empathy for anyone you work with.

You don't needt t, or have any obligation to, "buddy buddy" with every workplace colleagues.

But I ( personally) think that, like it or not, a workplace is a "community of sorts" ( I would agree that, at least in most workplaces that I have been in, calling it a "family" is pushing it a bit far!)

As such I do think that all "members/participants" in that "community" do have at least a, possibly minimal depending on the environment, responsibility to interact with that community in at the very least a "non-disruptive" way.

If you're seen as being aloof or standoffish by your colleagues then that is definitely not a good thing a d is not good for the office atmosphere and productivity.

Please note that what you consider "non disruptive" may in fact actually be perceived by others as quite the opposite - which seems to be the case here based on your post content.

It would also seem, from what you say, that there is obvious,y some heartfelt animosity (jealousy? 😈) that you hold for the "golden girl" (God rest their souls 😇) that might be amplifying your reactions.

Anyhow, you need to at least have some empathy for those around you and make some effort to not seem so "standoffish" in the office.

I would suggest that if you feel unwilling or unable to try to fit in a bit better then perhaps you might be better suited to some sort of remote working option, whether by arrangement with this employer or by seeking another post elsewhere with that option?

Hopefully you can get this situation under control and just move on, as part of your workplace,ace "community". 🙂

Jim

OPs obvious disdain will be apparent. It is aimed at one woman in particular, but she also speaks negatively about the other women too.
If a colleague is being constantly disdainful towards you, it would be pretty horrible.