Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

@BeAzureAnt how can anyone on here know that either way?

It's possible, of course. It's equally possible that OP just doesn't gel with her co-workers for a totally different reason.

Ok, if that works for you in your office environment, that's fine.

However, would you want to have been pulled up by your boss because you didn't ask about your colleague's health? See, I think that is over the top, and possibly connected to OP's race. I don't think it is about introversion in her case.

I'm banging on about this, because this whole thread may be really indicative of a problem that has been documented in British workplaces...namely discrimination against women of colour. She was told earlier she was autistic, which seemed baseless. It is uncomfortable to think about, and very few people on this thread willl consider it, and some have gotten defensive about it. That tells me maybe we hit the crux of the matter, I don't know.

Whatever the case, I'd suggest to the OP that she keep a diary of incidents like this, join a union and see a rep to protect herself. I was a rep for years in my previous workplace, and sat through a couple tribunals and redundancy meetings, also casework. Being in a union might make her life easier anyhow...her boss and colleagues might be a little more careful about stuff.
OP, I wish you the best.

@thepariscrimefiles I'm not sure I buy the idea that nobody is allowed to ask anyone anything just in case it might make them uncomfortable.

It's part of life to feel uncomfortable sometimes and to have to do things you don't actually give a toss about - in fact, I'd argue that it's a fairly essential skill when you live and work with other people.

I've had multiple conversations over the years that I couldn't give two shits about - with customers, colleagues, neighbours and strangers I bump into out with the dog - I just consider them a normal part of living in a society that includes who aren't the same as me.

If you can't bring yourself to make a bit of small talk with people you spend 8 hours a day with, maybe it's not the job for you 🤷‍♀️

Anti social and cold are ridiculous reasons to complain. Seriously, if you are that bothered by one persons indifference (other than a quick hi/bye and necessary conversation around a piece of work or a project) when everyone else at work is your bestie then perhaps you are the problem.

Any need to escalate this discomfort you feel is verging on bullying.

We're all adults - some people are different and we have to deal with that.

That the OP has had repeated comments about being cold and antisocial and now a complaint to management about her attitude to co-workers means this situation isn’t OK for either the workplace at large nor for the OP.

She is coming across as rude. That makes productive work relationships more difficult. It may not be her intention, but it’s how her behaviour is perceived.

She doesn’t have to be pally or intrusive, she doesn’t need to make friends. Observing a few social niceties is something all of us have to do to get along without friction in society.

The issue for the OP is whether that’s an accommodation she’s prepared to make or whether she’s better suited to finding a different work environment.

”Nice to see you back,” to a colleague who’s been off for any reason is neither intrusively questioning nor sucking up to a “needy golden child”. It’s just polite small talk. Oiling social wheels and so on.

You got called in by the manager for not blowing smoke up some attention-seeker’s arse? wtf? Glad I’m out of the workplace for good now

My concern was for the member of staff returning from sick leave who might feel uncomfortable about being asked about their health, depending on the reason for their sick leave.

Some people are good at small talk and others are not. There should be room for introverts and extroverts in a working environment, as long as both of them are doing their jobs.

I have managed large teams of people, and everyone brings different skills and qualities to the table. Some staff have been very quiet and don't join in with the small talk, but are polite when spoken to and very hard working.

You come across as dismissive and disrespectful with your choice of language (eg 'bootlickers'). Just because you don't use such language in the office doesn't mean others don't pick up on your underlying attitude. You have taken on the popular colleague and so it is understandable why you have caused so much upset, it is a bid for power by you whether conscious or unconscious. You are also at risk of being accused of bullying because refusing to engage with others' pleasantries is a form of withholding and it's pretty unpleasant to be around. You have a clear choice - either leave and find a company with a different atmosphere and culture or change your own behaviour to fit in. It sounds unlikely that you will be able to bring everyone round to your way of thinking at this company. Do be aware though that you may find the same issues at the next company and if you do that would be good evidence that it might be you who is the problem.

You sound like a very considerate manager, much better than some I've worked for in the past! Thankfully they're great where I am now, but I've worked for some real prize turkeys in my time.

Personally, my line manager aside, I wouldn't be comfortable with questions about my health at work beyond 'Are you feeling better now?/Oh, good' - I think the question does carry a risk of making people feel like they have to go into the ins and outs of what's actually been wrong with them. Some people will ask out of concern, true, but some people are just nosey hens, let's face it.

@thepariscrimefiles introversion just means you recharge your batteries by being alone, it doesn't mean being rude to people and not partaking in normal day to day conversations.

That is not the definition of an introvert.

Not joining in with small talk is not being rude. If someone asks you a direct question and you ignore them or give an impolite or snappy response, that is being rude.

The trouble is, people have different definitions of the appropriate level of feigning interest and making small talk.

‘Mooooorning X! How are yoooou?
‘Not bad, thanks, Y, how are you?’
‘Ooh, isn’t it rainy?’
’Yes, it is, winter’s definitely here now!’
‘Oooh did you watch I’m A Celebrity! Did you see the bit where Z was farting in her sleep? Oh my days...’
‘Oh, no, I didn’t catch that… I’ve not really been following it...’
‘Ooh what you got for your lunch? Naughty, naughty, what’s that cake doing there, I thought you were on a diet?’
‘Nope, I never said that. What are you having, anything nice?’
‘Oooh look at this painting my 3-year-old did for me to keep on my desk! Isn’t it cute?’
‘Aww, yes, that’s cute.’
‘What’s wrong? You don’t seem to be feeling very chatty today, you’re just sitting there getting on with your work…’
‘No, I’m fine thanks, just got a lot to get through today.’
‘Are you su-ure? Are you not feeling well? Turn that frown upside down! Ooh, I know what’ll cheer you up, you’ll never believe what my 3-year-old said in the bath last night…’
X attempts to keep smile on face without physically gritting teeth

Y, later that day:
‘Oh, Mrs Manager, I’m really starting to feel like X hates me. She’s just not one of the girls… she never wants to chat, she never asks me how my 3-year-old is, she won’t tell me what she’s got in her sandwiches, doesn’t want to talk about what’s on telly, just wants to sit there getting on with her work all the time. I don’t know what I've done to make her dislike me so much. She’s just not a team player at all…’

OK, so I exaggerated for dramatic effect, but you get what I’m saying. (And before I’m accused of misogyny, I’m talking about a particular kind of female colleague, who does exist, let’s not pretend. And of course I realise men are just as capable of banging on annoyingly as Y.)

Yep. Not everyone wants to chat at work. Nothing wrong with that. Some find small talk tedious.

Not everyone wants to spend their day chatting with co-workers, showing pictures of holidays, children, their latest garden ornament, etc.

@thepariscrimefiles yes, it is - it's just there are other definitions too.

Whatever the definition, being introverted isn't a reason to opt out of basic social niceties. Asking someone if they're feeling better after being off sick is one of those niceties.

You don't actually have to care but the polite thing to do is ask. The fact that there are people on here who think that it's rude or weird to do that is utterly baffling to me. I'm incredibly introverted myself but would always acknowledge that someone has been unwell and say I hope they're okay.

@feistyoneyouare there's a massive difference between refusing to make any small talk whatsoever and not wanting to discuss I'm a Celebrity - I'm not really sure why some people are trying to act like it's all or nothing.

That is the definition of introvert — someone who needs to recharge in solitude. Someone who, whether or not they enjoy socialising, doesn’t get replenished by it the way an extrovert would.

Introversion does not mean misanthropic, shy, socially anxious, or someone who doesn’t enjoy other people’s compony. You will not necessarily be able to tell a well-rested introvert from an extrovert in a social situation. The introvert could be the one dominating the conversation.

I’m a sociable introvert. My friendships are hugely important to me, and I enjoy socialising, but I do need more alone time than most people.

I’m not a work chatter, partly because of the nature of the job, but I’m more than capable of the kind of friendly greetings or occasional corridor interaction the OP feels is beneath her.

There is a difference, I agree. But I think it can be problematic when people condemn colleagues for not being sociable enough by their own standards, if their own standards are that of the extreme extrovert.

I once had a very extrovert manager preface a sentence in an appraisal about the quality of my work, with Although very quiet... which as well as being irrelevant to the question being asked, was also simply untrue. There were several of us in the team who were less chatty than the others, but we were still pretty chatty ourselves. I challenged this as I felt the statement was based on my manager's subjective mindset, obviously I didn't say that to her 😄but I did say it was untrue and upon discussion she agreed and changed it. But a less extravagantly talkative manager probably wouldn't have had that perception of me in the first place.

@feistyoneyouare I'm not sure I would count asking people "are you feeling better?" as being sociable by any standard, tbh. It's just basic courtesy, no matter how introverted you claim to be.

I agree that there can be an issue when someone gets involved but is just generally quieter than everyone else, but I really don't think it's realistic to think you can work in team environment and just shut yourself off from any kind of social interaction.

I agree and I would ask someone if they were feeling better too (provided it was common knowledge they'd been off sick, obviously.) But I do wonder if some people would take the hump if a colleague just left it there and didn't ask any more questions, because let's face it some people do seem to think the world revolves around them.

Maybe they would, but OP admits she didn't even bother asking, so it's not really relevant I don't think - there's enough "whataboutery" on this thread as it is, lol.

It's not basic courtesy at all. It's rude.

If someone's off work how do you know they're off sick as opposed to injured or bereaved or having a crisis? How do you know if it's something they can get better from?
What if you work with 20 people and they ALL ask you if you're feeling better now and you're it and you don't want to have to answer them truthfully or lie to them?

Some people need to take their "basic courtesy" and shove it up their hole.

You sound as tho you set yourself "apart". You sound very cold and analytical, as though you have no investment in interpersonal relations.
This is likely reflected in your colleagues complaints against you. Frankly I'd see you as "standoffish", as considering yourself better than them.

It costs nothing to be pleasant make everyones day better and jolly along.

@DowntonFlabbie speaking of rude…

Or possibly that she's anti social and cold?

Nothing wrong with doing your job and doing it well, and not engaging in chit chat with colleagues. There is something very wrong with a boss dressing her down for not saying "I hope you feel better" to a colleague.

Do you think people from Africa face no racism and are treated completely equally in UK society, along with other foreigners who immigrate here?