Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Are sensible, tolerant answers like this allowed on this thread?

Of course I did not miss that
Did you miss the parts of this thread about experiences not being universal?
Although dog lovers not understanding that many people do not like dogs is pretty universal ...

Did you miss the parts of this thread about experiences not being universal?
No I didn't and I don't think I suggested they were. Why would I. I wasnt talking about offices and teams up and down the land. I was saying how our team works. Of course offices are different 🙄 I also understand that not everyone loves dogs. However I'm pleased that i work in a team where everyone does and is a dog owner and we are allowed to bring them in and have a dog treat cupboard!

For heaven’s sake, saying ‘How are you feeling?’ to a colleague who’s just back from a week of being off work and getting ‘Better, thanks’ in return is in no way ‘asking them about personal things’, unless you’re the kind of person who is so socially maladroit you take ‘How are you?’ as meaning ‘Give me your entire medical history.’

This is one of those situations where the OP, and those who agree with her, imagine that far more is being asked for than what actually is. No one is requiring the OP to be bosom buddies with the ‘golden coworker’ whose popularity she so resents, or with any of her colleagues, only to behave in a less chilly and dismissive manner. Which may not be what she intends to project, but it’s how it’s being received by her colleagues.

That's all absolutely fine, if that works for you. And for them.
But if you worked with someone who just wanted to say hello and goodbye and only really talk to you about work...why would that make any difference to you?
Why can't they just do that, while you work your way?

That's all absolutely fine, if that works for you. And for them.
But if you worked with someone who just wanted to say hello and goodbye and only really talk to you about work...why would that make any difference to you?

It wouldn't make any difference to me but I have never worked with anyone ever that has not talked! ( sometimes too much) i must admit sometimes the office does get a bit loud but at least it's friendly and you don't feel like you've walked into a morgue.

I think it is probably the nature of my work where people need to have friendly personalities to do the job and as a natural consequence they are friendly with their colleagues, which certainly makes the day easier when you are working with them for 12 hours. After all there's only so much work stuff you can talk about.
I cant imagine someone doing the chippy run at teatime for us and then eating in silence!

Snow ahh of course.

So I guess in that case OP could fake it if she wanted to. So the twat of a manger and his family don't have an excuse.

So depressing isn't it - comply or else. Even if you're just pretending.

Sounds like a bloody horrible place to work.

@DowntonFlabbie you can't guarantee anything unless you know all my ex-colleagues and have managed to speak to them all in person about it.

I also very much doubt they were uncomfortable considering every single one of them would check in with me as well 🤷‍♀️

Honestly, what kind of world are we living in when asking "are you feeling better" makes people uncomfortable and is considered weird or odd

I'm glad it's not my world, that's for sure.

Exactly @HardlyLikely - I mean, I ask the people on the checkout in Tesco how they are, just as I ask people I bump into on a dog walk. I'm not asking about their medical history nor do I want to know about it - it's just basic manners and decency to ask things like that.

I can't imagine living in a society where that's considered abnormal - it must be very lonely.

You're so confused. You can't appreciate that people are different. OP has friends and family and gets in well with people. She just doesn't want to make friends at work or talk to them about non work things.

Why are people finding this so hard to understand?

It's NOT basic manners and decency to ask people about their health when they've been off work, it's weird, but if you and they are ok with it it's fine..it's also fine to not ask when you don't want to.know.

She doesn't have to be their friend.

I'm not friends with the person on the checkout in Tesco but I still speak to them and exchange pleasantries because it's polite to treat people as though they're something more than a robot.

. YOU like to chat and exchange pleasentries, others dont. There is nothing polite about forcing your likes on them.

Are you always so unable to appreciate.the viewpoints of others? You must come across as incredibly rude.

But what kind of world do we have someone pulled up by management for not asking "are you feeling better?" I'm glad that was not my workplace. That would have been seen as a piece of tosh for making a complaint.

Whatever you say @DowntonFlabbie - all I know is that I'm very glad not to live in your world, that's for sure 👌

@BeAzureAnt but that was just one of many examples where OP's manner has been commented on - this isn't a one off.

I'm not seeing this in her comments. I'm finding it interesting that no one will acknowledge this stuff is going on because OP is African...

I hate to say it, but I really wonder sometimes it is because she won't defer to a white woman's desire to be acknowledged/adored.

@BeAzureAnt it's in her first post that it's been brought up multiple times before.

@BeAzureAnt she says "Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated."

Me and my friends come from similar backgrounds. I was born in the UK but I am Nigerian descent and all of my friends are also Africans. Just from different countries in the African continent. So I tend to gravitate towards Africans and Caribbean diasporas living in the UK.

Can you imagine this in a different state...

'I'm white all my friends are white I tend to prefer to hang out with white people.'

I do get where OP is coming from, you go to work to work and earn money not to make friends. In most places there tends to be a level of interaction that helps the team get along.

Are those complaints possibly out of racism?

ermm...tending to gravitate towards people from your own culture isn't racism. She didn't say Oh, I only hang out with people of a certain colour. Making baseless complaints about those from other cultures at work, is.

Exactly. Hilarious when white people mostly hang out with white people in this country as well!

I think there is truth in this.

But not everyone would want to be asked. What if the reason for the sick leave was a miscarriage or mental health issues and the person just wanted to come back to work with no questions asked?

A manager should definitely check in when a member of staff returns from sick leave and the people in the office who are close to the person would also do this, but a three line whip where everybody has to ask the returning person if they feel better sounds intrusive and inappropriate to me.

No one is requiring the OP to be bosom buddies with the ‘golden coworker’ whose popularity she so resents, or with any of her colleagues, only to behave in a less chilly and dismissive manner. Which may not be what she intends to project, but it’s how it’s being received by her colleagues.

That. As I've said on several posts, I'm very private and somewhat introverted. I didn't share much with my colleagues, but it didn't stop me showing interest in them. I know it's what other people like and that it oils the wheels of cooperation and approachability. So yes, asking 'are you feeling a bit better?', 'did you have a nice holiday?' or 'how is your son after his accident yesterday?' is something I learned to do, without demanding details. My colleagues didn't have to be friends, but I did think it only reasonable to recognise them as people with their own stresses and concerns out of work.