Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

It depends on the culture in the particular office, but I see your point. Ultimately the only person that is going to suffer in the OPs scenario is the OP in the long-term. I can't address social inequalities but I can offer my considered thoughts on the OPS post. Who incidentally, I do not know the sex of!

Who incidentally, I do not know the sex of!

Well if I was told off for not asking a colleague (not someone I was managing) coming back from sick leave if they were feeling better then I would seriously wonder if I had become a woman.

You might want to expand your social circle a little. Doing so may help how you get on with others whom are different to you - which does include the workplace.

It's a known fact that we all have an innate tendency to group with those like ourselves - but that can lead to (or even be as a result of) unconscious bias which can impact how we interact with others, our attitudes and ability to socialise well, ultimately. I must say if the shoe was on the other foot, there'd be a few eyebrows raised there. I genuinely can't imagine for example say, being European descent, but being born and raised in Africa, and only mixing socially with those of European descent - I'm sure I'm going to get an absolute flagging for this, but I need to call it as I see it. (FYI I've no doubt it happens, and I think it's equally as strange and not quite right). Anybody can make the choices they wish to make of course.

I'm very straight talking and no nonsense at the best of times, but you do come across very unpleasant in the tone of your posts. I imagine that in reality, this will have something to do with co-workers complaining about your demeanour in the workplace.

I must admit that I do get the impression from your posts that you think you're right, and nothing any one else is going to say, is going to change this.

You have obvious strong dislike for the woman, which in itself is absolutely fine. It's not absolutely fine to make others uncomfortable in the work place as as result of that. You absolutely went out of your way not to ask her if she was better, or even comment 'glad you're feeling better now', to make a point, because everyone else did.

Interacting with colleagues when we can't really be arsed and just want to get on with work can be a bit annoying, but it is somewhat of an expectation to be able to socially mix appropriately.

Your boss had pulled you up. I'd do something about it since they are senior to you. You don't need to be sunshine and rainbows, to join in the with the team a bit more.

I'm afraid I find you very transparent, OP, and I can see what the problem is here.

No they weren't pulled up for not saying 'I hope you feel better' to a colleague, it was an example used by management. The issue absolutely will be deeper running than this. It sounds like a lot of people are feeling uncomfortable.

There may well be a dose of racism. There is absolutely nothing in this thread that suggests OP's colleagues are racist, other than the fact you know OP is of African descent. They don't seem to have a problem with wishing to mix with the OP at all, and in fact, clearly want to, a little more. It's the OP whom has stated themselves that all of their friends are only of African descent. That's their choice of course, but seems a little odd in that case to suggest their colleagues are racists. It's not them stating they only have friends of their own descent.

And 'complaint' could literally, as I've often seen in the workplace, just mean that it's been mentioned, to, or in the presence, of a manager/boss. It doesn't mean this was raised as an official complain to management.

The OP's stance on working relationships may seem extreme to a lot of us, but I have worked in offices with lots of outside work friendships and it did impact the work rate of many of them (lots of chat, going for lots of cups of tea together) and out of work conflicts and fallings out were brought into the office requiring management intervention. Also, if you get cliques of people in the office who are really friendly with each other, sometimes other members of staff can feel excluded.

There should be a happy medium, but I do think that there should be room for more reserved members of staff, as long as they aren't directly rude to other members of staff and it doesn't affect their work. OP says good morning and talks to colleagues about work matters. As most of the office have enquired about the colleague's health on her return to work, why should it matter if OP didn't do this? The exception to this would be if OP was being too aloof and reserved with clients but there has been no mention of this.

I think that if colleagues are complaining that OP didn’t say I hope you feel better, or that was the example used by management, that is digging pretty deep to find something they think might stick. Why is that? Well, racism against black women is pretty entrenched in the UK workplace. Not just hearsay. The Fawcett Society and the Runnymede Trust did a large study on this in 2022.

https://www.fawcettsociety.org.uk/news/landmark-report-reveals-75-of-women-of-colour-have-experienced-racism-at-work

Conclusions

The data shows that:

• 50% of women of Pakistani or Bangladeshi heritage and 48% of women of Black African heritage stated that they had been criticised for behaviours other colleagues get away with at work, compared to 29% of White British women.
• Black women of Caribbean heritage, and women of East Asian and Chinese heritage were the least likely to report ‘often’ or ‘always’ feeling comfortable in their workplace culture, at 43% and 41%, respectively.
• Muslim women were significantly more likely to make changes to themselves at work than non-religious women or women of other religions. 53% of Muslim women changed the clothes they wear at work ‘a great deal’ or ‘quite a bit’, compared to 37% of Christian women and 32% of non-religious women.

So, I suppose when OP reported this was happening to her, I thought about these findings and said, yup, there is another data point there.

And many of us would argue that's not needed to be polite.
If a colleague has been off work I'm not going to "check in on them" about it, I'm not going to mention it unless they do. It's intrusive and it's weird and it's inappropriate.

Pulled up multiple times because they continue to be assholes about her perfectly normal work behaviour. Someone complaining repeatedly doesn't make them right, it just means they keep complaining.

It’s quite possible to do both, I have been working for 35 years and have several good friends made through previous jobs that have kept going decades after leaving the jobs. Plus friends from school, friends from the DCs schools, friends made through hobbies. In my current workplace the general atmosphere is friendly and chatty, some are quieter than others and that’s fine, but we don’t have anyone that completely doesn’t engage. I relocated for work twice as a single person and was very grateful for the opportunities to make friends in the workplace while I got established in the new areas.

@DowntonFlabbie I'm very glad I've never worked somewhere where it's considered "weird" to ask someone if they're feeling better after they've been off sick

That's just basic human kindness. What a shame that so many people here find it unnecessary.

No, it isn´t. It´s fairly basic in a small work environment.

Well, my honest advice to some on here would be to have fewer conversations about children, holidays, pets, personal issues and do more work
I'm not sure how I could do more work in my job than I already do but there's loads of time to chat as well. Anyway it's nice to talk about pers. We often bring our dogs to work for a couple of hours, so that's nice. For a long time I was the only staff member without a dog but we got one the other month so my dog is also a honorary member of the team.

Everyone I work with knows my family situation, where I’m going on holiday etc, we all know this stuff about each other and I think that’s totally normal, it has been everywhere I’ve worked, within departments in bigger companies and the whole place in small ones.

" It's the OP whom has stated themselves that all of their friends are only of African descent."

OP has not stated that at all

Absolutely correct!

We have different experiences
I've worked in micro organisations (3 people) up to megacorporations (1,200,000+) and nowhere has it ever been necessary to divulge personal information to my colleagues
I think it might be that some enjoy sharing, and assume that anyone who doesn't is antisocial and obnoxious (to use the words dished out by people from this camp in this thread)
Whereas others do not wish to share, and feel that people expecting them to are intrusive and obnoxious

"Anyway it's nice to talk about pers."
Nice for you
Other feel differently
It does seem in this thread that some of the people who enjoy this are, no other word to describe it, bullying those who do not

"We often bring our dogs to work for a couple of hours, so that's nice"
Again, nice for you
Awful for the large number of people who are allergic to, scared of, or just don't like dogs

But again, as I've said a few times, many people with one mindset here seem like they literally cannot understand, and certainly can't accept, a different one

There should be a happy medium, but I do think that there should be room for more reserved members of staff, as long as they aren't directly rude to other members of staff and it doesn't affect their work. OP says good morning and talks to colleagues about work matters. As most of the office have enquired about the colleague's health on her return to work, why should it matter if OP didn't do this? The exception to this would be if OP was being too aloof and reserved with clients but there

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Absolutely this

An office of people who cannot cope with one individual keeping their heads down and feel the need to complain, sound like a bunch of personality policing nutters. It must be an exhausting place to work.

Out of interest, those that have no or extremely limited interaction with their colleagues and know nothing about them, e en after working with them for ages,what jobs do you do?

I would find it incredibly odd to do a full shift with someone and not chat. During the day we may drive round in the same car, attend the same meeti gs we will call in at Maccies together eat as part of a team etc. We help each other out, eg if someone's car needs picking up from a garage one of us will pop out with them to give them a lift and so on. If a taxi doesn't turn up for a night staff we may give them a lift home as long as staff ratios are still being met.
This is how I've worked for over 45 years, i couldn't imagine not being friendly. Ive even been on holiday with a staff member a few times and have good out of work friendships with ex colleagues that have lasted decades.

"we all know this stuff about each other and I think that’s totally normal"
I'm glad you acknowledge that it's just what you think, rather than (as some here have said) that it IS totally normal

Your opinion and experiences, like everyone else's, are not universal

The people you work with are not, by default, your friends, so TO ME it would not be 'normal' to share this information

But as long as it's not required to avoid the bullying that OP has been suffering, then it should not be an issue

Pulled up multiple times because they continue to be assholes about her perfectly normal work behaviour. Someone complaining repeatedly doesn't make them right, it just means they keep complaining.

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And this also. A few posters have implied this may cost OP her job ... quite sure from an employment law perspective that provided you are meeting your job description, joining in with the family isn't grounds for any kiddos disciplinary action?

Kind of. That should say

I can guarantee you've made people uncomfortable by asking them about personal things. You just haven't noticed or cared, because, like many people on this thread, you can't grasp that your opinions aren't the law and your way isn't the only way.

It's really not a difficult concept. Some people love to chat with their co workers and be friendly and sociable. Some do not. Radical concept here...but how about you just let them all be how they like as long as they do the job they're there to do?

Would that be so difficult?

In my case:
In my 40+ year career I've been (among other things) an analyst, a developer, a stand-up comedian, a customer support manager, and now I'm a project manager

I don't drive, so none of the helpful things you take as 'normal' apply to me, and have never been in a role that involved travelling around with colleagues

I have never been for meals outside work with them, either - they are not my friends

I also (obviously) have never been on holiday with any - that's something else I only do with friends

Sadly, being there for under 24 months means she can be 'let go' for any reason or (as in this case) none

snowmichael
Awful for the large number of people who are allergic to, scared of, or just don't like dogs

Did you miss the bit that i was the only one that didn't have a dog? So there are no large numbers of people who are allergic or scared of them in my team.
I wasnt advocating it should happen elsewhere, just drawing on my expierences.
Also i was actually responding to someone who said something along the lines of more work, less chat, by saying sometimes you can't be more productive than what you are already doing. Whether you chat or not doesn't make any difference to your job.