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Original poster

Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

917 replies

anissa834 · 09/12/2024 10:06

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 09/12/2024 19:11

biscuitsandbooks · 09/12/2024 19:04

Exactly - I also know of male colleagues who have been pulled up for not making an effort with the team. Not sure why there's so much focus on this being a woman "thing".

Show quote history

Quite.

My male manager pops into my office to see how we are if we’ve not seen him a while. I have a weekly meeting with him and we always have a brief personal catch up.

The relationship we have means we get the best out of each other and when I’ve been going through personal difficulties I can explain without awkwardness and he has the backstory to understand the issues.

NotVeryFunny · 09/12/2024 19:11

If you are being described as cold OP then you are coming across as rude and standoffish. I've worked with people before that were more introverted and didn't chat much about themselves or make work friends, but didn't gone across as rude or standoffish or judgey, and that was fine.

I've either with one person who sounds like you. She interested to a minimal extent but exhuded "I am better than you" vibes and brushed off anyone's attempts to make any sort of connection. This sounds like you from your posts, and it makes for a horrible working environment. You are coming across as very judgemental of the otters and also writing people off before you know them which are not nice traits and it is going to make others very uncomfortable around you. But perhaps you like that.

toucheee · 09/12/2024 19:12

saraclara · 09/12/2024 19:01

I don't know why so many people seem to think that this kind of warm interaction isn't mirrored in men. In my experience, male colleagues were absolutely able to show an interest in their colleagues, chat about their kids, and just generally be social, pleasant and comfortable to be around.

Edited

Of course men have warm interactions, I’ve just had a couple today with male colleagues.

The point is that the way in which OP was pulled up and instructed would not happen to a man. ‘Be friendly to your colleague, he’s so bubbly’. It just would not happen!

HoundsOfSmell · 09/12/2024 19:13

Maybe aim to stay neutral and do a polite check in? It’s routine for colleagues to check in with each other. Keep it brief

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 09/12/2024 19:15

MildredSauce · 09/12/2024 16:33

I've not suggested she fakes interest. I'm pointing out that the op seems to relish being cold and aloof. Performative distance.

Although doesn't the "golden girl" diatribe demonstrates that in her own way she's fake as fuck about what she cares about?

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'performative distance'. Nicely put!

CrazyGoatLady · 09/12/2024 19:18

toucheee · 09/12/2024 19:12

Of course men have warm interactions, I’ve just had a couple today with male colleagues.

The point is that the way in which OP was pulled up and instructed would not happen to a man. ‘Be friendly to your colleague, he’s so bubbly’. It just would not happen!

Show quote history

Maybe not in that way, no. But I worked with a male manager who received feedback he was too unapproachable and uninterested in people and was encouraged to think about the impact of his manner of dealing with people. He worked on that and while he still wasn't the life and soul of the office, he did become easier to work and collaborate with. It was difficult to deal with when you just felt he would rather be doing anything other than interacting with you, it was hard not to take that personally!

uptheculdesac · 09/12/2024 19:21

@Hayley1256

They would but OP is saying they aren't ND so it just comes across as rude. Everyone in my office does a general morning to the room but it sounds like OP doesn't even do that
They don't know that though. We don't have to know someone is ND to just accept people the way they are.

YourRubyLion · 09/12/2024 19:37

snowmichael · 09/12/2024 18:29

I think people like working with people who knuckle down and get on with the job

I hope both of us find people to work with that fit our preferences

Show quote history

Well yes I agree with that too. But honest advice is to at least try and have a few nice conversations during the day. I am a natural introvert and I hate hate hate small talk and am ND, but I have been successful in my career and like it or not it is largely down to relationship building. If it doesnt come naturally then you can learn it and it will definitely benefit you. You can learn it rather than just not even trying. I also work in a male dominated tech industry. A simple hello, how was your weekend. Are you feeling better, does go a long way. Also, the op talks about golden girl, maybe golden girl has her own issues which leads her to seek such approval at work.

BuildbyNumbere · 09/12/2024 19:39

Merryoldgoat · 09/12/2024 19:11

Quite.

My male manager pops into my office to see how we are if we’ve not seen him a while. I have a weekly meeting with him and we always have a brief personal catch up.

The relationship we have means we get the best out of each other and when I’ve been going through personal difficulties I can explain without awkwardness and he has the backstory to understand the issues.

Show quote history

its all about creating a pleasant working environment and positive work culture where people want to work and you can attract the best talent in a supportive environment. Something which many people on this thread can’t seem to grasp.

BeAzureAnt · 09/12/2024 19:50

ItsVeryComplicated · 09/12/2024 18:46

I worry about you saying you work because you have to, not because you like it. I think that might come across when you are at work and cause people stress. Ideally you shouldn't be making it obvious that you don't want to be there.

Well, to be fair, most people work a job because they have to—they need the money? How many people would go to work if they did not have to do it financially?

biscuitsandbooks · 09/12/2024 19:51

BuildbyNumbere · 09/12/2024 19:39

its all about creating a pleasant working environment and positive work culture where people want to work and you can attract the best talent in a supportive environment. Something which many people on this thread can’t seem to grasp.

Show quote history

Yes, exactly.

You can be the best person in the world at your job, but people won't want to work with you if you're rude, dismissive and show no interest in anything outside of the office.

saraclara · 09/12/2024 19:56

toucheee · 09/12/2024 19:12

Of course men have warm interactions, I’ve just had a couple today with male colleagues.

The point is that the way in which OP was pulled up and instructed would not happen to a man. ‘Be friendly to your colleague, he’s so bubbly’. It just would not happen!

Show quote history

In a 360 appraisal or end of probation review, I'd absolutely expect it to be brought up if colleagues had mentioned a man seeming cold and aloof.

I don't know if a man would be pulled up on it outside an appraisal, but I wouldn't and shouldn't know, if the manager behaved professionally and didn't blab to all and sundry about it.

BeAzureAnt · 09/12/2024 19:57

biscuitsandbooks · 09/12/2024 19:51

Yes, exactly.

You can be the best person in the world at your job, but people won't want to work with you if you're rude, dismissive and show no interest in anything outside of the office.

Show quote history

I have no problem dealing with people who show no interest in anything outside of the office. I care if they do their job, pull their weight and are reasonably polite…please, thank you, good morning, good evening. All that is necessary really.

Op was pulled up for not saying ‘I hope you feel better’ to a colleague in the office. This is ridiculous. That’s not about politeness, it is about a colleague who wants adoration, perhaps mixed with a dose of racism, and a boss who goes along with it because it makes for an easy life for him. What are we going to pull people up for next…not talking about the weather?

biscuitsandbooks · 09/12/2024 20:01

BeAzureAnt · 09/12/2024 19:57

I have no problem dealing with people who show no interest in anything outside of the office. I care if they do their job, pull their weight and are reasonably polite…please, thank you, good morning, good evening. All that is necessary really.

Op was pulled up for not saying ‘I hope you feel better’ to a colleague in the office. This is ridiculous. That’s not about politeness, it is about a colleague who wants adoration, perhaps mixed with a dose of racism, and a boss who goes along with it because it makes for an easy life for him. What are we going to pull people up for next…not talking about the weather?

Show quote history

Well, I would argue that being "reasonably polite" includes making small talk and checking in on your colleagues when you know they've been unwell.

OP has been pulled up multiple times for her demeanour at work - I'm not sure why so many people seem to be ignoring that? This isn't a one-off.

snowmichael · 09/12/2024 20:13

hamsandyams · 09/12/2024 19:07

I hope I never have to sit next to you at a three hour business dinner then! What would you talk about? Given everything I do on a daily basis is confidential, after my 2 minute elevator pitch and ten minute market observation update, there’s not much more you work talk you can drag out. I’m asked the Christmas plans and holidays question almost daily by business contacts that I speak to once every few months, so I’m not out of kilter.

I’m also probably the most anti social, uninterested in other people person in my role at my company… so I dread to think how you’d feel around my colleagues.

(Also I wasn’t referring to clients above, but whether my clients are married, have children, their children’s ages and their travel plans are questions vital to the professional relationship I have with my clients. I couldn’t do my job without knowing those facts - so you also can’t judge whether they are professional questions without context).

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> I hope I never have to sit next to you at a three hour business dinner then!
Fortunately, since I've never been to one of those, and almost certainly never will, the possibility if you having to suffer next to me is remote

PS kudos for knowing the difference between uninterested and disinterested :)

snowmichael · 09/12/2024 20:16

YourRubyLion · 09/12/2024 19:37

Well yes I agree with that too. But honest advice is to at least try and have a few nice conversations during the day. I am a natural introvert and I hate hate hate small talk and am ND, but I have been successful in my career and like it or not it is largely down to relationship building. If it doesnt come naturally then you can learn it and it will definitely benefit you. You can learn it rather than just not even trying. I also work in a male dominated tech industry. A simple hello, how was your weekend. Are you feeling better, does go a long way. Also, the op talks about golden girl, maybe golden girl has her own issues which leads her to seek such approval at work.

Edited
Show quote history

Well, my honest advice to some on here would be to have fewer conversations about children, holidays, pets, personal issues and do more work

But just as your advice wouldn't suit me, mine wouldn't suit you

snowmichael · 09/12/2024 20:18

biscuitsandbooks · 09/12/2024 20:01

Well, I would argue that being "reasonably polite" includes making small talk and checking in on your colleagues when you know they've been unwell.

OP has been pulled up multiple times for her demeanour at work - I'm not sure why so many people seem to be ignoring that? This isn't a one-off.

Show quote history

It is a one-off
A number of Golden Child's coterie complained about OP over a single incident

saraclara · 09/12/2024 20:30

snowmichael · 09/12/2024 20:18

It is a one-off
A number of Golden Child's coterie complained about OP over a single incident

Show quote history

We don't know that. It might have been a general concern about OP's attitude, and the boss asked for examples.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 09/12/2024 20:33

User
To be fair OP say she's quite happy talking with and interacting while on a work related piece. Like the people I refer to who I'd never actually spoken to until then and probably didn't again u til we next worked together

But I was able to respect their difference because I know some people are just incredibly private

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 09/12/2024 20:39

Sorry forgot to say - I get what you're saying in your second paragraph but also, the more extrovert types perhaps need to accept it's not personal it's just different.

I agree that this may mean others just won't warm to me or the OP because of it but that's for me to be ok with. But if I'm not going out of my way to be unpleasant (and I think this may be the issue - both personality types will define this very differently I'm sure! -, I say hi and good night, I work hard and interact when working together, then that should be enough.

If anyone was to complain about this attitude and if I was warned by my manager for my behaviour above then that to me is heading into bullying territory.

I have to say your post from the opposite view to me has been really measured and shows willingness to consider the loner view Smile which I appreciate so thanks for your respectful post

Tess150 · 09/12/2024 20:42

Golden colleague sounds like a narcissist. You didn't feed her the supply she needed so you have been thrown under the bus. The others play the game and give her the adoration she craves and so she allows them to be around as they are useful to her.

This 'family' is toxic as it comes not least because even your boss buys into the need to give her attention. He should have found out if you actually said anything rude or offensive and if not then she should have been told that people cannot be disciplined over their personality type.

BeAzureAnt · 09/12/2024 20:46

biscuitsandbooks · 09/12/2024 20:01

Well, I would argue that being "reasonably polite" includes making small talk and checking in on your colleagues when you know they've been unwell.

OP has been pulled up multiple times for her demeanour at work - I'm not sure why so many people seem to be ignoring that? This isn't a one-off.

Show quote history

I’m not seeing it was multiple times really.

BeAzureAnt · 09/12/2024 20:47

Tess150 · 09/12/2024 20:42

Golden colleague sounds like a narcissist. You didn't feed her the supply she needed so you have been thrown under the bus. The others play the game and give her the adoration she craves and so she allows them to be around as they are useful to her.

This 'family' is toxic as it comes not least because even your boss buys into the need to give her attention. He should have found out if you actually said anything rude or offensive and if not then she should have been told that people cannot be disciplined over their personality type.

Yes, I thought this might be the case too.

YourRubyLion · 09/12/2024 22:57

snowmichael · 09/12/2024 20:16

Well, my honest advice to some on here would be to have fewer conversations about children, holidays, pets, personal issues and do more work

But just as your advice wouldn't suit me, mine wouldn't suit you

Show quote history

Ok, interesting take, but I have never worked anywhere or seen anyone become successful in their role with that approach. I am only offering some advice from what I have learned to the OP who is clearly struggling, to focus on what she can control, which is herself and maybe look to see if she can do anything to improve her situation and unhappiness at work. Maybe you will say you have seen the opposite, that focusing only on work and not interacting with others has lead you to success, in which case great. But OP has already tried this strategy and it is clearly not working for her as she is unhappy and frustrated.

YourRubyLion · 09/12/2024 23:10

snowmichael · 09/12/2024 20:16

Well, my honest advice to some on here would be to have fewer conversations about children, holidays, pets, personal issues and do more work

But just as your advice wouldn't suit me, mine wouldn't suit you

Show quote history

Ok, fair point and each to their own. Tbh OPs work people do sound extremely irritating and I have left jobs for less. But if you are working with genuinly nice people then its nice to be able to have a conversation here or there to get to know them a bit better, not overly personal of course. But if you are working with people you dont particuarly like then yeah, why would you want to. But 8 hours a day is a long time to feel isolated and unable to enjoy the company of people you are with.