Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

I think people like working with people who knuckle down and get on with the job

I hope both of us find people to work with that fit our preferences

But a general asking after someone’s heath or asking if they had a nice weekend isn’t bullying info of them, it’s general politeness and basic social skills.
Maybe you need to think about how you operate.
And gossiping about it? I think you think people care about what you are doing way too much, tell me where you’re going on holiday, I’ll have forgotten in 5 minutes … people don’t actually care 🤣

Maybe, yes. But I think if it's a choice between potentially being pushed out of a job that's working for you or having to paste on a smile and engage in niceties that feel uncomfortable on a daily basis, two minutes of honesty might be preferable?

And for the posters who are asking if men would be held to the same standard, I did have to manage out (as in tell him he wouldn't make partner) an absolutely brilliant young male lawyer because his complete aloofness, and disinterest in attempting to change it, made the rest of the team uncomfortable and, ultimately, made clients uncomfortable. He had a great legal mind, but that's only half the job when you need to manage a team dealing with complex issues.

You don't have to be a cruise ship social director, but you do have to be able to read the social cues of others. Even from the perspective of understanding when people feel valued vs undervalued, overworked vs underutilised, etc. etc.

She said she doesn’t.
Get off your high horse.
🙄

No, I'm not British and it's definitely a personality thing. I find Brits talkative, but at a superficial level (social niceties are expected but people feel rather shocked unless it's all rainbows and sunshine).

I find office chat tedious and I do feel it's a place of work, not a social gathering. But at the same time, I'm happy to engage in an actual meaningful conversation

Nothing combative - in fact I've pointed out repeatedly when someone has posted something well written, or a good comment, or was though-provoking

And a) I'm not at work and b) nowhere did I say I'm too busy at work for such fluff, just that I don't find it professional nor productive

Different villages and all that

Ah just obnoxious in your own head then.

Perfect summation

Of course she has.

And makes the member of staff who can't actually afford a weekend break this year, let alone a holiday to Greece or Italy feel like absolute shit.

I'm so glad I no longer have to play the "be nice" in the office game. Luckily I was senior enough to have a private office so other than a "Good Morning" as I walked through the open plan areas I wasn't expected to.

I think that’s it, your focus is on the task rather than the staff, which is understandable in your line of work but would be very unusual in some other areas. There are some words in bold in your post and I’m not sure if that is deliberate / for emphasis, so I’ve taken it as emphasizing the fact that this is your focus.

I don’t really understand your ‘if you have nothing to hide etc’ comments, it’s purely that if it was a medical appointment I might be more discreet but as it’s just a child’s nativity, something light and fun, and quite lovely. We’re heading towards Christmas and it’s a bit of light distraction from what can be a very draining job.

Your final statement makes sense, I worked with offenders for a long time and although my close colleagues knew stuff about my personal life, colleagues on the wings did not. They were more professional acquaintances than colleagues and it is always a good idea to keep control over who knows what in those settings

Gosh that is awful! I’ve had to suffer many women bring their babies into work whilst I went to the toilets to cry whilst I was in the depths of infertility. That is shocking that someone actually complained about you. People have no idea what is going on in other peoples lives

> But a general asking after someone’s heath or asking if they had a nice weekend isn’t bullying info of them, it’s general politeness and basic social skills.

I think there will never be a meeting of minds between people who see work as a social interaction with some job related stuff done as well, and those who see it as solely a place to complete job-related tasks

Obviously most people are in the middle, almost certainly it will be a classic bell curve, but as with most things, people towards one end simply seem unable to understand people towards the other

I do appreciate the idea of a third option
I was just idly musing if it was a realistic option for introverts
Obviously if one of my BAs said it, I'd support them 100%, and it would be completely acceptable
I hope it would be everywhere

Aaaah, that attitude takes me back (happily) to working in Haarlem :)

As I said previously, our boundaries of what "you don't need to ask" covers are shaped by our experiences and environments, mine are more restrictive than yours - and that's fine
It's not a problem unless (as in OP's case) someone else makes it one

Nope, I see it as a place to work with some social interaction which come from working as a team alongside others.

I worry about you saying you work because you have to, not because you like it. I think that might come across when you are at work and cause people stress. Ideally you shouldn't be making it obvious that you don't want to be there.

I think you sound quite rude.

There's a basic level of pleasant social behaviour expected in a work setting. You line manager has addressed this with you.

If you need help or coaching, you could ask for further guidance.

You clearly have an issue with your colleague, you can either address it head on (as she has) or move on, but the low level rudeness is clearly not cutting it.

OP, I hear you. Some people really don’t like working with women who don’t exhibit stereotypical female traits but are good at their job nevertheless.

It used to piss me off after departmental meetings when my boss pulled me up on something that she wouldn’t dream of saying to the other male HoD’s. (Related to schmoozing other male staff members in departments we supported).

When I later complained of being sexually harassed to the only female member of the SMT, she said it was to be expected and I had to get used to it. I left soon afterwards.

Since having kids who have been diagnosed with ASD, I’m pretty certain I’m autistic too. It’s made me think that if you are diagnosed with Autism, then under disability discrimination laws, the manager would have to make reasonable adjustments and wouldn’t be able to use your particular personality traits against you in that way. It might be worth looking further into this?

Golden child 😩

So many on here are mightily offended by this. It’s a dynamic in psychology. It does sound comparable to a golden child dynamic.

Why on earth would a woman like OP be jealous of this woman? They’re clearly two very different types of people. OP doesn’t want what she has.

I don't know why so many people seem to think that this kind of warm interaction isn't mirrored in men. In my experience, male colleagues were absolutely able to show an interest in their colleagues, chat about their kids, and just generally be social, pleasant and comfortable to be around.

Exactly - I also know of male colleagues who have been pulled up for not making an effort with the team. Not sure why there's so much focus on this being a woman "thing".

I used to be the kind of worker who came in and got straight on to work but I learnt belatedly that no one thinks better of you for it, so I started chit chatting with others at the start of the working day and then cracking on with my work and it does improve how others see you.
I'm not saying it's right, but it's how it can be in some workplaces.

I hope I never have to sit next to you at a three hour business dinner then! What would you talk about? Given everything I do on a daily basis is confidential, after my 2 minute elevator pitch and ten minute market observation update, there’s not much more you work talk you can drag out. I’m asked the Christmas plans and holidays question almost daily by business contacts that I speak to once every few months, so I’m not out of kilter.

I’m also probably the most anti social, uninterested in other people person in my role at my company… so I dread to think how you’d feel around my colleagues.

(Also I wasn’t referring to clients above, but whether my clients are married, have children, their children’s ages and their travel plans are questions vital to the professional relationship I have with my clients. I couldn’t do my job without knowing those facts - so you also can’t judge whether they are professional questions without context).