Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

I don't recognise these teams where noone asks a friendly question or shares a joke or has a chat with the people they spend most of their waking hours with. My working life involved a huge range of people (including the quiet and reserved) from the 1970s to the 2020s without anyone complaining about my attitude to my colleagues.

There is a difference between "quiet and reserved" and coming across with the emotional warmth of an iceberg though. OP is very keen to blame one person (who she clearly despises) but is unwilling to consider that she may not be a good fit for this environment at all and is making others uncomfortable.

Now i think if it, I do also ask people who haven't said they were going on holidays next year "are you going anywhere nice mext year"

Because I look at past history to assume they are.

We work in an area where we earn quite well.

And every year so far, all of my colleagues have gone on about three holidays.

Last year they all went on holidays. And the year before. It's very normal where I work, for people to go on multiple holidays a year.

And we love talking about them. As we work very hard. And holidays are something to look forward to. So it's something to chat about

Ah, does that go along with the bloke on the train telling the girl opposite to smile?
I don't think you know just how offensive you are to people who don't see the world the way you do

I couldn't care less if I'm boring you. If I was looking for entertainment and an argument I wouldn't look to you, you have neither.

I do need to call out racism when I see it.

It's pretty obvious why the OP doesn’t want to interact with her colleagues.

Yep. There it is.

And in my experience, it is not the norm
I do like it that they don't, you and other people may not

And there is good scientific evidence to support the various theories that compartmentalisations are mentally healthy

Yes, actually I do think people would complain for no reason. I think they would do it if

1. they were jealous if OP is good at her job
2. they were racist
3. the complainant is having an affair with her boss
4. the boss is trying to have an easy life by blaming OP because he the complainant is popular or leader of a clique

I’ve seen all these things that caused people to leave. People mob others out of workplaces for things that are not performance based; scapegoating can happen too.

No sane individual would report a work colleague because they didn’t ask if they if they were feeling better after they took sick leave. And no sane boss would use that as an excuse to dress down an employee. It is ridiculous.

I think people like working with people who make the 8 hours you have to spend there bearable and fun. Its nice to know you have each others backs, that you can tell the person you are sitting next to if you are having a tough time. I am not a best friends at work type of person but I can still have a nice conversation. Just give it a bit of a try as 8 hours a day is a lot of your life to just spend with no fun and interaction.

Would a man be written off as not being a team player if he didn't ask about his colleagues' holidays?

Similarly, men are never expected to ask after their colleagues' children, but women are seen as cold and odd if they don't.

Being a team player is primarily about bringing that characteristic to the work. Obviously there's a social element, but women so often seem to end up being labelled as not being team players when all it really means is that they forgot to ask if Sandra who sits across from them had a nice week in Anglesey and is little Johnny's broken toe better yet. Because women are expected to ask about these things. Men, not so much.

Am I the only one finding humour in the fact that you've repeatedly said you're too busy at work for anything but the briefest, barest interactions with co-workers but you've somehow made time to make about 6000 posts on this thread chatting (combatively) with absolute strangers? 😃

It sounds as though you are in a place where teamwork and team spirit is important and you don't want to do that. I think you might be better moving to another job where that team skill is not needed, since you clearly don't have it.

I worked with a person like you once and her behaviour came over to us as though she hated us and looked down on us, which was very stressful to be around.

Some of the most obnoxious people around are those who wheedle or bully information out of coworkers and then go around gossiping about it.

Edit, and by the way I never said I refused to answer untactfully, I just say something obviously untrue like: "Not sure yet."

I think you are completely correct

But I also think
> If someone were to say something like, "I really like my job and enjoy working with you all, but I'm just really not very good with casual social interaction, so don't take it personally if I don't engage" I think most people would accept that and be fine
That would possibly be terrifying to stand up and say, for the people who most need to say it?

She's pissed off because you're not in her fan club. That's it. She needs to be adored and you don't, so it undermines her self esteem.

I don’t find it humorous at all. I find this thread really depressing.

Firstly, you are completely right that we work in totally different environments
I am almost always in a team of other professionals of similar age and experience, in charge of the work of small-ish groups of people, mostly younger, but not in charge of the people themselves

Secondly, "Because it’s not a secret", bothers me for a reason I find hard to explain
It smacks to me of "If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear" in other, completely unrelated, areas

I think my expectations of privacy are higher - in a sense of fences, not quality - than yours
Maybe it's my decades under the cudgel of data privacy that formed my opinion "If you don't need to ask, you shouldn't ask"

good and thoughtful post

Men are just as likely to be complained about, probably not by other men though.
OH used to do occasional detached duty at other sites. There were a couple of young female colleagues also went. They complained that he didn't eat with them and so was anti social.

At no point have I said I do that
I actually said that (for this example of an intrusive question) I'd probably answer "I haven't decided yet" while wanting to say "None of your business"
Obnoxious behaviour is also mis-stating what others have said

It's not necessarily a criticism of someone's personality. It's a criticism of how they interact with others.

For what it's worth, the ill lady appears to be the last to complain and I think her compliant is unfounded. There's no requirement to ask about personal illness at all in most roles other than manager and HR.

I haven't experienced working with men that didn't ask how my kids were or general chit chat. I don't think it's a man / woman thing at all. A lot of male workers have kids themselves and are happy to talk / moan about their kids / talk about holidays / moan about the company just as much as the women in my experience.

OP, I do get where you're coming from. I'm autistic and find small talk at work hard. I don't always remember the small details about someone's life, their kids, etc, and tend to prefer to focus mostly on the job. But it sort of does come across a bit harsh to say you don't care that a colleague was unwell.

I'm not up for the whole workplace family vibe, but there's some "social glue" stuff that I've accepted I need to do so that the team gets along, people do need to feel cared about, and giving a shit when someone has been off sick and asking how they are is one of them.

You don't have to be besties with your colleagues, but there is a middle ground between that and completely shunning them, where you can converse and basically get along while you're at work and showing some care for others' welfare doesn't cost anything.

It's pretty clear that @BuildbyNumbere doesn't want to see even the possibility of racism here (which, tbf, OP has done everything to avoid bringing up as a reason)

I was complained and gossiped about for not being very interested in someones baby they brought to work many years ago. None of the men were.
Apparently it was "worse" because I was pg myself.
I left after Mat Leave but I sure as Heck wouldn't have taken my baby for a visit.

It doesn't take a lot to be civil does it....ie " hi, hope you're feeling better". It's part of being collegial.

Its like talking about the weather or pets, Smalltalk makes the world go round.