Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

But what OP is describing is completely different, it's the use of a woman's emotional capital to keep the wheels of the office running I disagree. There is one or two more men in our team than women at the moment. Everyone keeps the ' wheels of the office running'
One bloke will stop at Costa once a week and buy coffee for the shift and will know their likes.( only about 3 people, not likes its dozens!) One always just.ps up when staff start shift to do sn elbow bump and ask how they are.
Another bloke loves making the food gor our shift hand over.
It's not all women's work to be nice.

I have never seen a man tell another man to be more friendly. And I rather doubt you have as well No but I've heard male colleagues moan about a male colleague who was always moaning and made life difficult for everyone( ' what is the problem with that miserable fucker? , why can't he put his miserable face straight ' ) The blokes put in a complaint about him.

I like working in a friendly place, it makes the day go smother and often quicker.
You get to know people's strength and weakness and you can complement each other as a shift team.

I’ve heard both (maybe it’s a local thing), heard resting bitch face for men as well as women.

> told people that’s why I wasn’t in one afternoon
Why did you feel the need tell them?
If I were attending a friend's play or a book launch or a gallery opening (which I have done all three of this year) I would not tell anyone why I was not going to be in that day
I work in project management, mostly IT or organisational change, mostly for legal, health or financial clients, and mostly (9/10 days) work from home

Do you think this is because English people can be more reserved than other cultures?

I was looking at Reddit recently. A man recently moved to England from another country.

He said that the English people in his job wouldn't speak to him, and he found it very difficult and isolating

Where @anissa834 lost my sympathy with her work situation was in repeatedly calling her coworkers “bootlickers.” What a nasty term.

If OP’s disdain and hostility towards her colleagues is as apparent at work as it is here, I’m not surprised she got called in to discuss her attitude.

I’ve had work environments where we’ve all been very chatty and informal, and those in which we held back and were reserved. Both were fine in their own ways.

The unpleasant ones were those in which people turned on each other - be that complaining to managers or thinking of people as “bootlickers.”

Because as we keep saying to you @snowmichael it's normal for a lot of people to chat about what they are doing outside of work.

You don't like it. But other people do

You could try reading the OPs first post. Graphic design.

I had a surgery with a surgeon like this. He did not talk a word to me. He, though, looked rather puzzled and worried.
Well, he made me cry and panic. I was terrified that I would never walk again, because this man would not even say one word to me while he had a look to the X rays and limb in front of him. A junior doctor came by later on and I had to ask him and he re-assured me.
Now, my surgeon is great. Really good. He took a difficult case and sorted it, all recovery perfect.
He saw me two weeks after the surgery. Cut the stitches. Changed bandages. Not a fucking word!
Yet again, a junior actually told me how I was doing and all was good.
I get people and words are not this surgeon's forte, but it does scare the shit out of you to visibly see them with a seriously concerned face and zilch convo. Maybe if he had just had a neutral face or was smilling?

It sounds like a small organisation and that means culture will be very one dimensional.

In bigger organisations there is likely more scope to not be as noticeable as an outlier to the "family vibe".

Unfortunately I see two options get on board or leave. It is unlikely cohesive work will be consistent if there are divisions in small teams.

If you feel so uncomfortable with the vibe surely it isn't a good fit?

I don't think you have to be friends with your colleagues and certainly not like one big happy family.

But I do think there is an element of being human where unless you and your colleagues really dislike one another/they are awful people, that there is some level of recognition that they are people with feelings, interests, outside of work activities and health issues.

How much you share or exchange information can vary depending on how interested you actually are, your personality etc. But if someone you work with on a regular basis has been ill then it is human nature to wish them better, comment you are glad to see them back etc.

Otherwise what is the point - we may as well just be automatons clicking buttons.

I agree with this. Perfectly fine to not gossip or have personal relationships but thr OP does sound a bit ‘cold’ in her interactions.

I get this is how the OP wants to work, but many others are saying they want more and thr manager has said they want more too. Sure not breaking policy but a little more effort wouldn’t go a miss.

People don’t generally like to not have a few sentences of niceties and politesse at the beginning of a conversation. I don’t think it’s a big deal to say ‘Good morning which you already do) and then ‘how are you this morning?”.

I wouldn’t complain but would find this behaviour as detached. Unfortunately this could signal that you aren’t engaged in the office and don’t want to build positive relationships with colleagues.

People are being needy. Your manager was awkward with thr family thing but trying to say it’s a warmer environment than the OP is interacting in.

Going around in circles with your manager is never a good thing and is pretty counterproductive once you have said your peace.

Not English, not reserved nor cold, just able to talk about different things to different people
I'm sure everyone knows at least one person who cannot understand that their love of <sport/shoes/cars/running/Peruvian stamps/vegan food pick one as appropriate> is not universal? And that person is a bore
So therefore they also know how to compartmentalise so as to not be that crushing bore to others
Why is it so hard to understand, therefore, compartmentalising different topics of conversation between work and non-work acquaintances?
I think @Potato1234 might be spot on, that people who feel the need to make work colleagues into friends is due to lack of ability or opportunity to make friends outside work?
And if that's the case, they should be pitied more than censured

No. I have loads of friends outside work.

I also have friends in work.

But the OP doesn't seem to be very good at lateral thinking or problem solving in this instance, so not sure why we could assume she would be in others? She seems, in fact, quite rigid and single-track on this.

Why can't people just be accepting that some of us are different?

I think people can, but equally, I think those who are 'different' might have to accept that there's something about the way they interact that can make others uncomfortable. If someone were to say something like, "I really like my job and enjoy working with you all, but I'm just really not very good with casual social interaction, so don't take it personally if I don't engage" I think most people would accept that and be fine. It's when the lack of engagement feels completely blank and cold that people get uncomfortable. You don't have to be looking to be lifelong besties to say, nice to see you're feeling better and then move on.

Because it’s not a secret, I was disappearing for a few hours and I wanted to explain why for context.

It sounds like in your project management role you don’t work in a team as such, perhaps more alongside people? And you work in different settings?

It that’s the case, the difference in approach makes sense, I work with the same people every day in an emotionally difficult setting. We support people in very high levels of distress and when you do that you often become very close with your colleagues. It wouldn’t be unheard of for people to get upset at work, or just want to offload about something difficult, and we’re all therapists so all about the talking and feelings.

> Humans interact, we tell narratives
Indeed we do
In fact there's a reasonable argument that we should be Pan narrans, the "story telling chimpanzee" rather than Homo sapiens, but we are sapiens, so we tell different stories - or, more properly, stories about different things - to different people

I doubt whether the male colleagues who don't really bother with the 'golden' colleague either asked her about her health or were the subject of a complaint to management about their failure to do so.

I think there are some racist undercurrents both on this thread and in the OP's workplace. The fact that the OP's Nigerian descent was viewed as a 'drip feed' and a 'gotcha' about her behaviour is proof of that.

I wasn’t replying to OP?

So whilst I’m grateful for your input, maybe a little less snippy next time?

Nope, obnoxious is being intentionally rude to people that are trying to ask you a general question out of politeness … something that you have clearly said you do purposely.

Thats an excellent point.
Its very unlikely that men would ever be accused of being unfriendly at work, they would probably be admired for their focus.
Its only women who are supposed to give a shit about peoples weekends

This is absolutely a brilliant example of what I'm talking about
She has already raised the subject, thus creating (in Dunbar's terminology) a 'bridge' between her work village and her holiday village
Maybe it's only a bridge for you, maybe if others overheard and joined the conversation, it becomes a communal bridge, or if enough people are included, it becomes a village of its own, with overlaps to the work village already built in

This is so weird.

I'd have put myself in the top 5% of people for whom privacy is important, and I compartmentalised work and home life pretty efficiently. I had an embargo on colleagues as Facebook friends, and was very wary if the gossips at work, giving little away. But I went through all the social motions with those I worked with, showing interest in them because it's important to be a fellow human and to recognise that we're all carrying stuff around with us, and work can be stressful. Caring enough to help each other out is important

But there are people in this thread, a lot of them, who almost don't seem to see work colleagues as human, but as members of some sub-species, who aren't worthy of even thinking about.

I’d say it’s pretty obvious what you are insinuating and pretty obvious why the OP doesn’t want to interact with her colleagues.

You are also kind of boring me now … go comment on someone else if you need some entertainment and an argument.

I worked in a company that said we were a work family. It sounds naff but it's absolutely true. We would occasionally argue and moan and get annoyed with each other exactly as family do. You spend most of your time with these people so you may as well get to know them. It makes for a more pleasant work place. I met some of my closest friends at that place. You can't get on with everyone and there was no arse kissing far from it! Quite a lot of honest talk! But we all accepted each other's quirks and there would never be anyone reporting others to management. Unless you have some conversations how would you know what you have in common with people.

One
So you have a single person overlap between your work village and your boardgames village

And no, never
I have just been racking my brains, but I can't think I've ever worked with anyone I had any interest in socialising outside of work with
I'm probably wrong, and that I have in the past, but over 40+ years, most people you work with blur into an amorphous mass