Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

She clearly says that she is only interested in speaking to people that share her descent. Try reading her comment before jumping to a rasist conclusion.
If she had shared that info in the original post it would have answered a number of question that people are asking.

I laughted at you “off” comment as really don’t care what you think.

@snowmichael is definitely not helping the

"Cold, reserved, English" stereotype

That is out there about us.

So according to you, the only black woman in the office is being racist or 'off', but the white colleagues who complained en masse about their only black colleague failing to ask a co-worker about her health on her return to work are notracist?

no not really. I didn’t say she was racist. She just sounds unfriendly and mean.

Humans interact, we tell narratives. We have done since we formed language. We formed language so we could. I guess you have every right to opt out of normal interaction but I don’t think this is other people’s problem. It’s the ops.

Yup. How many men are told to smile more? Why do women only have ‘resting bitch face?’

My husband has resting grumpy twat face and he’s told often 🤣🤣

It isn’t her that would be being racist. She was the one pulled up for not asking if her colleague felt better, which is the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard.

I’ve never been told that and I work in construction.
We have very high standards when it comes to wellbeing and everyone, particularly the site ops, are told to look out for their colleagues and check on their wellbeing considering the high suicide rates for men of that age 18-50ish I believe which is particularly prevalent within the construction industry.

It's not a cultural fit for you op. You need to work where @snowmichael works.

Ok, but by work colleagues or you?

Has he been told to smile more by work colleagues? And which phrase is in more common parlance?

Well for a start, I generally ask people who I AlREADY know are definitely going on holidays, as they would have mentioned it to me before.

So for example, my colleague said to me earlier this year - that she couldn't wait to go on holiday somewhere in the summer.

She said that she was going to take annual leave for 2 weeks in July. And she said that she was looking at places to go with her friend.

So then coming up to the summer, I said to her "Hi Ann, so I know you've annual leave off next month, are you going anywhere nice?"

So she would have mentioned it first. So I knew she did have disposable income and that she was going abroad.

I pay attention to social cues. And she was happy to tell me about where she was going .

> It's how people talk to each other
> Humans communicate with each other.
Would you sit next to one of your friends and say "What should I do about the Turkish alphabet not being recognised by most XSL readers?"
Humans communicate in 'villages' (Robin Dunbar's term), that usually have very little overlap
You talk to your work colleagues about work, your non-work friend about non-work - and even there it's normal to split those friends into separate villages
Your rowing friends are unlikely to be your boardgaming friends, and neither of those villages will overlap at all with your 3D printing online discussion group friends
Overlaps between villages, especially work and non-work obviously exist, but they are small in comparison to the non-overlaps

She clearly says that she is only interested in speaking to people that share her descent.

Point me to the post that says that. That actually says that. Not that you think says that.

If she had shared that info in the original post it would have answered a number of question that people are asking.

What questions would it have answered? Enlighten me.

And you mentioned the word racism. Not me. Interesting.

Both, friends and family too

Not sure what you mean by the second question

Based upon your comments in this thread I think it's fair to say I would find you intrusive, obnoxious, and unprofessional, so we both have opinions about the other that almost certainly have no grounding in real life

Yes, and that would be an applicable comparison if the OP was freelance, hired by clients solely for her skill at graphic design. As things stand, she's part of a team, so it's more complicated than that. You would probably not want the neurosurgeon who was unable to work cooperatively with the anaesthetist and theatre nurses.

I go to a boardgames group with one of my colleagues actually!

Have you ever socialised out of work with any of your colleagues.

There is a difference between not befriending someone at work and not asking someone in your group/ company how are they doing ( no need to enter into details) when they are back from sick leave and you knew so.
Were you aware that she had been off sick? Or did you assume she was off or at a work event somewhere else or working from home?
Regarding any other issues, nothing wrong with keeping it professional and not engaging in office chat, particularly banter.
But if someone is ill, got married, had a baby, a new house or other big event, well that deserves at least one sentence.

Your boss has multiple complaints about your manner, coldness and indifference.

You can lay the blame at one person of you like, but do you really think that people would complain for just no reason.

You have been advised there is an issue.
You have been asked to take it on board.
You seem to be prefer not too and blame others rather than asking yourself why you are making a lot of people uncomfortable.

Do you think resting bitch face is a more common term than grumpy..twat face for men? I’ve not heard of the latter, but I’ve surely heard of the former.

I think, for the people who only make friends through work, you may be correct about it being harder to make friends outside of work
It might be a generational thing - I'm over sixty, so have made friends through my interests rather than work for over forty years - or it might be an interest thing - my interests are mostly social, involving meeting many, many new people each year, and some of those, obviously, will become friends
My friendships are mostly long lasting, because they are not tied to work

Absolutely. Astonishing how many don't seem to want to acknowledge there's a gendered element to this.

I do not hate talking about holidays
I just do not see any value in talking about holidays to people I do not know at all (in your case) nor very well (in work settings) nor not interested in my holidays (most of my friends)
And If there was a joke buried in your inanity, no, I did not notice it

But this is a criticism of someone’s personality, which isn’t fair. They're saying they don’t like someone because they want them to be different to how they are.

As an introvert, I do get the OP. I find chit chat at work exhausting. The world and social norms are often dictated by extroverts, and introverts are often seen as the "unnatural" ones for not wanting to engage.

I don't socialise with my colleagues because really, they are just a group of people who happen to work in the same area as me. I see them at work-related events sometimes, we chat, but I do feel drained after some of the interaction, particularly when it's rather meaningless in the "how are you, I'm well thanks how are you I'm good see you later" -type of way. No one ever says anything real ("I'm really shit, actually Janet, feeling drained by everything and my husband's a dick") so it feels rather performative to go through the cues. However, if someone has something genuinely interesting to say, I'm happy to converse - I had a long chat with a colleague about the fall of the Assad regime today - but I do naturally shy away from sharing personal details. It's just not me, and it's no one's business what I do outside work.

What is the need to be that serious though.

Even on here.

Lighten up a bit