Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

I am so glad that I don't work with you tbh! It's friendly and interested in someone's life, not intrusive and unprofessional.

Is it a drip feed? Op doesn’t say they’re racist to her.

Although sometimes I have found people think Asian and African women colleagues just want to cook for everyone. Which is just not the case.

I don't 'book two weeks holiday in the summer'
If I'm going to be away for two weeks I give my project owner notice as soon as I know and block out the time in the project diary
Other trips are usually just four day weekends, so I just let them know which days I'll be unavailable, much as I would for hospital appointments or the like
Colleagues will see in my work diaries that I'm not available for certain days, no one ever pries into reasons why someone would be unavailable
Most of my colleagues are in their mid-forties or older - nosing into peoples' lives just isn't the norm

Ok 🤣

You seem to think that asking if people are going somewhere nice on holiday is the most innocuous thing that you could ask. That isn't actually the case. What about people who are single and have no-one to go on holiday with? What about people who can't afford to feed their kids, never mind afford a holiday? They may dread somebody asking them this question.

Next year I'm going to Iceland, Denmark and Switzerland for short breaks.

Then I am going for a week to Spain and a week to Italy.

That's what I've booked so far. I'll book something else next year too

You would not know anything about my life outside the office without asking personal questions, which I would endeavour not to answer

Wow.

I'm single!

Do you think that single people don't go on holidays? Eh.

My single colleague just came back from Greece.

What?

@snowmichael I think we all have gathered that. Seeing as you've said it about ten times

I could possibly consider 'intrusive' and 'friendly' to be open to debate, but it absolutely is not professional
And "interested in someone's life" ... why? What do you get out of knowing I'm off working for a month on a relative's South African wildlife reserve? Or writing a city-wide treasure hunt in Krakow? Or guest of honour at a niche science fiction convention in Prague?
What on earth do you get out of knowing any of those things?

Exactly^^

Posters are taking the concept of office chat very literally.

So if someone says “where are you going on holiday?” you are flattering yourselves if you think they are being nosy because they are probably not particularly interested, they are just being polite and making a bid for connection. It’s about social discourse that oils the wheels of everyday interaction.

If you are not comfortable sharing that information for some reason; just say something like “I haven’t decided yet but I have always wanted to visit [name a place] or, not sure, but I am looking forward to getting some fresh air and exercise” and then they will say something like “yes we spend too much time sitting at our desks, we should look in to getting some standing models” or something equally neutral. They are mainly clocking your body language and tone of voice to see if you are trustworthy. And if you vaguely share the same concerns. They are not particularly interested in the words.

Have you thought of WFH op. You obviously don't fit in there.

Very well said

What do you mean "what do you get from".

It's how people talk to each other.

Humans communicate with each other.

Tbh I wouldn’t want to speak to @snowmichael or do business with him / her, he / she sounds rude and miserable.

Reading through your replies, I’m wondering if you are a good team fit for the business. There is something called ‘work culture’, (you might find it useful to read up on this). You might not fit with the companies work culture. Yes, you are doing your job as per your job description but in some places of work being part of the team is also an unwritten requirement. You may not like it, or agree with it, but it is what it is. The fact that you have been pulled up on it and that you obviously don’t like some of your colleagues suggests this.

"OK, but you do know I never asked you?"
Turns back to laptop, gets on with work

Not all single people would feel comfortable about going on holiday alone. Your list of holiday destinations in your previous post also indicates that you have a lot of disposable income to spend on holidays. What about my previous question about asking people who have no disposable income where they are going on holiday?

Small talk can help people to bond with their colleagues, but not if it is tone deaf about other people's personal and financial situations?

I think the difference here is that some people only have friends through work, based off mutual interests, and these interests are made known through these kind of conversations. It’s clear you aren’t friends with your colleagues. It’s hard to make friends as an adult

So, you can't explain what you meant then. You think a laughing emoji covers it.

Why so triumphant: "Now we get to the truth!"
Do you mean because the OP is likely a different ethnic background to her co-worker? Is that "the truth" for you?

Why is it a "drip feed" that she didn't put her ethnic origin in the OP?
Does that make a difference to you? Or to the issue being discussed?

Of course I know you didn't ask me.

I know you said you absolutely hate talking about holidays. So I'm doing this to show you how extreme you are.

You didn't get the joke?

"Good morning, how are you?" is completely different to "where are you going on holiday, what did you do at the weekend?"

I’m interested to know what sort of industry you work in, as I’m much older than mid 40s as are most of my colleagues and it would be very unusual to not know at least a bit about people’s lives. In fact I’ve never worked with anyone who is private to that extent.

A fairly typical example is that I went to my granddaughter’s nativity play last week and told people that’s why I wasn’t in one afternoon. Everyone has asked how it went and we’ve had a general chat about nativities etc.

I work in health and education - is that very different from your industry? I’m guessing something like manufacturing which is very task as opposed to relationship focussed might be like that.

Obviously I see the irony in asking that question given the subject matter, so feel free not to answer 🤣

That means I have replied to ten questions