Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Work is not a social gathering but you still have to be civil and polite at work.

People can get warnings or even be fired for bullying or nastiness

Different? ... Or are we the silent majority?

//

Not sure snow, I'm too busy causing an atmosphere apparently. I mean it's flattering that just I could have such an impact on a room of adults but hey ho.

Yup.

Fuck me, not asking about your weekend is now bullying and nastiness.

Get a hold of yourself

Im with you, OP 100%
You are there to work, not play Happy Families.

You're kidding, right?
What is less professional than asking personal questions about what people do outside of work?
It's intrusive and completely unnecessary

I have people in my team who are best mates with the boss. And it’s very obvious they are the favourite. But I’m always polite to everyone and make an effort to ask about their lives. I’m in no way a people pleaser either. It takes up a minute of your day and creates a better environment. It’s nice to be nice

Did you miss that she also called this other woman "the golden girl". Very nastily and jealously.

I think she doesn't talk to her at all.

Exclusion is a form of bullying

If it’s a family who is dad? 😬

You imagine
That says everything, really
Nothing OP has said supports your vivid imagination
Nothing implies jealousy of any sort (the opposite, actually)
You are making things up from whole cloth

You sound insufferable and aloof.

What the actual fuck.

I know where all of my colleagues are going on holiday next year.

I know where they all went on holidays , this year.

One of them showed me her photos of Greece when she came back. I know that one of my other colleagues went to Italy. My manager also went to Italy.

Are you extremely anti social or something?

You are entitled to protect your private life. I enjoy my work and have some great friends and colleagues. Work are not my family and I will not be forced into social interactions.

Respectful and polite is all that is required for social interactions in the workplace.

If you are not enough for your colleague, maybe they can be too much for you.

I think it is ok not to ask after someone when they have been off for a week. You said good morning and were polite. Sounds ok to me.

If OP is doing her job, doing it well, being polite and getting on with it, that's enough. What concerns me more is she is from another culture, and I am hoping there is not some casual racism going on there. Perhaps the OP's colleague having her called in by her manager for not asking her if she was better after sick leave is exclusion and bullying, no? Can you imagine doing that to a colleague? That's awful.

You must be joking. You've never said to a single colleague "are you going anywhere nice this year ".

That is normal chat.

and in this case a) OP is both civil and polite b) the meanness and bullying has come from those who complained about her

I also think your contempt for your popular colleague is very apparant OP. Because if you are honest, you're not as neutral and disinterested as you're trying to claim. You do have feelings about her. She grinds your gears because of the way other people treat her. Which is not her fault. You call her 'needy' but don't seem to be basing this on anything more than that other people like her a lot and so choose to pay her attention. You've clearly decided that no one woman deserves this fuss, so you will make a stand and be the one that shows her. She's picking up on that and reading it as hostility. Which given your strength of feeling, I'd be surprised if it wasn't obvious. There's a huge space between being pleasant and pandering round someone. You need to put your resentment of this woman to one side and find that place, because that conversation with your boss was not two equals agreeing to differ. You were told to think about the conversation, which is manager speak for 'and make the changes I've requested because im the boss'.

So what if she is?

You didn't read what I said. I was precisely talking about his or her colleagues. And I can tell you they won't (apart from the odd self-important middle manager) care about their personal friendship, just that they do their job well and are fair to others.

I expect he or she will be fairly empathetic to me as a patient, because most doctors are clever enough to learn to do that.

If you really are neutral you wouldn't write a post full of the phrase "golden co-worker". You do not sound neutral at all. By using that phrase you sound like a jealous sibling.

It very much depends on the situation. But to me you don't come across as just professional you sound slightly unpleasant towards this person, you are certainly making some sort of judgement using that phrase constantly in a way that sounds a little spiteful and it does sound like you have an axe to grind and are being quite pointed in your indifference.

If OP is civil and polite , why did she refer to the other woman as 'the golden girl' on this thread.

This situation is one of those things. The manager looks across his group and wants everything to be “good”. A group working together.

Your indifference is making you, look to him, that you stand apart from the group. I’d hope he was talking to you to find out if you have a work issue.

You don’t.
However-
You might choose to describe yourself to Mgr & others using more positive or neutral words - “not chatty” or “ not into small talk”. But you should do the basic niceties for politeness. Saying hi, acknowledging other person. Say good night.

I have experience with a co-worker who made it super clear that she refused to say Hi to everyone or be chatty. She told everyone - just don’t talk to me. Her work went in the In tray, she did her job on phone. Talked to her boss. But never personal. You would see her outside on street and just know “don’t say hi” - I’m not sure if she felt similar to way you do. Try not to tell people “I don’t care !” Instead say - “I don’t do small talk”

At some point after this, it became clear that she was pregnant. No one dared ask her the typical questions. No one knew if she had got married, partner - nothing. Then she went ape-shit bitching that work wasn’t accommodating her for having to reaching up high while pregnant!. But as she never mentioned baby, not submitted paperwork - who would dare ask!!

She was so prickly ! She just seemed angry and hateful all the time. No smile ever.

She did struggle getting head, promotions, etc. No one knew if she had aspirations. some jobs are ok being an “individual” - but if you are in team environment, you might chose to try to participate socially, even a small amount.

Exclusion? If everyone but herself?

Seriously, are you high?

I am so glad I don't work with you as a colleague
Buy then if you spend so much time chatting about holidays, it's probably safe to say that very little actual work gets done in comparison with those who know how to draw a line between work and non-work life

If I ever need a neurosurgeon I hope he or she is good at surgery. If they don't want to be "cordial and approachable" to colleagues then that is rather secondary.

And if i ever need a neurosurgeon I want one who is good at surgery AND works well as a team (considering surgery is a collaborative event), is approachable in case more junior surgeons need advice/guidance, understands that some social pleasantries are necessary so everyone feels comfortable in the operating theatre when doing the surgery!