Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Why is the OP's background relevant and what's wrong with that? Colleagues don't have to be friends as long as people are polite and professional, regardless of who they are,

I'm an introvert. I'm not a chatterer. But I did learn early on, that if you want people to collaborate and co-operate with you, you need them to see you as a person, not a robot. They need to, consciously or subconsciously, want to help you.

So I learned to listen to my colleagues' news, to ask about their family members (who they'd already told me about) welcome them back after illness, and ask how they were etc. Basically I faked it until I made it, and soon I actually did care, those conversations came naturally, and the reward was that my team members always had my back, and I had theirs.

There’s a fine line between being ‘needy’ and being coldly indifferent. You probably come across as stand offish and that office camaraderie is beneath you.

The trouble is it’s quite hard to start warming up when your colleagues have only ever known you (or one) as cold.

Personally I find a cheery hello and hope you’re feeling better, goes a long way to keeping the atmosphere pleasant. You don’t have to actually care but it’s social niceties (even in the work place).

I thought about this as well. It seems a complaint about nothing really. If you have a union, OP, join it and get some advice from your rep.

> It’s hard NOT to develop some form of friendships during your time there

It really is not
I have worked in over 25 organisations, \i can count the number who I would think of a friend on the fingers of one foot

> It is bizarre not to say ‘nice to see you back - glad you’re feeling better’ after a colleague has been off sick.

Not even slightly

I also find it easier to get a long with men. I find women to be much much more emotionally aggressive and cruel than men are

But I think that in itself is a symptom of the patriarchy.

Women have been taught to see women as weak and bad, and something to be hates, and they have been taught to see men as great.

So I think thata why in workplaces you often see women being absolutely vicious and cruel to other women.

It's the same on here - this is a predominantly female board. And everywhere on here you see women being cruel to and tearing down other female posters. The default reply on her is "cruel" not "kind". I've been on other more mixed gender chat forums and those forums are much kinder than this one.

When, if we women were actually kinder to each other, we would be so much stronger as a gender.

I think it's women tearing each other down all the time, that is keeping women in a weak position. If we don't respect our own gender, why would anyone else respect us.

Hi, I also think you could have a least asked the golden Coworker how she was, or I hope you're better.I also see this as a social norm, just like saying good morning.
Obviously you don't have to get ever so friendly at work.It sound sound as if you are coming across as a bit standoffish, and it might benifit you to try a little more to seem friendlier.

I do understand your stance though to some extent, maybe you need to find a different office where people share your views on this?
I think I am a very kind friendly person, but having been stabbed in the back at work, a number of times also try to keep a bit of distance from colleagues.

Fortunately then, as OP has repeatedly pointed out, she's in the former, not the latter, category

Some posters are just being snidey and sticking the boot in now.

I'd ask for the complaint and any others to be made in writing.

Some of the colleagues I've had the most work success collaborating with have been like OP. Absolutely amazing at their jobs, great problem solvers, lateral thinkers. And because this process requires conversation (which OP has aais she does), as a similar personality it's been a great success.

But according to many here my behaviour is cold and I'd better take care I don't lose my job Bloody mental!

Rude coworkers can ruin a whole workplace though.

If one person makes a complaint about you it might just be a ‘them’ problem.

If multiple people make the same complaint about you, you’re the problem.

That sounds exactly like the BBC (BBC News in particular)
We had offsite, 100% mandatory attendance, meetings where the first thing to do was to write, on our numbered notepads why we loved the BBC, what we were most proud of etc. then stick these supposedly anonymous notes in a box
Numbered anonymous notes
After the second of these, I always offered to stay back in the office and cover the systems for breaking news, factual error reports, etc.

Well in the place I work, every man I work with would ask me how I was after returning from being off sick for a week.

What's that got to do with being 'cute and fluffy' enquiring how someone you spend 5 days a week with, checking if they're okay.

Some people are bizarre.

Jesus - how insecure must you be to be so affronted by one person out of your entire office keeping herself to herself.

Why can't people just accept some of us are loners?

Because if you don't interact with others at all, it can make the whole place uncomfortable.

I was on one team. One woman never said a single word to the rest of us. Ever. It made the whole atmosphere really weird.

Crumbs - I get the point that @anissa834 could make pleasantries. But who comes back and complains that someone’s not asked how they are? Especially if they aren’t that chummy with OP. Different if their best mate at work who they’ve known years doesn’t ask, but even then surely the first question would be asking if THEY are ok as not acting themselves. Involving management is really a bit lame here. They ought to respect OP’s desire to just get the work done and not see it as any slur on them … it’s just OP’s way.

Tbh I wouldn't like to work with somebody who has your attitude. Maybe you would be happier working from home if you don't want any kind of social interaction at work.

> ”You’ve changed your name [and are wearing a wedding ring] - have you got married since we last spoke?”
> ”Have you got any plans for Christmas? Oh yours will be hectic as you’re spending it with your small children, sounds lovely”
> ”Have you got any holidays booked for the new year? Not yet? No me either but we’re looking at Seville, have you ever been?”
Urrrrrrgh!
Literally every one of those, especially the first, sound excessively creepy and prying to me
If someone asked me any of those sort of questions I'd want to move in the general direction of 'away' as fast as possible
Small talk is completely unnecessary in professional working relationships
None of those questions are remotely professional

OP has described this other woman as "golden girl" which reeks of jealousy

The other woman is probably picking up on OPs dislike and nastiness to her

That's a you problem, it's not a her problem

The thing is, OP has had issues with multiple people making complaints about her demeanour and how she behaves at work. If it was just one person, it would be different, I think.

There's a difference between someone who keeps their private life private, and someone who can't even bring themselves to make superficial chit-chat about the weather, or what's on in the cinema etc. You don't have to be genuinely interested, but part of being a good employee is fitting in with your team and making some kind of effort on a personal level.

If you just want to be left alone, maybe a job in a busy office with other people isn't the right place for you.

This job isn't the right fit for you OP. You're not wrong in your approach, but you will not thrive with an approach so different from that of the dominant culture. If your boss feels that being 'like a family', warm friendly etc is in the interests of their business (and it is a model that yields success in terms of loyalty, collaboration and buy in) then you will increasingly find yourself undervalued and overlooked. You will lose opportunities on the basis you dont have the 'right interpersonal skills' or are not a 'good team player'. If you want nothing more than to exist in your bubble doing the job youre in, that may not be too much of an issue. Your colleagues will give up on you and work around you eventually. But if you hope to progress then you will have to make some concessions to the culture your boss wants or look for another job.

That's not OP though so what's your point?

I understand what you are saying but you sound pretty cold, I would find it hard to work with someone who feels like you do honestly. I'm being honest here - work places thrive when people are friendly, you don't need to be socialising outside of work but more general social interactions during the day help