Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Incidentally, if there's any need to work together, be collaborative, help each other during busy/crisis times.... be prepared to have this formally referenced as an issue and/or for you to not be able to access any support. But you do you .

I’d rather work with a professional team that would do all that for any team member. It’s unprofessional to discriminate a colleague, surely.

Being normally polite doesn't mean being fake. In some ways I'm quite like you - I'm very comfortable being left on my own all day and I'm not that interested in other people's lives. However, over 30 plus years of working, I've learnt that it's just nice to be polite and generally oils the wheels, so I'll say "Good morning" when I come in, and inquire about people's weekends and holidays, whether they're better after being sick, how their poorly child is, were their children's GCSE results OK, etc etc. It's minimal effort for me, so why not? Refusing to do so out of some sort of principle or just generally lack of interest and bloody-mindedness invariably comes back to bite you.

True. I like my job but Wether you like your job or not, you work because you have to. Not because you want to. At the end of the day, we need to work to pay the bills and eat everyday and have a roof over our heads

Really - this isn’t true. A conversation like this is not bound by GDPR.

I know it’s off topic but it’s really frustrating when people say things like this as a certainty when it’s just not true.

Yes, she is doing that. Saying good morning IS a pleasantry!

Myers Briggs is completely unscientific hokum
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers%E2%80%93Briggs_Type_Indicator

Conversations I’ve had in the past week that I’m actually astounded you’ve never had with a professional contact:

”You’ve changed your name [and are wearing a wedding ring] - have you got married since we last spoke?”

”Have you got any plans for Christmas? Oh yours will be hectic as you’re spending it with your small
children, sounds lovely”

”Have you got any holidays booked for the new year? Not yet? No me either but we’re looking at Seville, have you ever been?”

Out of interest, what small talk do you do to build functional working relationships?

In my professional role that requires team work, there is a requirement of wanting to pull together for the success of the team which means having some element of personal relationship with those in the team… my colleagues who haven’t built this don’t get the same performance out of their team as their is no sense of camaraderie.

I reiterate, I am not friends with these people, do not care about their holidays in any depth other than looking for inspiration for my own, and care for their wellbeing the same as I would a stranger on the street. Not one of them could name my spouse. Most of my colleagues know my married because I changed my name and took three weeks off work, not because I invited them. I can’t think of a world where it’s not weird to not have at least noticed that.

You cannot go around telling colleagues at work the health issues of an employee without their express permission.

If Mike had this information due to him being involved in payroll or as a manager then he absolutely was on breach of confidentiality

And in order to keep your job, you sometimes have to feign interest in other people and make small talk, even when you really couldn't give a shit. That's just part of working in a team and with other people, unfortunately.

It's not about being fake. But your attitude is interesting @anissa834 , and even as a self confessed introvert, you appear to put a great deal of effort into staying aloof. Doing it with relish, in fact.

Do you get much joy from your work?

I agree with this. Her colleague complaining to her boss about the OP not asking after her health? That's really petty. And no workplace is a family...that's just nonsense.

I also found my male colleagues easier to get along with than my female ones. I don't have DC, and frankly, I didn't know sometimes what to talk to my female colleagues about, because that was the main topic of conversation. That's totally fine, and I was polite and nodded along and gushed over the kid's pictures, etc, but well, after a while, I didn't really have anything to say about the matter. I'd rather talk to the blokes about their hiking trip, stuff like that.

OP, I'd suggest getting a job at another firm, or maybe working from home. You might be a lot happier.

Time to join the union! Believe me, people like that always make trouble where none exists.
It has always been my philosophy that work colleague are just that....'work collegues' and they are very rarely social friends. I always kept the two apart and never discussed personal details in work - someone always uses it against you further down the line. I would say good morning and discuss work stuff but their medical problems were none of my business and vice versa.
Your supervisor has no right demanding that you pussyfoot around their Golden Girl.....as long as you are professional, polite and do you work what else do they want??

Now we get to the truth! Drip feed much.

Having an informal conversation may be unwise, unwelcome, or unwarranted. It is not, however, a breach of GDPR

That may be your opinion, I am saying as a person who has managed teams and first came across this as a tool when I worked at a global accountancy firm where it was used extensively, it is a very useful way to get people to view and understand each other's communications differences.

If you don't like it that is fine, but if it works I will recommend it, and it does.

You can't expect to go into work, say "good morning" and then never make any kind of social chit chat with anyone for the rest of the day without being pulled up on your attitude.

Working with other people means feigning an interest in their lives - asking about their weekends, wishing them happy birthday, saying they hope their car passed its' MOT, asking whether their child is feeling better after they were sick last week etc.

It's just basic politeness and human kindness, if nothing else.

This thread is an eye-opener for me too. Neurotypical women think quiet, straightforward and blunt people have some really viscous intentions.

She specifically said she does (and did) do that

And nothing OP has posted has said that she is not cordial nor approachable about work
^^

I spend more waking hours at work then I do with friends and family (sadly!). I would find it uncomfortable to sit next to someone who had no interest in my life or my co workers lives. I don’t socialise with co workers or spend a lot of time chatting but a little discourse and interest in theirs lives is surely the bare minimum.

From your updates OP, you sound like you are being consciously cold to them for no reason. It would be easy to say ‘great to have to back’ or ‘hope you’re better’, but you can’t be bothered or have simply written them off as not being worth your time.

OP says that she does say a general good morning. I assume that she also says 'please' and 'thank you' when appropriate. Not asking a colleague about her health on her return to work is not rude. Some people would actually find it intrusive.

Not sure if you are in the UK or not but it is quite normal to ask how a person is even if you really don't give a shit. What we hope will happen is that they say yeah fine and not give us a history of their verrucca or piles!

In future ask how people are - suppose they say they had a virus or flu Just say "Oh dear, there is a lot of it about at the moment". You don't have to say much at all really and that is all you need to say. Whether you like it or not, you have upset the golden worker. Ok if the boss wants more chat he is obviously thinking about you all being a team, being on the right page(groan). You should not need to chat all afternoon but just a quick "Oh you are back, were you sick?" Unless you already know through work gossip, in which case just a simple "Are you better" (which I guess is obvs if they are back!

Sadly I came on to also ask this. Nice bit of internalised racism, to interpret a person’s neutral demeanour as unfriendly/aggressive? I think I’d be asking for this complaint to be put in writing @anissa834

biscuits** we will have to agree to disagree. For me, it someone I work with doesn't want to converse beyond hello and work talk I don't think there's a problem. Especially if everyone else in the office are such a fab family.

OPs lack of social interaction should not be classed as a behaviour issue and if it it is, then to me everyone else's unhealthy need for more from one person is actually the problem.

And as for trying to manage her out ... that could become interesting from a n employment law perspective

And actually this thread has shown there are many of us who are happy to work like this.

Why can't people just be accepting that some of us are different?