Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

Yes - attitude. You mention just exchanging pleasantries - but OP isn't even doing that! If she was, it would be different.

If multiple people are pulling you up on your behaviour, there's a reason for that. You can't go around being cold and sullen and expect people to just accept it.

If you can't handle people, go and work on your own.

Personal preference as to who you are friends with can never be racism. People are obliged to treat others fairly, not to be personal friends with everyone.

Oh that's an excellent point! The men in the office aren't bothered by this woman but another woman should be - rather sexist of your boss OP!

She didn't say that. She said:

'So I tend to gravitate towards Africans and Caribbean diasporas living in the UK.'

She said that she isn't interested in getting to know her colleagues socially, which is absolutely fine.

Of course, some of her colleagues could be racist. What evidence do you have that they aren't?

Everything OP has said shows that she is civil and polite but no more
Why should she fake some friendly, caring persona for people she isn't friends with and doesn't care about?

> My job requires having lots of professional contacts, I’ve never met one of them outside of working hours but I can tell you if they’ve just got married, if they have children, where they went on holiday etc.

To me that would be very creepy
None of the people I work with would know that I'm married, and certainly not my family situation or my holidays
That's way beyond normal work interactions

I have spent most of my life working in male dominated environments. In all of them, it would have been viewed as odd if one individual never said, "how are you", "glad you are feeling better" or similar to people who have been off ill. From what she has posted, it doesn't sound to me like the problem is OP not being stereotypically female. It sounds like the problem is OP coming across as antisocial and cold. In my experience, that doesn't play well for men or women.

There is plenty of evidence that team members socialising helps to make a team stronger and more productive. You don't have to be best mates with your colleagues, but building good relationships with them helps.

erm where did she state she "has no interest in talking to or getting to know anyone who isn’t of African descent"?
I'm trying to find those words but I can't see them anywhere...

This is so disingenuous @anissa834

We spend 8 hours a day at work. It’s hard NOT to develop some form of friendships during your time there. To have no connections there beyond formal work interactions is a conscious choice - it conveys a coldness and arrogance that can be hard to work alongside.

And you know it.

It is bizarre not to say ‘nice to see you back - glad you’re feeling better’ after a colleague has been off sick.

You just don’t like ‘Goldie’ and that’s fine, but don’t pretend otherwise.

I have been in my current job for 14 years, but when people are first hired it is always on limited contracts, so we have lots of people who only stay for 6 months or one or two years. I have gotten so used to faces appearing and disappearing that, unless I am going to be working with someone on a specific project, I probably won't even speak to them for the entire period of their contract, even if their desk is just a few feet away.

I won't be rude to them if they speak to me, but unless they're asking me a direct question I'm pretty sure that after "hi, I'm fine. You?" my face will probably start questionning why we are having this awkward conversation.

I am really lovely and fussy to my team and other people I work closely with, though even then I would probably go out of my way to avoid bumping into them outside work.

I guess I'm not a people person!

If you want to go under the radar and get on with your work, a few appropriate phrases might facilitate that. ‘Are you feeling better?’ ‘Good!’ would have probably stopped this storm in a teacup in its tracks. 5 words! On the other hand, if you feel strongly that you don’t want to play the game, you’re not obliged to, but stuff like this will keep happening. People do get uncomfortable when others don’t conform to social norms. If you don’t care, then fair enough. But I think you must care, or you wouldn’t have posted! Stock phrases or behaviours are considered culturally necessary, for ease of passage, even if you’re not fully committed. Like saying ‘thank you’, if someone gives you a Xmas present you really wouldn’t have chosen for yourself!

Yes. Some are just making things up now because OP doesn't fit the narrative and is getting piled on by some.

Best response on this thread so far

Is it a small team? Maybe you’re just not the right fit for the team culture?

I don’t think any employers expect kissing the floor or bowing down, but would it kill you to say ‘How are you feeling Jenny? Mike mentioned you were really ill? Or could you not say to other colleagues ‘any plans for Christmas Paul?’ ‘You look nice Sarah’.

Just saying good morning then paying no interest in anyone or anything other than work seems really odd to me. Chit chat, pleasantries and building bonds is part of our working life. You can’t just think ‘fuck it’ I’m not here to talk or make friends.

What does she do that makes you think she wants this? There's nothing in your first post suggesting it.

Oh, I am split on this one. Individually, I see your point and if you crack on with a job and its a job well done, that is great. But work is not transactional. Your problem here is that it sound like a close knit group and your lack of engagement is becoming a problem for some in the team.

Its obvious you are dedicated and a hard worker and being "professional" is very valid. However, spending 8hrs a day in the workplace and creating a sense of community and teamwork is important for overall morale and productivity. While they can't expect everyone to be overly social, small gestures like a friendly greeting or participating in team activities (occasionally) can make a big difference. Your perspective is valuable, and they are not asking you to change who you are, just to help build a positive team environment. It's important to balance understanding your boundaries with fostering a cohesive team environment.

I used to work with a team of guys who talked about football all day, my eyes became double glazed on a regular basis but I still, (occasionally) joined in the team footie events to show willing. There was a ring leader (your golden child) who everyone bowed to...it drove me mad.

But when something goes wrong (whoever's fault it is), sadly, how people support and back you can be based on the social dynamics in the workplace. If you plan on staying, you need to bend a little. In another business with different dynamics it would be fine, but they want a team player from the sound of it and that includes socially. This is not who you are and I understand why, but just put a little effort in to appease them/ Think of it like wearing a seat belt in a car, its a reassuring preventative measure against what could happen.

For someone you don't care about, you do seem to bang on about her rather a lot.

Mike mentioned you were really ill?

In which case Mike (assuming he's a manager or HR) has just broken GDPR confidentiality by giving out personal health information.

not interacting socially - fine

not interacting at all, i.e no general good morning, thank you for holding the lift - not fine

I have always disliked the "we are like a family" sentiment at work. I had one awful manager who once began a team meeting by saying she wanted us all to say why we loved working for the organisation! I watched and listened while colleagues came out with utter bilge and then I said that while I found my work interesting I did not "love" it, that it was necessary for me to earn a living and that was all there was to it. My card was marked from that moment onwards. I have had good jobs, awful jobs, terrible managers, a couple of great managers, wonderful colleagues some of whom have become long term friends and many of whom I am happy to never set eyes on again and I am sure it is mutual. Work is very mixed bag, we generally do it because we need to, we may do it with enthusiasm, with good grace, with passion and commitment or we may hate every moment but still do a good job, It is not a family,even though it can replicate family dynamics. You are under no obligation to be a ray of sunshine at work as long as you are not being rude, obstructive, lazy or a bully that is all that matters.

So you haven’t broken any policies but have been told off. The way you write does sound like you are looking down on them and they won’t like that. Humans can be pack animals and need to defer to the Alpha in the room. You aren’t doing that and it confuses them.

you should now go OTT and get all up in their business seeing as they seem to need your approval.

there will be no career progression with this company so leave if that is your goal.

> Doesn’t sound like a healthy environment at all. I have stage 3 cancer and between multiple operations and treatment, I’ve been off sick from work for 6 months. With an employer where I’ve been for 6 years. No one has said boo to me in that time. Not a hope you’re okay. Not a wish you well for your big surgery and hospital stay. Not a card. No flowers. Literally, it’s like I dropped off the face of the earth except for occasionally having to deal with HR. No one gives a shit.

That's the perfect level of professional work colleague involvement, without prying into your personal life
If some of your work colleagues are also your friends, of course you'd want, expect, and get more, but as OP has said, THEY ARE NOT

Different situation entirely. You are not his colleague. His colleagues and the staff in his operating theatre will have their own views about how easy he is to work with, whether or not his attitude gets the best out of them, and whether he's seen as professional in his interactions with his team and the hospital managers.