Coworkers complained to our supervisor because I am indifferent. Why are people so needy.

[anissa834]

I recently got a job at a new location as a graphic designer.

I've been working there for 10 months so far. I really like this job even tho it's demanding.

But I got problems with my coworkers. When it comes to other coworkers, I mostly talk to them about the work at hand. I work with them when I have to but other then that I don't have any real relationships with them.

My interactions with coworkers are strictly formal and neutral.

I just come in, get my jobs done and go home. Plus I already have plenty of friends outside of work.

Sometimes, some of them would complain that I am anti social and cold but I up until now, it never escalated.

Before the complaint, here are some context.

There is that one lady coworker who is the golden coworker.

You see how many parents have several children but they have that one golden child ? The child that get the most attention, love, gifts and overall gets spoiled and sometimes get away from being punished ?

Well that coworker is the equivalent of a golden child. She is the golden colleague. She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

She is one of those people at work that almost everyone loves and wants to get to know.

I personally don't care about her but I am not jealous or anything but some of my other coworkers also complained that I am indifferent towards the golden colleague even tho I've told them multiple times that I am here to be productive and get stuff done and I have nothing against the golden colleague.

Well the complaint came in because apparently the golden colleague have been out of work for a week last week for some kind of medical problems. I don't really know the details, I don't care.

She came back today. I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job.

Well my boss called me in this morning and he informed me that my indifference and coldness is making people around me uncomfortable. He did say that I am not breaking any company policies and he is satisfied with my performance but perhaps I need to be a bit more warm and friendlier. Even said "we are a family here" . I told him that I've been respectful and professional towards my colleagues but he talked to me about the golden colleague and how she is been out for a week and when she came in, I didn't even ask how is she doing and how her health is improving and how I am always indifferent towards her and that she is a bubbly friendly person and I don't understand why I am so cold towards her.

He let me go eventually because this conversation wasn't going anywhere. We kept going back and forth and we both got annoyed at each other but he told me at the end "think about this conversation okay ?"

Why are people so needy ?

OP has posted this on the Work board. She has been reprimanded for not asking a colleague about her health on her return to work from sick leave.

As other posters have said, some people would find questions about their recent sick leave intrusive. Normally, your manager and colleagues that you are close to will enquire about your health. There should be no obligation on other colleagues to do this.

HRs role is to protect the company. If one employee is seen to be difficult then the HR conversation will already be happening in the background, and it usually starts with the line “we need to start working on a plan to exit [employee x], unfortunately things aren’t working out with them and it is disrupting the performance of the team”.

*She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

she seemingly wants everyone to bow down to her and kiss the floor she walks on and worship her like she is special.

the golden colleague's friend group

don't want to be one of her bootlickers.

the golden colleague's group of bootlickers are all women.

She doesn't get any attention from the men. *

Wrong, I do say good morning when I come into work.

You don't have to love them all or be best friends but if you're projecting a strong "but I don't care about them, so why ask" energy at work it's going to read as rude to other people. A lot of people care more than you seem to about social harmony and projecting an air of 'niceness', so you're not going to fit in well if you don't do the basics.

I'm not going to try and convince you their way is better than yours - it doesn't really matter whether or not you or I or anyone else agrees, because what matters is that they've made clear to you there's a level of friendliness they consider normal or desirable. It's up to you whether you try and meet that, or not. But if you dont, don't be surprised if you run into other issues at work as there's a personality clash.

You know the old saw that cats immediately go to the person who least likes cats?
She's a cat

I 100% agree with you, and I would never dream of asking someone something personal about their absence - maybe that's the way you could phrase it when (not if) something like this crops up again, that you don't like to pry into peoples' private lives?

OP specifically said she does a general good morning to the room.

And many, many people (such as my dh) had no idea they were ND until much later in life. It was our kids getting diagnosed that prompted my dh t get a diagnosis in his late 40's.

OP has very rigid thinking and lots of different things are red flags in her posts. She might wish to consider this and protecting herself.

From the OP's first post: "I said good morning to everybody and began doing what I had to do in the job."

*She is also known to be the boss's good girl. She is extremely loyal to him and doesn't mind snitching.

Curious how you know this when you don’t speak to her or any of her fans.

To be truly professional, you need to be cordial and approachable

That.

None of that is venomous, just someone venting anonymously. Remember that OP has been told
off for not being friendly enough to the bubbly colleague, so she is bound to be feeling bruised.

If I ever need a neurosurgeon I hope he or she is good at surgery. If they don't want to be "cordial and approachable" to colleagues then that is rather secondary.

When I was in my 20s/early 30s and working in a design agency it was great, there was a group of us would work and socialise together. Of course there were others who didn't, but it didn't stop them being good at their jobs.

As I've gotten older, changed jobs and work mostly remotely I know little about my colleagues. Not that it's changed anything. We don't need to be best friends.

It's sounds like an immature workplace, bringing you in to tell you off for not asking how someone is. Really it would make me question whether I saw my own long term future there and whether I'd be better off moving on.

I do think you are giving off a little bit of cold or "I don't care about you" vibe. While you don't have to be fake or friends with your co workers, I think it's also weird to be completely indifferent if you work in the office environment.

I do think that asking someone if they are feeling better is not being fake, or overly friendly, just polite.

Your boss saying "we are family" is a bit weird though.

I think at the end of the day, it doesn't sound like the right working environment for you.

Do you think you'd feel better working as a freelancer / fully remotely since you don't enjoy office environment?

That 'analytical tool' isn't going to change the OP who refers to her colleagues as 'needy'. I'm as 'blue' as it's possible to be but I know how to interact with my work people and it doesn't need laying out.

Most women, I won't say 'all', but most, can read situations very well indeed and are adroit enough to manoeuvre around the ones that they're uncomfortable with. None of us knows OP's colleagues or what they're like, or what OP's like. We only have her report and that's going to be biased only one way.

Disregarding colleagues and letting them know of her 'indifference' towards them is a route out of the job. If that's what OP is angling for then she could do that herself, no validation needed from anyone else.

I think that using 'needy' as a descriptor says quite a lot really. People who don't frequent chatboards could say that those of us who do are 'needy'. It's just a way to slap people down, isn't it?

I assume that she is angry because she has been reported to the manager. Before, she was indifferent to this colleague and her friends, but now she feels disdain due to their actions.

Unless the OP has been actively rude to any of her colleagues, e.g. ignoring them when asked a direct question, saying something unkind about her colleagues to other people in the office, it is a bit of a dick move to speak to a manager because someone on the team hasn't asked your friend about her health on her return to work.

> one for those who want their workplace to be friendly and congenial with supportive interpersonal relationships, and one for those who want to work

And, as we who are professional at work all know, the first half do not want to work
They are more concerned with their chitchat than getting the job done efficiently

OP keeps herself to herself. A polite good morning would be fine for me as I keep myself to myself also.

She isn't going out of her way to be horrible just keeping out of office relationships. Which is fine.

If you are someone who requires more than that from every person you work with and find non compliance form one person enough to upset you to the point that f complaining then you probably need to speak to a professional.

And as for being managed out ... assuming OPs work record is flawless and there's not some policy about modelling office interactions on the Waltons, then you would actually have to be a bit of a cunt to go to those lengths to make someone fit in

Or even ask incredibly personal questions with a supportive, friendly smile and a very loud voice
"So, was your operation terribly painful, will it leave a nasty scar, will it affect how you do 'things' in future?"
People will soon stop sharing their life's trivialities' near you

Do you think that racism could be one of the motivating factors that led to their complaints to your manager?

It’s completely up to you how close you want to get to the people you work with. You’re being polite and professional and you haven’t done anything wrong. Having said that, job offers and promotions are decided on more than just someone’s ability to do the job. They’re usually looking for ‘a good fit’ with the existing team. Getting on well socially with your coworkers - even if you think they’re a bunch of needy puddings - is good for your career.

It very probably is, but she is going to get roundly condemned if she even so much as hints at it. The great British public get really angry and self-righteous if the suggestion they might be a teeny bit racist is ever made.

Sadly not - you are the one who doesn't fall for her bullshit, and the fact that you make this obvious is a threat to her - supposing everybody realised?
You are the child that calls out that the emperor is naked, and she can't let that go unchallenged

Do you think that racism could be one of the motivating factors that led to their complaints to your manager?

erm the op is the one who’s stated she has no interest in talking to or getting to know anyone who isn’t of African descent! No suggestion her colleagues are racist.

None of us are there but some harsh replies here.

Some people like working in friendly environments, some just want to do their jobs. This is where I find MN a bit strange where people generally don't answer their doors, only have nuclear family, see their friends every few years and don't socialise with colleagues because they just want to do their work and not get into competitiveness or politics, yet somebody getting on with it is taken offence at.

No workplace is a family when they'd make you redundant after forty years and forget you if it suited them.

Everybody's different and as long as people are polite and work together for the sake of the job, fair enough. If others wish to chat and socialise, fair enough as well.

I tried being chatty and friendly only to be told off. Fine but when I stopped, logged on did my work and logged off, the manager told me I sounded sad and was quiet. You can't win.

I've also encountered a few queen bee types who liked attention, throwing their weight around and didn't like when people were simply polite and professional, so turned on them. To be blunt, they thrive on constant dramas with people in work and in their personal lives. We're not in work for that.