Told by boss to stop hugging in the office

[Ilovechcolatealways]

Evening all

I have been working at my current job for over 20 years so have built good relationships with most colleagues
I consider it part of my personality to hug certain colleagues. I usually hug hello / goodbye but sometimes also during the working day

We work in a stressful environment, therefore some days are worse than others and I like a hug to relieve stress !!!

Today I was called into an office by my boss and told that I must stop hugging in the workplace and it is not the 'done' thing at work.

In all of my time there, I have NEVER been told / asked to stop doing this.

The recipient's of the hugs always reciprocate the hug and none have ever told me they are uncomfortable with them. Obviously if they were then I would stop immediately and apologise. I have read our policies today and nowhere does it state that hugging is not allowed and I really don't want to stop.

Can anyone offer advice on how I can handle this ???

OP, What are the situations at work that call for hugs?

Apart from someone leaving their job or being upset about something I can’t think of any reasons why a colleague would hug another colleague, not just a one-off but daily (or at least regularly).

Can you not see that this is you deciding and saying that it's ok to violate their boundaries one time on the grounds that you didn't know they wouldn't like it? It's not ok. You don't have the right to make that decision. The fact you think like this shows you don't understand boundaries or how to respect them.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who thinks it's ok to overstep people's boundaries all the time with unwanted physical contact?

It often goes something like this:
A) please don't do xyz again, I don't like it.
B) what?! I only xyz! (sometimes accompanied by by a repeat of the action they've just done and been asked to stop). Followed by much huffng, eyerolling and grumbling as they act to anyone in the vicinity (even if it's just you two) like you're a complete tosser and totally unreasonable for not wanting them to touch you.

Not a conversation I'd be happy to have at work where firstly, my subsequently telling them to fuck off would be frowned upon and secondly, there's a management team who can deal with it instead. Which would allow me to completely avoid the second unpleasantness of the conversation after the first unpleasantness of the initial transgression.

Absolutely!

Same here, our bosses hug (some of) us when they see us but it’s because we haven’t seen each other for a while and a conversation about hugging was had at the beginning of our working relationships, Those that aren’t huggers are not hugged.

I'd actually dread going into work of a colleague was hugging me multiple times a day.

It's creepy and unnecessary.

It may not be someone has complained about you but potentially another creepy person has started to hug people and they don't like it and then on the back of this a blanket no hug policy has been created

Don't brood over it. No hugging at work. Simple.

Awww I think you sound lovely OP (and I’m not a hugger).

I think the OP sounds lovely! I'm a hugger but I can usually get the vibe and don't hug people I know aren't fellow huggers.
How do people cope with the cheek kissing greeting if a hug is too much?
I worked in an area that was professional but we had our favourite clients that we'd socialise outside of work with so it just seemed natural to hug when meeting them in a work capacity.
Maybe someone dislikes you, OP, jealousy because you're a warm and friendly person and I'm guessing they're not.

Stop hugging at work. Clearly someone is unhappy.

I hate being hugged. I have a few huggy colleagues who are like you and will greet that way (not every day to be fair) and it made me so uncomfortable.

I like them and didn't want to hurt their feelings so I would just grit my teeth and go along with it. After a while we all got to know eachother better and I managed to get my point across so they stopped. It's acknowledged in a jokey way that I'm not a hugger but hasn't damaged any relationships.

I wouldn't have gone to a manager about it but I do think it's fair enough that someone does if they want to.

I think it's probably hard to understand if you are that kind of person but being hugged by someone outside immediate family makes my skin crawl!

This. Clearly people have been complaining and rightfully so.

Why not just ask them to stop yourself rather than making a drama and dragging HR into it?

It's very hard for someone to say no to a hug without making the person asking for a hug upset. I've been in this situation, I'm not particularly a hugger, but I did pluck up the courage to refuse which opened up the conversation to everyone not wanting a hug either and felt pushed into doing it.

Just because you like a hug doesn't mean everyone else does and it sounds like you've put others in a position where they can't say no.

As you've stated, you're in a stressful job and hugging helps you. So this is all about you and wanting to make yourself feel good, not others.

Unwanted touching, regardless of innocent intentions, is not wanted nor warranted. It sounds like there's been complaints and you've been asked nicely to stop, so you need to stop.

Work policies won't have anything in them about hugging, don't be ridiculous using this as an excuse, it's sounds predatory.

Just stop putting yourself onto others, unwanted touching would be in the work policies so regardless of how long you've been there and regardless of YOUR needs you could find yourself in a police interview regarding sexual assault as this can be looked into like this.

Also, now your boss has told you to stop, whixh you need to adhere to, it will be on your records that this has been discussed which means any further complaints could lead to you being dismissed.

This - the world has changed in the last 20 years. No longer ok to have physical contact with colleagues. If any are friends outside work, hug them outside work. Your colleagues are not there as props to relieve your stress.

I think it’s really unprofessional and inappropriate to hug at work. Sorry.

But as I already said, faire la bise in French workplaces isn’t a sign of particular friendliness or affection or warmheartedness or not being ‘buttoned up’, it’s as formal and token as a handshake. Colleagues who loathe one another do it.

Exactly. And it doesn't involved hugging. It's a very long time since I worked in an office in France but people didn't hug each other.

I think the OP's behaviour was ridiculous.

Can anyone offer advice on how I can handle this ???

Stop hugging people in the office?

New sexual harassment laws have just come in. You need to stop this, it's not appropriate, in my office if you carried on after that conversation you'd be in a disciplinary meeting. People may not have told you they feel uncomfortable but may have told your boss. It's unprofessional and weird.

In a previous working environment a female colleague of mine was very 'touchy-feely' and a hugger and I felt very uncomfortable with it. Firstly because I'm not like that, secondly because I don't believe that it's appropriate office behaviour, and thirdly because (as a bloke) were I to behave in that way I'd have been (correctly) put under a disciplinary process or more likely fired.
Needless to say I never bothered to complain though.

This. In only in our emotionally repressed culture (and I'm sure a few others too) that all physical contact by colleagues is "inappropriate". I think it's sad. The OP has said she only gives hugs a handful of colleagues she knows well and is friends with out of work. My best friends are people am I met at work. We all hug. We probably wouldn't have been daily huggers when we worked together but if one if us had I really don't think any of us would have minded, and if we had we knew each other well enough to say "I'm not a hugger".

Tbh if you can't say that (in a pleasant way) to anyone, and instead have ti go behind someone's back to the boss to get hugs banned for everyone, some of whom seem to get something out of it, I really have no time for you probably need some assertiveness training. The only time you should go to the boss should be if you've said "no thanks" and they've continued.

and I like a hug to relieve stress !!!

Well clearly someone doesn't so they reported it. Very odd office behaviour, all that hugging 🤗

I've RTFT now. Well done for stopping the hugging.

I hadn't heard of the new laws but I'm so glad that they've come in and some Employers are taking them seriously.

As a Mum of a young DD who is about to start working for a large organisation I'm so pleased that she will very hopefully not be subject to the levels of physical contact and sexual harassment that I had to endure in the 80s and 90s.

I think this is a good time for some self reflection. Why do you feel the need to relieve stress so often during the day? It's possible that you work on a high stress job but it's time to start to look at other ways of finding something to calm you.

You also have called your boss a Cunt. There must be a massive backstory and I don't think she's asked you to stop out of malice. She's asked you to stop because it's very unwanted behaviour, extremely unprofessional and she probably wants you to do some work instead of hugging 4 or 5 colleagues multiple times a day.

I'd also reflect on how well you understand and read people. You've said that you're good at this but I'm not the first to point out from your replies that this doesn't appear entirely true and might be something to think about,

Putting the responsibility on to colleagues to tell you to stop hugging them is unreasonable, They shouldn't have to. The default in any workplace setting would be not to hug anyone. You are forcing physical intimacy, You don't need to check the rules to know it's not appropriate. I have a colleague who hugs, it's an unpleasant invasion of personal space, and forces an uncomfortable confrontation and discussion about personal boundaries.