I despise my fiancés place of work

[MrsH15001]

my fiancé has been at his place of work for around 9 years now. Long before he became a parent, since he’s now a father they have absolutely done their upmost to make life difficult for him.

Im a SAHM so it’s very rare probably only emergencies when he needs to be home, like now. Our DS is in full time school, DD 18 months old is currently in a cast with a fractured tibia/fibia I do not drive, it’s a 20 minute walk to my sons school but I do it daily. The issue is now I can not dress my child due to the fracture and the cast she has, she’s only able to wear tops right now. It’s absolutely bucketing it down with rain and freezing cold were we live. We have absolutely no help so I have no one to take or collect my son from school. My daughter is currently also unwell with a chest infection so taking her out in tops and coat is not ideal in this weather. Fiancé is due to finish work at 7:30pm and I’ve asked if he can leave early to collect our son. We have no village, just us. He said no, work won’t allow him. Me and him are now currently not seeing eye to eye as I’m saying it’s a legal requirement to allow unpaid leave to look after a dependent. Alls he needs to do is collect him and bring him home then return back to work. He’s saying it’s pointless by the time he leaves work and gets back it won’t be long until he finishes. But we need it, I need the help. He says he’s also asked his manager and it’s down to his employer and their saying no so there’s nothing he can do. Just don’t know where to stand I feel everything is just so hard for me right now I’m struggling to split myself in two. It’s only today (mon &Tuesday) as he’s off the rest off the week and she will be in the clinic on weekend getting her cast changed..

I’ve called the school and asked if he can be added onto the taxi service which I’m happy to pay for but unfortunately he doesn’t meet the criteria.. I have no one else to ask and I don’t know what to do

You need a support network around you. I would have helped out and walked your son to school in your situation. When a friend's youngest had chicken pox I did the school run for her eldest.

Can you not put her in a pram wrapped with blankets and a rain cover on? It's unreasonable to expect work to release him to avoid a short walk in the rain. I understand it must feel very stressful but this is easily solved. It might not be ideal not having trousers on but blankets will easily keep her warm enough and a footmuff if you have one on the pram

I’m sorry I do sympathise but he can’t just skip out of work like that, most people have to give notice.

Im wondering in your last workplace was this allowed or why you are thinking his workplace is flexible, because a lot of companies are not this flexible and it’s not their fault.

After your update op, I think you're panicking and upset and not thinking straight.

Being outside without trousers does not automatically mean cold. You could wrap her up till she was boiling if you wanted. No one cares if an 18 month old has trousers on or not. In fact, decent fresh air whilst all wrapped up cost will do her good.

Realise this is not an emergency. Going after this one will render you voiceless when an actual emergency arises.

Lots of posts about trousers but is there any reason that your DD can't be put in a skirt (and one long welly sock) in a buggy for the school run? Or wear a dress that basically just goes out from the shoulders, if waist/cast are in the same place on an 18mnth old.

Can you drive him to/from work so you have access to the car during the day?

You assume that being a non driver is a choice, it might not be. Medical reasons, lack of cash for two cars. Even if learning is possible it is hugely expensive, lessons themselves and a car and insurance!
You do not ‘need’ to drive to bring up children!

To be honest I think it is totally unreasonable to ask him to leave work early. I am failing to understand why you can't use a cosy toes or lots of blankets. Cut a leg off a pair of leggings and put your daughter in the buggy with rain cover on. She can be wrapped up pretty warm and it isn't exactly the middle of winter! Even with a chest infection you aren't asking for her to mix with others,she will be in a buggy with frsh air and cosy under blankets.

I realise this isn't helpful with your issues right now, but long term- might your daughter qualify for DLA mobility element? I have a child with different needs but a similar level and if I had needed my husband for appointments and issues like these then neither of us would have been able to hold down a job.

I would definitely recommend looking into it and if you can get a car on Motability so much the better, it will change your life honestly.

I hope your LO recovers quickly from the chest infection and the break. Shorter term is there not a class whatsapp group or facebook page- I'm sure there would be someone local who would help with lifts?

I’m a bit confused why he’s saying if he does pick up (at 3ish?) that there’s no point him going back to work, when he finishes at 7:30. How far is it for him to get to school then home then work?

I think you do need to have a serious conversation about him looking for a more flexible job, though.

Then it is time you moved to somewhere that has good transport links, and start looking at expanding after school clubs, childminders etc for emergency cover since you cannot rely on their father to help out with childcare during working hours. If she is this ill then I can't see ANY employer being good enough so it's not as though he could change jobs.

Start looking at what you can change to make your life easier.

None of this really makes sense. Plenty of teens pay for their own driving lessons. Plenty of teens and 20somethings pay for their own uni.

If you worked you’d be more likely to be able to afford a second car, that’s rather the point.

Just some info for you. I learned to drive at 17. I’m now 30. 18 months ago I gave birth to my daughter who has CHD. She was born with a rare heart defects and many other complications. She’s not had a easy life, I have had to come out of work to look after my child as until she can have the surgery she needs to somewhat have a “normal” life. Now with me being unemployed and caring for my child and living of what few benefits I get and my partners income which is ever so slightly above minimum wage I could not afford to have a car. For us to pay our bills and feed our children the car had to go!

It's a mild inconvenience, not a mental health emergency

@MrsH15001 can you not drive your fiance to work and then use the car yourself during the day? It would be a bit of a pain but surely it's much better than having no car.

He asks for unpaid leave, its always a fight and a struggle for him to take the time he needs. Work do everything possible for him and deny the leave it causes too much upset at home so therefore I go alone. His work has always been unreasonable in terms of that

So why don't you take the car, drop DH at work and DS at school, and then do the pick ups? Not solving today's problem, but it would work for tomorrow.

While your DD is (rightly) the centre of your universe, the rest of the world doesn't prioritise her in the same way, and tbh if a colleague left work for this reason I'd be raising an eyebrow.

With a chronically ill child you need to be on good transport links near a hospital.

Rain’s not an emergency. YABU.

DH shouldn’t fib to you about being refused emergency leave. HABU.

But I can see why he didn’t ask.

Talk to him about why you feel unsupported - he might feel the same. You need a little rest.

OP said son is only in 2 days this week. Daughter has chest infection and cannot be dressed properly, cast is being replaced at weekend. Things will probably be more manageable by the time son is due back in school. That’s the difference 2 days would make

YABU to expect him to drop everything and leave work for a non emergency situation. My DH would not be able to do that. Why can't you put her in a child's sleeping bag, that would keep her cosy and warm.

Unfortunately, they don't have to give him leave.

"there is no legal right to take time off to accompany your child or family member to a medical appointment that is known about in advance"

https://workingfamilies.org.uk/articles/can-i-take-time-off-work-for-my-childs-medical-or-other-appointments/#:~:text=If%20your%20employer%20does%20not,is%20known%20about%20in%20advance.