I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

Love it! Sums it all up.

Talk to your manager or HR, and ask them to direct her to a support forum instead of unloading on her colleagues who have their own problems and mental health to think about.

Headphones.

Every time.

It is ok to listen politely some days and other days to have your headphones on or leave the room or be typing and not look up. There is a balance with being kind and understanding and not giving more than you have to give.

I like point two the most. I'll use that. Thanks xx

pritty much this

I had the misfortune of being stuck with one of these for 15 years. Yep. I was the sounding board/therapist:/unpaid counsellor. Never asked anything about me and my life. Just an energy vampire. A piss taker who demanded more and more. A time-thief. Texting randomly even though I’d just had to listen to hours of it “do you think, do you think. Can I just run this by you” Once I moved on I went NC for my own well-being

This

i do think a lot of people who post on MN need to learn to "use their words"

Seriously, you don't like her, you don't work with her, you literally only have to see her get water. Why don't you just say "stop it" every time.

Tell her that if she is going to continue yakking away about this stuff, she can get her water elsewhere? You don't have to be nasty. You don't have to be rude. And you don't have to be forced to hear it (so don't let any pushback from you be escalated and you get told to "be kind".)

Be polite. Be reasonable. Be firm. "I have sympathy/empathy. But i don't want to hear this."

I wouldn’t ask her any questions, that’s asking for an ear-bashing.

Acknowledge with ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’, don’t ask how she is.

If she starts on about something, ‘mmm, I can tell that’s bothering you’. Or if it’s complaining about, say, the journey in ‘oh well, you’re here now’. If she starts anyway, just tell her that you’re busy and have to get back to work.

You shouldn’t have to do this, but when going to a common area, you could set your an alarm on your phone for 3-5 minutes later, so if you get pounced on, when it goes off, it gives you an excuse to go and deal with something (which may or may not exist).

@user1471867483 Highland springs do boxes of water that last for weeks without being refrigerated, maybe ask the manager if they can be placed next to the kettles in offices without water?
Maybe just mention it with, "the in and out of people in the office really distracts me".

I'm very sympathetic to the families of dementia sufferers and it is awful but some people would use anything the could for a reason to moan, whilst she is worried about her poor mum she may also be someone who'd moan to you about anything and sadly the mood hoovers they are exist regardless of how genuine their problems are, these people can't be helped.

She sounds like a 'yes but-ter'. Very draining because nothing you can suggest will be acceptable, she will always have a 'but'. I'd go to the loo as soon as she arrives, myself - because you can get into awful tangles with people who do this.

That is probably why she thinks you will understand, and be sympathetic.

I know a few folk like this - energy vampires. They have a problem for every solution and like to wallow in self-pity. They like to do that because they like the attention don't they.
I'm very empathetic, but I do have my limits when someone is constantly negative.

I have a lovely little plaque which sits on my desk from time to time whenever I don't want to be disturbed, and which reads:

Piss Off
I'm Busy

Maybe get one of those?

Exactly!

It sounds as though she just needs to vent. I am the same with my husband's sometimes and it makes it worse when he says things like 'it will all be all right ' because how does he know and it might not.
All I want at that time is a bit of sympathy and understanding about how hard things can be sometimes

No, God forbid. But I do have some that say:

'Did I just roll my eyes out loud?'

'My family tree is full of nuts'

'Would you like to speak to the man in charge, or the woman who knows what's happening?' (that's another work one, but not appropriate for where I'm working right now).

'My house was tidy last week - sorry you missed it'

I also have mug which says 'I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right'

😎

I can say I'm not joking if you like.

I used to have a male colleague like this. He had been made redundant as a bank manager and come to work in a supermarket. He struggled with people being higher up than him and moaned about them constantly. He was always unhappy and everyone who worked around him found it difficult to cope with. We couldn't escape because he moaned as he worked! I'm afraid nobody found the solution but eventually he decided to retire.

Just excuse yourself and leave the room. You don't owe her anything.