I don't know what to keep saying to my coworker

[user1471867483]

My coworker is a lady in her early 60's and she and her brother and sister are looking after their mum who is 92 with dementia. Every day she will come into our office to fill her kettle (as her office doesn't have a sink) and she will give us the latest on her mother's mental state; even down to her bowel movements and what her mum leaves hanging around her flat in strange places. She updates us daily about her mum, so much so I feel drained after. It's not like she's on her own to look after her mum, she has a huge family. When it's just me in the office when coworkers are off, she'll go on sometimes half an hour telling me about her mum.
Anyway, this morning, she came in to fill her kettle again and my coworker asked her how she was and she said, "Oh well. You know I was thinking about my mum and the winter and how if it snows how will her carers get there on time". I said to her, "Well, let's hope the snow won't happen. We have to think positive" and she bit back, "BUT I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT, THAT IT WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE IT MIGHT". It doesn't matter what I say to try to say to pacify her in the past as well, she comes back with some slight attack. How should I handle her when she comes into the office in the mornings? I'm starting to dread her visits. I can completely understand her predicament, but she doesn't even ask how I am!

But it's not ok to use the OP as a sounding board for her own problems.

As someone with a progressive condition, I get upset, annoyed I’m 62, 7 years in ( don’t work), if folk ask, bad day or whatever, easy to get insular.
write a note, tell her it’s a bit much, mention a suitable support group, which may help.
i live alone, being insular is unhealthy

I think a lot of PPs are lacking empathy for the colleague. She just needs to vent about a situation she can't control. Nod and smile, and she'll think you're a good listener. She's not being rude by not asking about you, she just won't have the headspace to think about anyone else. For you, it's an annoying few minutes on weekdays. For her, it's every minute of every day. Cut her some slack.

Listening to someone talk at you for ages is one of the worst things ever

Clearly you have no understanding of how difficult caring for someone with dementia is and hopefully you never will for you have no empathy

Smile and nod but don't engage by responding which will only encourage her to continue speaking, just make sympathetic noises in the right.places but def don't respond verbally

Actually the OP does and so do I.

I still wouldn’t tell my colleagues all about my parent’s bowel movements every day because 1. its not appropriate at work and 2., it’s not very dignified or respectful to the parent. Those are private personal details and I highly doubt this woman’s mother would appreciate all and sundry knowing about her fecal incontinence.

Would you want a relative detailing all your toilet habits to everyone at work??

Argh no, I would hate this.
id feel bad for her and sorry for her with her situation, it can’t be easy, but as harsh as it may sound, it’s also not your problem.
You surely don’t have half an hour free every morning to listen to this! Aren’t you supposed to be working? Does your manager not notice and have some sort of problem with this? In my place of work we’d never get away with standing around having a half hour chat every morning.

I do. I think I spoke about it at work maybe once. I am a professional and hold boundaries.

I guarantee that this lady is speaking to about 4 or 5 different people at work. That’s potentially 2 hours a day not working. It’s not on.

Oh God I have this with a direct report. I try to avoid lengthy catch ups, but they always have "urgent business" reasons for a catch up - and then spends hours moaning to me about their life

I am a therapist and I think she is being unreasonable. It’s not ok to blather on about your problems to work colleagues without invitation. She would benefit from learning how to read the room. She needs to respect others’ boundaries and it sounds like she also really needs a therapist.

i think your options are:

1. Don’t encourage her. Get up, look away, signal you’re not really interested. She’ll probably vent at someone else.
2. Take her aside and say you’re really sorry she’s having such a hard time and you understand, but she should probably find a professional to talk to as it’s too much for you and it’s distracting you from your work.
3. Complain to your boss and ask her manager to have a word
4. Continue to suffer - I don’t think you should do this!

Don’t ask her how she is. Ask her other random questions … have you tried the doughnuts from new cafe … what lipstick is that you’re wearing …. Have you seen the news about Bob Geldof …

Learn the art of ending a conversation, acknowledge what they have said and tell them you need to get on with things

“I understand you must be terribly busy with all of this going on, Cheryl… Speaking of busy… I really have to get back to work. Were under the pump atm… Hope you have a lovely day.”

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but why should the OP have to dance on the head of a pin for someone who clearly has no social filter. She's treating her office as a therapy session, burdening other people with information they can do nothing with. Engagement just enables her to continue behaving inappropriately.

In the interests of all concerned, OP ought to have a quiet word with their manager, stating good intent that she isn't completely unempathetic towards the colleague but that she's unable to help further, it sounds like the colleague needs external counselling support, but mainly that it is highly disruptive to the smooth-running of the business to have her spending 30 mins a day not working because of her outside family issues.

The manager should step in and take the matter forward to resolve it. There is a general duty of care to the colleague but it needs to be handled professionally because there is still a business to run.

It's a tricky one..you don't want to seem rude but also you're at work so it's not the time or the place.

its fine to acknowledge what she’s said then politely say you’ve got to get on with work. It would be silly to involve a manager when with a small amount of effort OP could easily resolve this herself. My manager would ask me how I plan to resolve issues and give me techniques if stuck.

‘Yes it must be so worrying that your mum only eats minestrone soup. Now I must get on with my work, I’ve got a piles of emails to work through before the end of the day’ then turn away and start working.

You’re not a therapist and it’s not for you to take on this coworker’s personal problems. I’d just say you’re sorry that it’s so tough with her mother and then excuse yourself from the room. You don’t have to give a reason, but if you want to you could say you need to join a call, attend a meeting or go to the loo. You can also avoid the kitchen at the times she usually goes there.

I have a colleague like this

She thrives on other people's pity and sympathy

If something bad has happened, she doesn't want advicr. She just likes to share

Just nod and sympathise..:poor you!

Then turn away, pick up the phone and pretend to make a call

Don’t offer advice or ways she should manage her stress/negativity.

If she wants to be negative that’s up to her and she clearly doesn’t appreciate your intervention. So stop.

You could try the morning greeting a little differently too - "morning, it's a beautiful day out there today isn't it? Wish I'd put my washing out" - don't give her the chance to start on about her shit family life/situation.

If she does start on, try polite pacifiers instead, like “ah that’s a worry, I hope you get sorted”.

Don't try and jolly her along or be positive, she just wants a bit of a rant.

Lots of "how difficult", "how worrying for you" or just "mmmm" while edging away.

She is unloading because she is worried about her mum. However yiu don't have to listen - especially if the info includes bowel movements! Just be ready to give her a quick "hello" and go and do something else. Pop to the loo, put your headset on or ear phones in, put your head down and do your work. Ha e.some stock phrases like "must get on i ha e been given a.lot tondo" or similar. Filling her kettle won't work, she will find another reason to come through to your area as she wants to talk.

Go to the loo when she comes in!

Your last sentence said it all! 👏

Unpopular opinion maybe but having gone through what she is going through, it’s all consuming and devastating. If it’s draining listening to it, imagine it being your reality. Its 30 mins max. Be on a phone call. Leave the room but if you do nothing else…..thank god that you only have to listen to it.

As a lot of us have said - we HAVE lived it, and STILL don't want to continually hear others talk about it.

Once or twice fine - but every day for 5/10/30 mins? Hell no