How to deal with ‘hello beautiful’

[Sunflowersandspiders]

A man in my office has started saying ‘hello beautiful’ to me when I see him. It seems to be a common schtick for him that he deploys on lots of women I work with. It makes me uncomfortable, I want it to stop, but I don’t know what to say. ‘Hi John, do you mind not commenting on my appearance please?’

At the moment I’m avoiding him, trying not to walk past his desk, no eye contact if he walks past mine. Probably can’t be sustained eternally.

Sidebar: why do men do this? Control? I am so tired of having to navigate this shit in the workplace.

Hello beautiful back to him and a smack on the arse
How much fun that would be
W⚓️

Erm clearly it is different from calling someone and old fattie, let's not be disingenuous. That is literally the worst comparison I've ever seen

It's awkward to be called beautiful by a coworker you're not interested in flirting with, but it's not the same as someone hurling insults at you.

why don't you just tell him you don't like it instead of going onto a forum to analyse and create a load of internal drama about someone being a bit oblivious.

FFS are you THAT desperate for male attention? Really?

The actually correct response is one of those given above about dealing with it professionally.

It would be quite tempting to reply with "hello dear" though, as if he is a little boy and you are his mum.

All this response does is underline the fact that you’ve got a tendency to overreact. Your comparison of “hello fatty” isn’t remotely similar and is a daft comment.

As a society, many people use colloquialisms in greetings - even in the workplace. Love, darling, lovely, hon, mate, duck, pet…..the list is endless. “hi gorgeous” or “hi beautiful” aren’t a judgement on appearance necessarily. It’s often considered a “nice” way to greet someone when it’s meant genuinely. I often start messages to friends with “hey beautiful” and they do to me too. I’m no stunner but it’s a friendly opener. It’s nothing to do with how I look.

Misogyny is real.

The patriarchy is real.

But not getting offended by a common greeting doesn’t mean that you don’t believe it.

Men don’t greet men like that because it’s treated as weird in our culture. And that’s a shame.

You don’t have to like the greeting and it’s fine to tell someone to stop. But it’s not automatically misogynistic or harassment. Sure, if you ask him to stop and he doesn’t, then report it to HR if you feel it’s deliberate.

I guess my question is what is his usual behaviour like? Is he sleazy? Handsy? Flirtatious and inappropriate? Does he call everyone by terms of endearment or just you? If it’s part of a wider picture of behaviours or you feel targeted then I can see why it would be so problematic and absolutely deserves to be taken further. I think context matters.

But if it’s a genuine and good natured greeting then I think it’s a bit of a shame that it’s automatically denounced as a controlling, misogynistic piece of bullying. Of course, you can still tell him to stop even if he thought he was just being nice!

Maybe we’re all so sick of male entitled behaviour and oppression of women that we’re ready to pounce rather than considering the wider picture ie/that he was maybe just trying to be nice. And some people WOULD consider this nice - I probably would tbh.

If he’s a misogynistic dick in general, that would change my view but I couldn’t see anything else described by OP?

You articulate my thoughts exactly.
Context is everything.

OK, I hope you don't mind getting a comment from a fellow man.

I doubt very much he's saying "Hello beautiful" to everyone to be controlling. He probably thinks he's doing a nice thing and he will be utterly oblivious to your feelings unless you tell him.

Doesn't have to be awkward, the next chance you get just say "Could I have a word in private.....I know you are trying to be nice when you comment on my appearance by saying Hello Beautiful, but you don't realise that I find it uncomfortable when someone does that to me and I'd appreciate it if you didn't from now on. Okay?"

He'll definitely know where you stand and it might make him think what if the other women don't like it also.

That's if he's nice.

If he's a dick he'll get in a strop.

Yeh but fattie is an insult. Being called beautiful isn’t. Lucky you weren’t in offices in the 80s. You’d never have survived

Morning Fatty!!

I checked Debrett's guide to etiquette, and apparently the correct response is "Goodbye wanker."

Tell HR. Then correct him.

Men can get vengeful about being told no - even if he stops doing the thing you calles him out for. That might be him calling you a bitch under his breath, or it might be him talking you down with other staff, or any of a million ways he might get back at you for insisting on respect and professionaism.

If he's doing this to many women, he's a problem in the workplace and it likely runs deeper than a sexist greeting. He may advance, gain in power or status, and his BS could become a real problem for other women, or for you.

Let HR know - you may well not be the first to bring this to their attention.

Do you actively want all women to suffer the same injustices that you did? Surely we want to make the workplace and the world ever better and less sexist for those who come after us.

This thread made me smile as I am greeted with 'hello, beautiful' by one of my co workers. She's seventeen and I'm in my sixties, and it makes me smile every time. Completely different of course. As you were...

Report her to HR; she's a handmaiden of the patriarchy.

Reply with similar in return "hello gorgeous" etc?
Or get a male colleague you're friendly to say something along the lines of "John why don't you ever say I'm beautiful". Might make him think 😂

@Cattery quite right! I worked in offices in the 80s and if you'd run to HR because someone had said 'hello Beautiful' you'd have been laughed at😆

This is 2024 and she can tell him she doesn't like it. She doesn't have to navigate minor issues by creating a big exhausting narrative around them every time they occur.

Teaching women to overreact to everything isn't making anything better.

He is being unprofessional and inappropriate, and if he is a decent person would be grateful to be told to stop it.

The thing is, it isn't the 80s anymore. Times have changed, and these days 'hello beautiful' is inappropriate in the workplace.

That's not the point they were making.

It was fucking annoying in the 80s too! Just because we had to tolerate that bullshit doesn’t mean we liked it.

As for @mansplainingsincethe90s -
I doubt very much he's saying "Hello beautiful" to everyone to be controlling. He probably thinks he's doing a nice thing

Yeah, they never think they are controlling or doing anything other than being nice. That’s because it’s so ingrained that it’s ‘fine’ to refer to a woman’s appearance or undermine her professionalism with a shallow, reductive greeting. That women actually want a comment on their looks from random workmate bloke.

Rule of thumb in the workplace - if you wouldn’t say it to your boss or to a man, don’t say it to a female colleague.

Rule of thumb in the workplace - if you wouldn’t say it to your boss or to a man, don’t say it to a female colleague.

100% agree.

And just because something was tolerated in the 80s does not mean people are "over sensitive" if they object to it now that they feel empowered to do so.

I work with a lady who says this or she says “hello gorgeous”.

I think it’s lovely but if you feel uncomfortable then it’s defo best to have a quiet word.

I used to work in a prison and if one of the prisoners tried saying that (not allowed but for some it’s just habit) then I would joke that I didn’t realise my name had changed.
I would then remind them that ‘Sarah’ will do just fine, as that is my name.

If they did it again, I would be more direct and say that although I know they don’t mean anything by it, I am uncomfortable with them calling me that and would appreciate just calling me my name or miss in future.

If I was you, I would have a similar approach.
Say it in a jokey way.
If he carries on, pull him to the side and just explain that you don’t like it and if he can stop in future.

Nobody has actually said that

Here's another rule of thumb, assume the best of people when teaching them how to treat you, or don't complain when you end up with a load of aholes giving you short shrift for your own human misgivings.