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Original poster

Overwhelmed lawyer toddler mum

127 replies

serialplanner · 13/01/2024 21:30

Just a standard rant if anyone can relate.

I feel so sad today! Hormonal, but sad!

I work for a city law firm. Everything is so urgent and high pressured. It does not need to be! I am not a litigator or anything remotely important! I just work with such academic personalities where work is everything to them.

I have a 2yo. I don't want to miss bedtimes and work late.

The tricky thing is, our economy is to shit so I need my salary and I don't know what I could do that makes me £70k a year for 4 days a week work.

I know this is such a privileged rant. Please don't attack me but if you are a mum in a high stress job feeling like you can't do anything right it would be nice to know I'm not alone. I broke down in tears this morning because my boss was chasing me on something, I was trying to clear some emails so I could take my daughter out and forget about work for a few hours but as 2yos do she would not stop going on and it tipped me over the edge. I have felt suicidal before (I will not harm myself but you just get to a point of WHAT IS THE POINT)

I don't want that to happen again. I'm struggling. I don't know what to do right now and with the bigger picture.

I know you won't have the answers. I'm just desperate and confused xxxx

OP posts:
tortiecat · 13/01/2024 21:36

You are not alone Flowers
I am a lawyer with one DS. Some days and weeks feel like I am chasing my tail and feel that I am a thinly stretched balloon about to burst.
What are your childcare arrangements, what support do you have?

tortiecat · 13/01/2024 21:40

I am so sorry you have had such a tough day xx

Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 21:42

Thank you so much for the reply.

My childcare is okay. Nursery 3 days. Grandma's one day and then I am with her one day. My support system is decent. Which is part of my frustration. I shouldn't be so not okay. People have it much worse :(

I just struggle with working late since being a mum. Either don't want to miss out on my kid or I'm too tired to log on. I resent it more now (post COVID?!) The culture is "it's not a 9-5 job" which might be fair but the pay is only 9-5?!

I think strategically I need to last out the financial year (March) which will be our stress and then see if I can suffer a change or job or sector.

God knows what that is!

Any tips? Sorry you feel this way too.

OP posts:
Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 21:42

tortiecat · 13/01/2024 21:40

I am so sorry you have had such a tough day xx

Thank you xxx

OP posts:
Snipples · 13/01/2024 21:46

I could write this. Also a lawyer, based at an international firm. We have two young kids, aged 3 and 5. I work four days a week (in theory) but very much always 'on'. Husband also a lawyer.

We are fortunate in that our firms are both pretty flexible so we can do school drop off and pick up (leaving office at 5ish) so we're around for bedtime but this means always back online until late most nights once the kids are down. It's exhausting. We're constantly glued to laptops and there's not much work life balance at all. I've asked to step back from being a fee earner into a client training role (I'm expecting they'll tell me to piss off but worth asking). If they say no I will be seriously reconsidering career paths as it's just getting too much and I feel overwhelmed all the time.

It's crap really. Once you're into senior levels you're trapped in terms of financial commitments and needing the salary so it's not easy to find alternatives that work. Sorry, not sure I have much helpful advice for you but you're not alone, it's a very unforgiving career for family life and balance. I'm trying to say no more in work and set firmer boundaries but it's a losing battle!

Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 21:50

Snipples · 13/01/2024 21:46

I could write this. Also a lawyer, based at an international firm. We have two young kids, aged 3 and 5. I work four days a week (in theory) but very much always 'on'. Husband also a lawyer.

We are fortunate in that our firms are both pretty flexible so we can do school drop off and pick up (leaving office at 5ish) so we're around for bedtime but this means always back online until late most nights once the kids are down. It's exhausting. We're constantly glued to laptops and there's not much work life balance at all. I've asked to step back from being a fee earner into a client training role (I'm expecting they'll tell me to piss off but worth asking). If they say no I will be seriously reconsidering career paths as it's just getting too much and I feel overwhelmed all the time.

It's crap really. Once you're into senior levels you're trapped in terms of financial commitments and needing the salary so it's not easy to find alternatives that work. Sorry, not sure I have much helpful advice for you but you're not alone, it's a very unforgiving career for family life and balance. I'm trying to say no more in work and set firmer boundaries but it's a losing battle!

This is helpful and I'm sorry your day to day is so hard. If many of us can feel this it does expose it is the profession, not us, so it is worth thinking of something else. It's odd people (family) can be so proud but is it a bit or a trap career!

I need to decide whether to have a second kid (mat leave) and then reconsider life! But I'm going to have a think what that can be from now. I can't do this for another 5 financial years, never mind 20-30 years x

OP posts:
Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 21:51

Snipples · 13/01/2024 21:46

I could write this. Also a lawyer, based at an international firm. We have two young kids, aged 3 and 5. I work four days a week (in theory) but very much always 'on'. Husband also a lawyer.

We are fortunate in that our firms are both pretty flexible so we can do school drop off and pick up (leaving office at 5ish) so we're around for bedtime but this means always back online until late most nights once the kids are down. It's exhausting. We're constantly glued to laptops and there's not much work life balance at all. I've asked to step back from being a fee earner into a client training role (I'm expecting they'll tell me to piss off but worth asking). If they say no I will be seriously reconsidering career paths as it's just getting too much and I feel overwhelmed all the time.

It's crap really. Once you're into senior levels you're trapped in terms of financial commitments and needing the salary so it's not easy to find alternatives that work. Sorry, not sure I have much helpful advice for you but you're not alone, it's a very unforgiving career for family life and balance. I'm trying to say no more in work and set firmer boundaries but it's a losing battle!

And good luck with the training role! You never knowFlowers

OP posts:
WineIsMyCarb · 13/01/2024 21:52

Government Legal Department, Grade 6, compressed hours 5 days in 4. Its £61,500 so a bit of a drop but much more manageable, potentially.

Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 21:53

WineIsMyCarb · 13/01/2024 21:52

Government Legal Department, Grade 6, compressed hours 5 days in 4. Its £61,500 so a bit of a drop but much more manageable, potentially.

Hmmm. Any insights into stress levels?

Not too much of a drop for sanity! I guess the roles don't come up often x

OP posts:
Whatelsecouldibecalled · 13/01/2024 21:54

I'm not a lawyer but was a teacher (left last month!) and was high stress. I have two children under 4.

My advice would be to outsource what you can.
Cleaner
Laundry
Food shop etc.

Make sure if you have a partner they are doing their fair share too.

It's so so hard juggling a stressful job and young children. I've just changed careers as I couldn't do it anymore

Snipples · 13/01/2024 21:55

@serialplanner that's exactly how I feel, I can't do this for the next 10 years. I also don't want to be a stressed out snappy mess while my kids are so little. I'll be putting them both off legal careers when the time comes! Not worth it.

Teenytinyvoice · 13/01/2024 21:56

I have been there, and I think the toddler stage is brutal.

Outsource everything you can, make sure you have a cleaner, buy meal boxes or meal subscription, any thing you can afford.

You don’t mention a DP. If one is around, make sure they pull their weight. If I had my time again, I’d make DP do more.

Is your specialism one that exists in-house? It’s still not 9-5 but it is often better. There may be a small pay cut, but probably less than re training as something else.

Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 21:56

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 13/01/2024 21:54

I'm not a lawyer but was a teacher (left last month!) and was high stress. I have two children under 4.

My advice would be to outsource what you can.
Cleaner
Laundry
Food shop etc.

Make sure if you have a partner they are doing their fair share too.

It's so so hard juggling a stressful job and young children. I've just changed careers as I couldn't do it anymore

Congratulations! Incredible bravery and so very worth it.

My Partner is such a good un. Even understanding this instability of emotions.

I love solutions but this one is tough. I think the answer is to escape :(

Thank you for sharing x

OP posts:
ZoeyBartlett · 13/01/2024 21:57

Can you move in house? What type of law do you do? I'm a GC and a number of my team have kids. Late night working is rare and I encourage them to prioritise family life! I'd be happy to introduce you so you can chat to one about what in-house is like if that would be helpful?

tortiecat · 13/01/2024 22:00

I'm paraphrasing, but I read on here something along the lines of you can feel that you're drowning at twenty feet or 20,000 feet - so whilst others have it worse you can be struggling too, and it's OK to feel like that.

I'm glad to hear you have some support.

The problem is that both lawyering and parenting are basically full time jobs, it's hard to do two things at once and so it can feel like that you're not doing either of them properly. I am happy to give tips / my view but fully acknowledge that it's not easy to take my own advice some days! (illness particularly tips me over the edge...)

For me parenting is the most important thing, so bedtimes, storytimes and playtimes are non-negotiable. I am always offline between 6pm - 8pm, and try to never log in on my non working day. I try to be completely present when I am with DS aged 2 (no thinking about work or checking email, cos I can't respond anyway). Also 10 minutes of dedicated attention means that he is happy to play alongside whilst I do house stuff.

I am in the process of lowering my own expectations when it comes to work - I am pleasant, hardworking and obliging with clients and colleagues but unapologetically realistic about deadlines and workload, always underpromising (but trying to over deliver). I do work late into the evening but it's on my terms - I do push back when I need to and find people are respectful of that, whereas if I overwork myself people take advantage of it and are far less grateful! I have been promoted recently but have taken the decision that partnership will have to wait. I would rather wait a few years and have more time with DS. Hopefully it will get easier as he grows older.

What are you doing "for you"? I find some exercise is essential, as well as spending time with DH. Are you getting enough sleep? What do you enjoy? I take all my annual leave and always try to take half an hour for lunch on working days and try and schedule in a walk, coffees in etc with work friends / friends working close by.

Hang in there xx

Blankscreen · 13/01/2024 22:00

It's awful. 4 days pay but no doubt you are doing a full case load. Even full timers work overtime in city law firms.

I work part time as a lawyer in a regional firm. Pay is crap but I have set boundaries and now push back. I used to be embarrassed to say that I'm leaving at 2:30, now I'm quite blunt and just say it.

Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 22:00

Teenytinyvoice · 13/01/2024 21:56

I have been there, and I think the toddler stage is brutal.

Outsource everything you can, make sure you have a cleaner, buy meal boxes or meal subscription, any thing you can afford.

You don’t mention a DP. If one is around, make sure they pull their weight. If I had my time again, I’d make DP do more.

Is your specialism one that exists in-house? It’s still not 9-5 but it is often better. There may be a small pay cut, but probably less than re training as something else.

Thank you.

DP is an equal. I think us mums always carry more mentally (what do clothes do they need? Have they had their jabs etc) but whatever he can see he shares well.

My area is not great for in house at all - private client. An in house job came up recently and I was a bit sceptical. I might chase it up! I resisted because of the trap is wanting any possible bonuses before a change (that's how they keep us locked in!!!!)

A non city law firm could work but I guess clients will always be clients...

OP posts:
Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 22:01

Snipples · 13/01/2024 21:55

@serialplanner that's exactly how I feel, I can't do this for the next 10 years. I also don't want to be a stressed out snappy mess while my kids are so little. I'll be putting them both off legal careers when the time comes! Not worth it.

You have to choose what feels right. So tricky xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 22:02

ZoeyBartlett · 13/01/2024 21:57

Can you move in house? What type of law do you do? I'm a GC and a number of my team have kids. Late night working is rare and I encourage them to prioritise family life! I'd be happy to introduce you so you can chat to one about what in-house is like if that would be helpful?

Thank you so much. My area is private client which isn't ideal for in house. But maybe I'll check out in house generally. Would a new area be worth the risk if I was junior?

As hard as it is to move....private client won't move on much even if I take a break!

OP posts:
boredsolicitor · 13/01/2024 22:06

Local gov lawyer - now head of megalithic and chin officer .
150k . Stressful at times but from external factors rather than employer . Great pension etc - and pretty good work life balance . might be worth considering?

Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 22:06

tortiecat · 13/01/2024 22:00

I'm paraphrasing, but I read on here something along the lines of you can feel that you're drowning at twenty feet or 20,000 feet - so whilst others have it worse you can be struggling too, and it's OK to feel like that.

I'm glad to hear you have some support.

The problem is that both lawyering and parenting are basically full time jobs, it's hard to do two things at once and so it can feel like that you're not doing either of them properly. I am happy to give tips / my view but fully acknowledge that it's not easy to take my own advice some days! (illness particularly tips me over the edge...)

For me parenting is the most important thing, so bedtimes, storytimes and playtimes are non-negotiable. I am always offline between 6pm - 8pm, and try to never log in on my non working day. I try to be completely present when I am with DS aged 2 (no thinking about work or checking email, cos I can't respond anyway). Also 10 minutes of dedicated attention means that he is happy to play alongside whilst I do house stuff.

I am in the process of lowering my own expectations when it comes to work - I am pleasant, hardworking and obliging with clients and colleagues but unapologetically realistic about deadlines and workload, always underpromising (but trying to over deliver). I do work late into the evening but it's on my terms - I do push back when I need to and find people are respectful of that, whereas if I overwork myself people take advantage of it and are far less grateful! I have been promoted recently but have taken the decision that partnership will have to wait. I would rather wait a few years and have more time with DS. Hopefully it will get easier as he grows older.

What are you doing "for you"? I find some exercise is essential, as well as spending time with DH. Are you getting enough sleep? What do you enjoy? I take all my annual leave and always try to take half an hour for lunch on working days and try and schedule in a walk, coffees in etc with work friends / friends working close by.

Hang in there xx

Thank youFlowersFlowers this whole thread is lifting me. I'm sad there are so many of us...but grateful it is not just me.

What you have typed is where I am at now. As stressful as it is, I do speak up. The lawyers in charge (like most) are just awful managers so the environment is crap, but I will call them out. That in itself takes energy!

OP posts:
Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 13/01/2024 22:06

Not a lawyer but HoS in social work, My DD is 8 so that bit older but I also significantly resent the work life balance these days. To the point where I have emailed my director this week to look to step down to my seconded post (service manager) - it will mean a small pay drop, but not a significant one for the amount of additional work that is asked of me. I typically log off for a bit around 6/6.30 to do tea/bedtime and then am back on till 10.30/11. It's just not how I want to live at this point in my life, I just want more space for my DD and more space for me.

boredsolicitor · 13/01/2024 22:06

Bloody hell! Should say head of service and chief officer!

Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 22:07

Blankscreen · 13/01/2024 22:00

It's awful. 4 days pay but no doubt you are doing a full case load. Even full timers work overtime in city law firms.

I work part time as a lawyer in a regional firm. Pay is crap but I have set boundaries and now push back. I used to be embarrassed to say that I'm leaving at 2:30, now I'm quite blunt and just say it.

Good for you!

It always blows my mind that we charge clients by the hour and we should charge for "out of scope work" but so much is expected of us xx

OP posts:
Original poster
serialplanner · 13/01/2024 22:07

boredsolicitor · 13/01/2024 22:06

Local gov lawyer - now head of megalithic and chin officer .
150k . Stressful at times but from external factors rather than employer . Great pension etc - and pretty good work life balance . might be worth considering?

Definitely sounds so! Thank you for sharing x

OP posts: