Overwhelmed lawyer toddler mum

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Just a standard rant if anyone can relate.

I feel so sad today! Hormonal, but sad!

I work for a city law firm. Everything is so urgent and high pressured. It does not need to be! I am not a litigator or anything remotely important! I just work with such academic personalities where work is everything to them.

I have a 2yo. I don't want to miss bedtimes and work late.

The tricky thing is, our economy is to shit so I need my salary and I don't know what I could do that makes me £70k a year for 4 days a week work.

I know this is such a privileged rant. Please don't attack me but if you are a mum in a high stress job feeling like you can't do anything right it would be nice to know I'm not alone. I broke down in tears this morning because my boss was chasing me on something, I was trying to clear some emails so I could take my daughter out and forget about work for a few hours but as 2yos do she would not stop going on and it tipped me over the edge. I have felt suicidal before (I will not harm myself but you just get to a point of WHAT IS THE POINT)

I don't want that to happen again. I'm struggling. I don't know what to do right now and with the bigger picture.

I know you won't have the answers. I'm just desperate and confused xxxx

Not a lawyer, but in high pressures role and stretched so thin.

We’ve been failing to conceive for nearly a year now and I’m sure it’s the stress that is impacting my chances.

Hugely male dominated environment, constantly having to prove myself as a woman who is a working mum & seen to be not as committed because I “only” work 4 days.

No family help nearby, I’m at breaking point.

You're not alone. All working mums have guilt trips. What you need to work on ( I say from my lower paid less stressed position) is setting boundaries with your employer and managing your mum guilt if you ever need to work late

Op, I stepped away from my career. It was soul destroying, trying to juggle both home and work.
I earned in the same region, degree free, but it took years and years of work to get to where I was pre DS.
It feels like such a shame to have walked away from that money, despite it having saved my mental health.

What I wanted to say, is you, and others like you- who have a higher ability, masses of intelligence and careers you've worked really hard for, have it hardest in my view.

You worked hard at school, you worked hard in uni, you worked hard to get your job, you've worked hard to remain where you are and now it must feel like a constant knife edge between the career you've spent so many years building, and home.

I'm so sorry, I wish there were better opportunities for clearly intelligent, and motivated women to keep their careers and home life both going at the same time.

Wishing you some peace, and a viable option to use your degree, and have happiness.

Sorry, such a soppy response from me.

You're absolutely right of course! Thank you

I'm so sorry that is incredibly unfair and frustrating.

Pay for any help you can afford. Have you taken any annual leave just for you?

Does your firm have an EAP programme? I used ours and I had 6 therapy sessions that really helped me through a hectic work time in the summer.

Anything that could even maybe help- take it!

Huge hugs xx

Thank you all so much for the further replies. I am job hunting! If anyone has any roles let me know

I'm a lawyer and sometimes feel like this. The pay keeps me in, I couldn't get the same anywhere else (except an infinitely more stressful environment).

In case it helps others, what helps me is a 90% hours contract where I work 4 full days and the 10% on a fully flexible basis - if I can do it within normal working hours, I will, but often I work weekends / evenings to make it up. It means I don't need childcare on the 5th day of the week (but grandparents occasionally help on that day) and the bonus for my employer is that I generally engage with stuff 5 days a week. The alternative would be doing 4 days a week and feeling like I'm doing more without the pay, or not doing enough. This deal also works really well in terms of busy and quiet periods - I'll work full-time for a month or so if I need to, and then 4 days a week for the whole of the school holidays to make up for it. I am relatively senior though (just below partner level) and am left to get on with things (I generally get direct client instructions rather than receive work internally), so I guess it wouldn't work for everyone.

Sending solidarity OP. I think lots of us feel like you do, and it takes guts to face up to how you’re feeling and look to change something.

I’m a doctor rather than a lawyer but am finding things similarly unmanageable with two under-3’s. Zero job flexibility, no family around and pay is quite a lot less than £70k (and well into minus figures after two lots of nursery fees).

Currently, work is my very expensive hobby and I hate that it takes me away from my children so much - 7am starts, 13h shifts, nights, struggles to leave work at work... I am looking into other options as this isn’t what I want for my family, but I feel sad to be throwing away almost two decades of training.

Well legal firms bill by the minute so they want you doing every minute you can. Work smart not hard. Set up emails to send at 6pm, 7pm, 8pm, 9pm. Bombard them with crap. So they are sick of hearing from you. Use chat gpt.

Solidarity OP. Im a litigator, 9pqe at an American law firm in the city and pregnant with DC3…don’t know how I’ve held it together so far.

I’m the breadwinner and we can’t afford for me to take a big pay cut so I’m just sucking it up for now.

Part of me feels I’ve put in so much work I deserve to stick it out til partnership (im
on a 2 yr track which will be screwed by mat leave) but part of me feels like it’s just not worth it.

I have exactly the same childcare as you but 2 kids so my toddler is now doing 4 days & baby 3 in nursery and 1 for the youngest with grandparents. I've been on mat leave and can't imagine going back. We barely cope as it is. Society is not designed for 2 parents working. I also do 4 days in a different industry but am expected to be always on. Available for travel, weekend work and evenings at no notice. High salary so no flexibility to quit. I've made a sideways move from agency to in house and I'm hoping it helps. I'm sick of everything being urgent, endless pressure and being told I'm doing a crap job at work and home. Best of luck to you.

@folkjournals: I'm so specialised that I could only get a similar role (in terms of what I do) in a big city. I work fully remotely but I get paid a higher salary because I'm doing London deals work.

I could in theory try to find a remote part time job in-house but I worry that I don't have the confidence for that. I like safety in numbers and so I always have someone to bounce things off where I am.

The main client I am the lead on joked a few weeks ago that they should offer me a contract ... I wish they would!

I feel like I could have written this post myself. Another overwhelmed Lawyer, working in Private Client. I had to take this afternoon off to take my son to a hospital appointment . I have only just logged off, as I can't take any time off, without it impacting my work. So sick of checking emails at 11pm at night. I have shouted at my kids as I am so stressed, which has made me feel so guilty as they don't deserve it. I will certainly be encouraging them to never practice law. It's a terrible career for those who have children. The only people I know who excel in my firm are those who dedicate their whole lives to their job.

I recently had time off due to burnout and my firm's unrealistic expectations. I really want to leave but can't face changing careers in my forties. There are very limited choices in house for Private Client Lawyers.

What helps is outsourcing where you can and making sure you practice self-care.

Sending hugs as I know how difficult it is.

It’s really really not on that your boss was chasing you on a Saturday. Do you also find that your colleagues do not respect your non-working day?

My question for you is this- do you enjoy the subject matter? Do you get job satisfaction from writing a good piece of advice, drafting a well- structured agreement? Or is it all just a means to an end, the end being the money?

I was a partner for a couple of years and then took a step sideways into a non client- facing role within my firm. I don’t miss fee earning one bit. I wasn’t cut out for it, which is odd because I was also quite good at it. My circumstances are quite specific and unlikely to be applicable to you but all I’d say is think hard about the bits you do enjoy and see if you can find a way to keep those. Ans work hard at forming good relationships with everyone you cross paths with, you never know when someone who likes you might realise you are perfect for a job they need to fill. Good luck.

Hi if you are interested in looking at a role in Government Legal Department there is a senior lawyer recruitment campaign launching on 23 Jan and an information evening which includes the opportunity to hear from & talk to existing senior lawyers is planned for Thursday 1 Feb.

I know there will be lawyers who have successfully made the move from private practice into government work speaking at the event & there are usually opportunities to ask questions etc as well.

There will be roles across GLD - advisory teams, litigation, employment and commercial (this is on top of the current commercial lawyer recruitment campaign that is linked higher up in this thread).

It's definitely worth a look if you're considering your options. Pay rates have jumped up recently as others have said & it is definitely a much more flexible employer & a lot more women in senior roles (mostly women tbh).

Search on Civil Service Jobs - I think you might be able to set up alerters from this site as well.

Good luck xx

Ex-city lawyer mum here too OP. I'd echo those saying in house: I earn £75 for 4 days a week. WFH 3 of those days. See my kids (both under 7) every day and can do school drop offs and pick ups sometimes too.

It also depends on your employer and your manager - don't be afraid to set boundaries early on.

Good luck!

What is your actual take home pay? If it is that bad and you want another child why not just leave completely and take a big pay cut, unless you expect to be earning a lot more and enjoying it once your kids are in secondary school and more self sufficient.

I say this kindly and bearing in mind that I earn WAY less than you.....but £70k would not be enough for me to endure the life you're enduring. Move elsewhere

I'm the other end in terms of children's ages and if anything (sorry!) it gets tougher and I really did t want to bring up my children with the level of abandonment I feel I've ended up with.

I'm transactional which is grim and I'm at the stage where I cant face another stretch of workout past midnight and at weekends relentlessly both as I'm too tired and want to see my family a tiny bit. Plus it's starting to affect my health too. One of mine is now at uni with law student friends. Think she's given them chapter and verse about what the hours are like.

It's definitely worse than when I was more junior as in expectations have got worse. I'm just glad I'm not setting out now.

Not in law, but have a high stress senior finance role. I do 4 days but I switched up my hours a bit so I have two really long days and two shorter ones which mentally means that I’ve got two days to get through and then two easier days into my weekend. Is it possible in a firm to switch up your week into something that works better for you?

Otherwise, I’ve just accepted over the past year there is only so much I can do and everyone will just have to deal with it! My boss is pretty supportive and on my side generally which helps as well!

Should add that I don’t work for an accountancy firm, I’m in house which going from the other answers seems to be the key in getting a bit more flexibility and balance!

Whoever said work in a public sector/higher education legal department - this is a good option honestly. You won't get £70k for 4 days work, but you could get 55-60k and a much better pension, more annual leave and flexible/remote working.

I know your dc is smaller at the moment, but they'll be school age soon enough and on the days I work from home I literally just block out my diary and go and get the kids from school at 3:15, then go back to work after while they play and watch a bit of tv.

With regards to pressure, Departments are so under resourced that there's no expectation that anything will happen quickly and honestly almost nothing is that urgent that you'd regularly be working past 6pm. So the pressure is really quite low.

I know it's not very feminist to say this, but the way we dealt with this issue is that I deliberately took a less stressful public sector job and my husband just had to earn a bit more. As he has the flexibility to focus on work and, let's face it, is a man in a man's world, it wasn't that difficult for him to get an additional 10-20k pay rise to make up the shortfall.

The first thing to do to make your life easier is to hire a nanny. Then you get quality time with your child and all the admin and nonsense is done for you. You walk out of the door leaving your child in their PJs, and everyone is much less stressed. All child’s laundry/ bedding / batch cooking is done - you ar buying quality time.
next - try a different firm. And don’t be seduced by the notion that all in house roles are a walk in the park with highly evolved personnel practices , because those that pay well expect a full service and if head office is in the US or you’re dealing with the Aus / Philippines office- guess what, you’re still doing extended hours (albeit nobody cares anymore where you’re dialling in from).
the notion that you retain your bonus, get a higher salary, work fewer hours and see your child more is an ambitious one and you or your husband may need to decide which one slips (for sure make him responsible for two drop off / pick ups a week)

@Vermin is 75k a year nanny money these days? Between us my husband and I make that each, but I think we'd struggle to afford a full time nanny.

Yeah the problem is it sounds like the OP is doing city hours but not getting city pay. I earn 3-4x what OP is getting and our lives sound similar - something isn’t right.

Fwiw we have a nanny and couldn’t function without her.